Hi everyone. Ok, I will make this as short and painless as possible. SO has 2 children from soon to be ex-wife. I have 1 child from previous marriage. I have contact with my ex and we share custody of my daughter. We both respect the other one and the time that we spend with her so we call each other maybe every other week to make sure that we are all on the same page.
My SO however talks to his ex daily, they share custody of the children when they children are with him she calls every night, and when they are with her he calls every night and at times other times during the day. (We were looking at engagement rings, and guess who calls?yep, the ex and because he is afraid that it may have something to do with the children he answers)If we are out to dinner, he answers. I have talked to him about this calmly. He understands my view point, but asks me what he is he suppose to do;he states that he is afraid that it is the children calling and he is also afraid to tell her not to call every night when he has the boys.
My question, is it selfish of me to think that the relationship between them should be different. Do I learn to live with schduling sex, dinner and engagement ring shopping around phone calls from her?
I love him deeply, but really thinking about calling it off at this point due to the stress that it causes.
Thanks for listening so far!!
2006-12-19 17:09:06 · 11 answers · asked by Sweet T 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I met him after they had moved on. I was not the cause of the break up.
2006-12-19 17:31:26 · update #1
I can just feel how frustrating that can be. How about trying this....ask your bf to get the service where u can leave mesages on his mobile (if he doesnt already have one). If she calls, ask him not to pick it up straight away. If its important I'm sure she will leave a message. He can then listen to it and judge if its worth calling back. Its best he tells the ex of this arrangement so she understands the situation too. Hope you guys can work it out!
2006-12-19 17:24:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to be understandable with this, he has kids with his ex-wife. Just know that they will be in contact FOREVER, they are linked FOREVER because of their kids. Maybe not romantically but only because of the kids. Focus on reality, he's with you now & that's all that matters. He has the right to answer the phone when she calls. Like he said, it might just be an emergency with the kids. but they as parents still have to do their job in raising these children. But....she shouldn't be calling daily or more, of course it would make you upset. I think you should tell him this bothers you so they can limit the phone calls to once a week & only during urgent matters or emergency. because if she's calling him so much, maybe she still likes him & is jealous of you, i don't know, but try not to start a fight.
2006-12-20 01:20:09 · answer #2 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a similar situation for a very short time. He would answer her calls and talk to her at length when we were together. He was afraid of ever missing a call from his kids. I told him if they were with their mom, they were fine. She should respect our time together and only call when absolutely necessary.
In the end, he said he would never agree to limit his relationship with her because they had a long history together, so we broke up. I don't know that he wanted her back, but still I was not willing to always be second best to his wife. I understand kids should come first, but it takes two to make a relationship work.
I love my kids, but I do allow myself separate time with my current boyfriend and they understand this. It sounds like you need to set some very clear boundaries and if he is not agreeable, it may be best to move on.
2006-12-20 01:18:05 · answer #3 · answered by schweetums 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Obviously you will have to learn to accept her daily (plus) calls if you are going to marry him. If you can not deal with her in his life then you should say "no thank you" to that engagement ring. If they can get along so well I wonder why they are divorced, don't you? The fact is one you get married and have children you can't just start over, wipe the slate clean and pretend you are starting over fresh. This is what you call "baggage" you have some and he has a lot.
2006-12-20 01:15:36 · answer #4 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust comes with time. Question, did he go out with you while he was still married? If he did, you will never trust that he won't do it to you..and he just might. Now if he did not cheat on his wife, that is a different situation. You are just feeling insecure and a little jealous. Which is normal. Trust will come with time. Try to judge him by how he treats you and never make him choose between you and his children. Good luck.
2006-12-20 01:17:08 · answer #5 · answered by Jan J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are they talking to eachother about things other than their shared kids? If not, you are overreacting. What if there were an emergency with the kids and you didn't want him to answer the phone.
How about letting the kids answer the phone when she calls? Then if there is something to deal with together as relates to the kids he can discuss it with her. That should either limit the time he spends talking with her or you will see that he's a little too wrapped up with his ex.
Point blank, he should be calling to chat with the kids when they are with her and vice versa. Simple scheduling events shouldn't require them to chat daily parent to parent.
2006-12-20 01:21:14 · answer #6 · answered by lmcbuilder 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand. It's not selfish of you to question why she calls so often. It's normal. He should understand your concern and discomfort with her constant intruding phone calls. However, you also need to realize that with this man and his children come the children's mother. When you marry him, you are kinda marrying her too. You and your fiancee need to talk and come to a mutual understanding. He needs to know how you truly feel before you two get married. If he thinks you are being irrational then maybe he's not the one. Remember, his ex has a right to call him in regards to the children but not just for the heck of it, especially if she knows he is in a new relationship.
2006-12-20 01:14:39 · answer #7 · answered by ALeoStar 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I say do what your heart says to do at this point if you cannot handle this and it is causing you to stress out over it than let it go and move on...You have to do what you feel is the best thing and no one can make that decision for you at this time...It will be you and only you that can make that choice...Good luck and may God guide you with a sound and moral judement in whatever you decide.
2006-12-20 01:21:10 · answer #8 · answered by beagirl40 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok me and my husband have been together for over four years and married for a year and a half and at the begging i went through that with my husband but i told him i knew she wanted too much so i said she should only call if it has to do with the kids and sence he told her that the kids call every night and she only speaks to him if it concerns the kids me and her talk more then she talks to my husband dont get me wrong she was mad about it but she got over it i think it is something you cant deal with he has to and if he loves you i am sure he will. ask him to talk more to the kids and less to her your feeling are on the line and just stress that to him i am sure everthing will work out just stay strong and hang in there and make sure he knows how you feel
2006-12-20 01:19:36 · answer #9 · answered by amy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you are going to build a life with this man you are also going to have to deal with her because of the kids. You'll save yourself a lot of grief if you don't let it get to you. When she sees you aren't going to go away and the kids are OK with you and your man is happy (making kids happy,too), she'll relax and back off. Don't sweat it, sister.
2006-12-20 01:14:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋