I am a Gay man living in Iowa. How do you feel about civil unions?

Question

I am a gay man living in Iowa and want to marry my Boyfriend. we have been Dating for almost 2 years now and have NOT moved in together yet. He did ask me to marry him and I did tell him NO, but I explained that it is because I am already with him and having a Marriage or "civil union" doesn't do anything for us legally and why spend the money to have that ceremony until it will be recognized by the law that we are married that will give us rights like they do of all married couples in the nation... rights such as Insurance and taxes. This is a Big issue for him. I think I am right in waiting until it is acceptable legally and in NO way wanted to hurt him, we love each other very much. . I think the world of him and think that when I decided to date him I won the lottery of life We have dropped the issue with out arguing but The issue hurt him deeply, not that I said no, its the fact that it isnt legal. It hurts both of us. am I right to have said NO and wait for laws to change?

Answer 1

sometimes it is nice just to show the level of commitment. whether the government recognizes the marriage should not matter, some just need the ceremony to make it seem more permanent

Answer 2

Well, there are a few things there. First of all, I’m not sure about Iowa state law; however, forming a civil union often times does have legal benefits with employers such as including a partner in medical/dental benefits as ‘spouse’ and with insurance companies when assigning beneficiary designation among other things. When talking about same-sex partners’ legal rights, it is better to have the official designation of ‘domestic partner’. If Iowa does not recognize domestic partnership, then to have those benefits recognized by those agencies you may have the ceremony and send off for the actual domestic partnership designation from a state that does recognize the status.

On the other side of things, if the legality of the partnership is not your only concern, maybe you’re not ready to be ‘married’. When discussing the issue, you should really explore all of the aspects of what such a thing means to you both; for example: Have you discussed moving in together? -or- Does the idea of a public ceremony bother either of you?

If you love him and you can see that it hurts him maybe it deserves some more discussion. You don’t want it driving a wedge between you and explaining the ‘whys’ behind decisions (particularly ones viewed to be important) often will ameliorate any hard feelings. And hey, if the only issue is spending the money on the ceremony, then scale it down! :-)

Answer 3

Wow this is hard. I don't know what to say that hasn't been said already. I do like what one person said here about "domestic partnerships". You should check to see if the state of Iowa has those in any way and get one of those. Also, check to see if the insurance your workplace offers benefits to same-sex partners. Granted, both these suggestions are more practical than romantic and will take care of at least some of those "legal" issues.

Also, I agree that it would do no good to simply wait till gay marriage is legal in the fullest extent of the law,especially with the current administration. So how about a compromise: have the civil union ceremony for now. At least you'll show how committed you are at the very least. And if gay marriage is made legal at 12:00 a.m. on such-and-such a date, get married at 12:01 a.m. and get your names in the papers as the first in your state to undergo the ceremony! :)

Answer 4

I think civil unions are very very late in coming and should have been accepted a lot earlier. I think it may be nice as a compromise for you both to perhaps have a small ceremony such as a blessing now or in the near future then go all out and 'do it properly' when the laws are changed. I think the union between two females, two males or a male and a female is an amazing one however i don't think you need a piece of paper to prove your love to each other however i believe it is each to their own. Good Luck with whatever you decide

Answer 5

You know, my girlfriend and I had this conversation. We both want to have the marriage. It may not be legal now, but our pastor is keeping everything on file and the day it becomes legal in our state then she'll put it in the books and we'll finally be recognized as a married couple. Also, the reason we're having this ceremony isn't for the government, or for other people. We're having it for eachother. We've both dreamed of this gorgeous wedding our entire lives, and it's all about promising ourselves to one another. I hope this has helped. Even if it isn't viewed as legal or right by the government, it can still be right for you and your boyfriend. It doesn't even have to be a big, expensive ceremony. It could be small with just your closest friends and family to recognize your love for one another. We're pushing to make gay marriage legal in New Mexico, I hope you are in Iowa.

Answer 6

If you are going to wait for these idiots to make it legal, you will not get married anytime soon, if you love your mate and he loves you, why not just have a ceremony which unites the two of you and is in a way a commitment without the legalities but you will feel satisfied in knowing that you are both together, working together for the same goals, and enjoying life as a couple....who cares what other people say, and as far as the taxes and insurance, don't make it about that, you can always draw up wills and leave what you would like to each other...

Answer 7

I don't see any reason not to go through with the ceremonial marriage and then apply for the civil union later when they become legal in Iowa. One is sealed by law, but the other is sealed in the heart---and that's the most important part.
They're perfectly legal in Connecticut, where I am, so if you like, you can always come here too and have a wedding by the sea ;)

Answer 8

YOU must understand that people are just not willing to understand that there are many types of love.you must also understand that people love to fondle around in others business because those who are against it are such bad sinners that they need something worse(not that this is worse) to make themselves look better.So this is why in many countries it is ok to be gay and married but not here so that you be judged at all times-yuk.SO I have some suggestions for you my friend.Leave Iowa with your honey and go to a place were you can get married if you both so desire.remember that god created us all (rather some of those bible thumpers like it or not).start a new life together.in love and the way you want to live.You only live once my friend make it all it can be.Only you can achieve this ,anyone who is going against this is worthless.live and love a little and that is exactly why you are alive.good luck to you and your honey.remember GOD loves us all that would include you tooooo.
JUST DO IT!!!!!

Answer 9

"Gay marriages" or "Civil Unions" may not be legal in Iowa, but it is in some parts of the world! Try..Toronto?

If you love him and he means the world to you, wouldn't you do anything for him? I say this time you purpose to HIM. Move to another country where gay marriages are legal.

If you can't move for various reasons then marry in Iowa. Who cares if gay marriages aren't recognized (yet). It's hurting him and you too. And you know why!

if money is the problem, well just make it a small ceremony ( of course you'll have to talk it through with him. But he should understand)

Answer 10

I can give you a straight guy's point of view. I think gays should be allowed to marry, especially since marriage is religious and there is supposed to be separation of church and state.

Also, marriage isn't about the legal stuff. It's about the loving commitment between 2 people, and being united in the eyes of whatever deity you worship. If I had been in your partner's shoes, I'd have also been very hurt.