Should I stay with my husband even though my heart says no?

Question

I just don't know. We have been mariied for a year and together for many more. This year has been crap and we haven't got along at all. I do love him and always will, but I don't think this is enough. He will never listen to me when I want to speak. He never makes me feel special or important to him. He'd rather do other things and spend his money on his hobby than try to work things out with me. I tell him how I feel and he just gets shitty and doesn't respond to me, I don't know what to do. I'm only 23 and don't want to waste years in a marriage that doesn't feel worth it. I wish he would show me that it is worth it and show me that it's worth being in but at the moment I feel it is useless being in this marriage especially when he won't listen to me and try to work things out with me. There has to be something I can do but I just don't know what. I want to grow old with him but not when the relationship is like this, I think we would both be happier living seperately.

Answer 1

My heart truely goes out to you, my dear. Your story nearly brought tears to my eyes. I know what you're going through. We also married young. My husband was 23 and I, 24. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We were friends for years, dated 1 week, engaged 7 months (though we only we able to see each other for 1 month because he was in military training), and got married.

Our first year was also VERY rough. It definitely had its good, very good, moments, but the roughness started on our honeymoon, believe it or not. There were a few fights that we had that I didn't know if we'd get through. I was SO scared. I knew I was in love, and he was my friend, and I wanted to spend my life with him, but I was beginning to wonder if it was too much. There were many, and still are, times when I didn't feel he was listening to me. In fact, I nearly have to sit on him to get his attention away from the tv sometimes. I often feel unappreciated. There are days when he seems to notice what I didn't get done and overlooks the many things I did do. I too feel like there are other things he'd rather be doing than spending time with me. Some days I feel like I've disrupted his life. In fact, as I write this, he is watching tv while I'd rather be doing something with him. It's hard to discuss it with him because he feels he's being attacked and treated disrespectfully. Believe me, I know what you're feeling.

It's a desperation, borderline hopelessness, fear, frustration, confusion, anxiety, sadness, worthless, useless, a general feeling of where did I go wrong. There are days when I wonder if there's something better.

But ya know, I believe all marriages go through this at some point. You just have to find a glimpse of hope and hang on to that. Determine to treat him with love and kindness. Find out how he wants to be loved...does he enjoy quality time? physical attention? gifts? What are his interests? Pursue them with him.

Keep trying. If you love him, you'll do all you can to keep him, even when it hurts. Even when you think the best thing would be to walk out the door and not look back, it would hurt less to stay. When I think of leaving, it breaks my heart. I don't want to feel I've failed, failed him, failed me.

Don't give up. It's a relationship too important to let go.

I wish you the very best. I hope all works out well.

Much love.

Answer 2

Hmm.. that's a difficult question. You say you've been married a year, but have been together much longer. I'm assuming this may be a high school sweetheart?? I can only lend advice to you according to what I've experienced in marriage. First, I will tell you ....you CAN NOT CHANGE THEM. You think you can, but you can't. They may grow up a little a long the way, but pretty much what you see is what you get. The age old question is "How does he treat his mother"? Is he respectful and considerate of her? If so, you may stand a chance. It's an absolute must that you tell him what you are feeling. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Good Luck! I hope it works out for you.

Answer 3

The first thing you should do is look into a mirror and ask yourself are you happy? If after the good and the bad do you still love him and want to be with him? I wouldn't necessarily recommend you to just give up on your relationship after a downfall. I recommend you to if he dont want to listen to you write him a letter expressing your feelings. Your only 23 you should be in a happy, loving relationship. You should be able to tell him anything and he should be able to respect how you feel. If he love you like how you love him then I am sure that he would try to make a change. It takes time for things to get better and only you know if you can wait for what could be or leave what should have been. All you have is time but you dont want to be wasting that time waiting around for somebody that is not going to change or not going to make you happy and give you all the love and satisfaction you deserve. i do say give him some time to realize what he is doing. Some people need time to fully evolve so just give it time, but remember (time whats for no man) you cant spend your whole life waiting. Good luck

Answer 4

"For better or for worse" those are the words that you say when you married him right? No marriage is perfect and no marriage ever will be, you will have your differences and you will learn things about him that you didn't know before you married as well as he will with you. I'm 23 and have been married 6 months and haven't felt like calling it quits but I have felt the not listening and various other things. My husband is younger than me and hasn't been in a serious relationship before but he's the best damn thing that's happened to me and we are always finding something new that needs to be worked on. We knew each other a year dated 2 months and got married. I know I will grow old with this man but I know that it will not be easy, nothing ever is. If you want your marriage to work, your going to have to work on it. I dont know if your religious or not but I am and I pray on my marriage every night b/c I believe that prayer is a strong thing and important in my marriage. If you feel that strongely about calling it quits sit him down and tell him that he needs to listen b/c what you have to say effects the both of you and if he's not willing to listen to what you have to say that says alot about how serious he takes your marriage. Only you can really decide if its worth throwing what you have away but ask your self have you tried every thing possible to work on it? Is there anything else you can do to fix things? Dont walk away with doubt, b/c you dont want to live in regret. Hope you to can work things out, God Bless.

Answer 5

Everyone else seems to have pretty good advice. I think for some people counseling works, others can work it out as though it was a phase. After 7 years for me, I've realized that it is work, every single day. If you think it isn't then you should expect unhappiness and arguments to eventually appear.

Yahoo answers aside, I cannot give you the advice you really should heed - only you can do that. But I would say, take a step back and try to look at your relationship from the outside. Does it look like he loves you? Look at it from his perspective - do you think he feels he is trying to show you how much he cares. He may think he's showing it but may not be doing so in the way you are looking for. He may also just be confused as to what he's supposed to do at this point.

How is his parent's relationship? Does his father show an active interest in his mother the way she thinks makes her feel special? He may have learned his behavior at home.

Also, in regards to his getting sh**ty, his lack of response may be frustration with himself. It's possible he wants to make everything better and to show you how he cares, but he may just not know what to do. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but sometimes you have to grab him by the hand and show him what it is that will make you happy. I know it helped me and mine when we started doing that. Communication is the key.

Answer 6

The quick and easy answer here is to suggest counseling but, I get the feeling from your letter that you have already pretty much decided what you need to do. You are right that a relationship such as you describe isn't a marriage and isn't healthy for either of you. If he is willing to try counseling then try it. Only you can judge if he will truly change and if the two of you can make things work. If he chooses to continue the way he is going, I would suggest leaving before there is anymore invested in a relationship that isn't worth the effort.

Answer 7

I feel for you because I am going through a divorce now. I can't tell you to get a divorce, that is definitely your choice, but I am 32, married for 13 years and 2 kids. Other than my kids and a few good years and memories, I sometimes wished I never got married. I spent to many years and I feel after 13, I have nothing left to give to anyone. I love my husband very much, but I am not in love with him. He was his priority in life, not me or our children. Hobbies, friends, TV, and everything else were first. He did nothing for himself after awhile. When we first got married it was 50/50... slowly it became more me, less him. He has no clue how to even pay bills. And I blame myself for a lot of it, but I have moved on and he finally has to pay his own bills. We are much better at being best friends then we ever were as husband and wife. You are not alone. Be strong and do what you feel is right. If you feel like you are sinking, take care of yourself. Really think about it before you jump but if it is right for you... do what you need to do.

Answer 8

shoot I'm kinda going through the same thing except I'm not married. I've been with my boyfriend for 1 yr. and at first he was kinda romantic but little by little he's been more sarcastic than romantic. I told him how I feel but he got offensive instead of understanding me. and now I feel like if he doesn't change that I need to move on even though I love him. a friend told me that what's worse than being with a guy for 1 yr. is being with the guy for 1 yr. and 1 day. if you've done all u can to salvage your marriage and the guy doesn't put his part then I say move on because you r still young. just know that there are other guys out there besides him. he's not the only one and that could treat you the way u want to be treated good luck

Answer 9

Did you know he was like this when you married him? If so, you have nobody to blame but yourself. You can't change a person after you marry them, it just doesn't work.

I would suggest that you both go see a marriage counselor before you throw in the towel. It sounds from what you are saying that your hubby is not real interested in the marriage either. At least try some counseling and if it doesn't work, then consider divorce.

Answer 10

if you love him, you should stay with him. things like this can be worked out. talk to him about it. tell him what's bothering you. if this is the man you want to grow old with, then you shouldn't leave him. give it all you've got to work things out. when you love someone, it's all worth it and you should never let go. don't give up. it's better than living a good marriage with someone you dont love. things will get better. and if he doesnt listen, MAKE him listen. dont let him forget how lucky he is to have married you and that you chose him. of all the men in the world, you chose him. make him realize how special that is. make him show that he cares about you. things can be worked out. dont give up on someone you love. and dont let go. im sure he wouldnt if u really talk to him about wuts bothering you.