One of my best friends just got engaged. She is 38, has had a on again off again relationship for 5 years. The challenge in this relationship is that he is younger and never married. They have broken up on several times because he says he wants a younger woman who will bear children for him. My friend has been married twice and has 3 children from age 12 to 18; she does not want more children. Over the years she has been tormented by this relationship and when I or anyone else asks a quesiton about him she always tells us she doesn't want to discuss it. I have never even met this man in a social situation and know him only from work. I don't even think he knows that I am her good friend! The thing that bothers me is that a month ago she was crying because this guy decided to call her for some reason she wouldn't discuss (they were broken up at this time.) I'm really confused. I want her to be happy, but I also want what is best for her. Am I right to have these feelings?
2006-12-19 19:06:30 · 6 answers · asked by LuvGrapes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I don't suspect physical abuse. I do think the whole bit about the wanting a younger woman is hurtful, but not meant to manipulate. I will support her in whatever she wants to do. I'd love to be part of her wedding, but her perpetual happiness is more important than that.
2006-12-19 19:15:25 · update #1
You are right to have whatever feelings you have. There's just no point in telling her that you think they are not a good fit. It is just life that friends marry people we may not like, may completely hate, or may not understand at all. Your job is to be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on. And for heaven's sake, if she is happy, be grateful for her happiness! It's her choice and even though you may never be friends with him, you are her friend.
2006-12-19 19:12:36 · answer #1 · answered by 101pupil 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are right in having these feelings. Wow , it sounds like by her not wanting to discuss him or the relationship, she may be concerned for her financial security, not wanting to rock the boat and the "egg shell walk". I find it strange she is a best friend and he doesn't even know about your relationship with her. The hardest thing to watch is a friend making a mistake. To be blunt, all you can do is sit back and watch this story unfold as this is between him and her. I totally understand your helpless feelings. You can try and have a heart to heart with her and if you do and she gets angry, you may lose her friendship. I get this feeling the guy is selfish too. Also it sounds like he is using an excuse of age to play the field as well. He knows what ever games he plays in his sandbox, he always has your friend to go back too i.e having his cake and eating it too. He sure sounds like a #1 JACKASS. Good Luck
2006-12-20 03:28:36 · answer #2 · answered by orcahock 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should talk to her about your concerns. Tell her that you just wanted to give her food for thought, not push her one way or the other. Be supportive, but let her know that you care about her and want her to step back and think about the big picture from another viewpoint. Discuss it once and then support her completely.
2006-12-20 04:01:04 · answer #3 · answered by BonnieLois 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right to have these feelings, but I would keep them to yourself, especially if you want to keep your friend around.
She knows the risks of her relationship with this man, and is willing to take that on. Some people don't make the best decisions with love, but as friends we can support them when they come to us for help/advice. If she hasn't asked, don't give it.
2006-12-20 03:09:06 · answer #4 · answered by Buttercup - VP Bamma Fan Club 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best predicter of the future is the past. That is unless things keep unresolved.
She is an adult and it isn't your business to reacue her. All you can do is be a friend.
She needs to let go, that is clear.
Be a friend, thats all you can do
2006-12-20 03:39:53 · answer #5 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are right to be worried. he seems verbally abusive from what you describe. she's not telling you the worst of it. they never do. tell her its wrong. hes got her hooked and its very hard to break that
2006-12-20 03:09:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋