How do i tell HIM not to talk to HER?

Question

A little over a year ago, my husband slept with my best friend! I know ouch, but he came clean, and I chose to forgive him, after coming clean he accepted Christ, and changed a lot of his old ways. However he has a myspace account and just every now and then says hi to a mutal friend of ours sister, she is 2 years younger then us, and I feel they have no reason to talk, so one day in the middle of an argument, I spewed out a lot of anger and acused him of sleeping with this girl (really I was just annoyed he was talking to her, and was trying to express my concern) Needless to say it didnt go so well, coming out like that, and I said sorry for what I ahd said to him, but he never stopeed talking to her, and I would like him to, because thats how the affair with my (now x) best friend happend, me and her were not on speaking terms, and he kept talking to her all behind my back, and now its like deja vu except this gorl isnt my best friend, how do I let him know how I feel?

Answer 1

if he accepted Christ.. My first question is HAVE YOU?
Scenario 1...

You have accepted Christ, in which case I would suggest you first pray about it and seek the words from the Lord to say. You should talk to God about why you feel this way, and why he insists on talking to this female. God will give you an answer..it may be through reading the BiBLE.. Hearing A preaching.. or simply you will feel the right answer within your heart.

scenario 2..

You have not accepted Christ.. in which i suggest you should think about why you have not.. and then read the Bible about equally yoked marraiges...and in essence accept the Lord and repent of any sins. In this case, God will give YOU a peace and work out your situation for the best!

God Bless!

Answer 2

at some point you are going to have to check your insecirites at the door. and at some point you are going to have to realize that no matter what you do or what retraints u put on your relationship or try to block any potential misteps on his part you cant stop your husband from cheating. Only he can stop himself from cheating. The best thing to do is put your big girl pants on and tell him how you feel. no secret messages or dancing around the issue. have a heart to heart and explain how you feel. tell him that as part of your recovery to trusting him again this is something that you need him to do, not give an ulitmatum. Use this an opportuntiy to look at what the real issues are. you have forgiven but appatently not forgotten. set some new ground rules. let him know what you need him to do to bring you back to 100% trust and ask him what he needs from you to know that his efforts are not going unnoticed.

Answer 3

I'm afraid that your hubby planted the seed, and there is no going back to the "pre-adultry" stage in your marriage. I strongly suggest that you get marriage counseling from a member of the cloth (Church pastor or priest). This is an on-going healing process that both of you will have to work at. He is directing his attention elsewhere, even if it is for companionship or someone to be a "cheerleader" when he has a pity-party. It's the wrong reason for him to be communicating with anyone outside of you - his wife. If he indeed accepted Christ, then he would also know that he needs to cling only unto thee in ALL matters, and he is NOT doing that. He needs to understand the damage he has caused and the NEW damage he is causing now. Please check into the book I list below. It's a tear-jerker and show both the husbands & wife's perspectives and you get to see real damage put in print. Both of you need to understand how this is effecting you (as to your reaction to his communications) and him (his inability to come clean). Please keep working to save your marriage!

121906 5:50

Answer 4

Seriously.... i usually just put stupid answers as jokes for these kind of posts...but I have to say that you have a reasonable question and deserve a reasonable answer. Honestly, the best thing for you to do is to just tell your husband to stop talking to this girl because it's disrespectful to you. The simpler the better. It's always bad when you beat around the bush. At the same time though you need to establish, with your husband, some sort of understanding that when on person makes a request of the other person it needs to be met with respect. Your husband needs to understand this and if he doesn't then nothing you say will matter. My wife tells me who i can and can't meet with one on one or talk to for long periods of time, but that's up to me to make that effort. I think your husband will understand if you let him know how much it hurts you how much it makes you jealous when he does spend time talking to this girl.

Answer 5

Explain your feelings to him the way you did on this site. Personally, you shouldn't have to give a deep in depth reason for not wanting him to talk to this woman. He should recognize his past mistakes and be able to understand why you feel the way that you do. However, it also sounds like you haven't TRULY forgiven him for his affair. You need to really reevaluate your feelings on him and the past situation. Are you really happy? Do you truly trust him? You two may need to go to counseling. Counseling may help the two of you pinpoint each others insecurities which obviously led to his affair and your current mistrust. Good luck

Answer 6

You don't tell him what to do. That's not your place.

You SHARE your feelings with him.

"Cletus, I feel threatened when you and Shanequa chat on MySpace. It brings back memories of that whole business with Lurlene. I shouldn't have said what I said, and I appreciate all the changes you've made since the Lurlene thing, but I really feel threatened and hurt here. Can we please talk about this?"

Fight fair. I-phrases are great: "I feel," "I think," "I want." You-absolutes are not: "You always..."

Own your feelings. Share the feelings you own. Maybe that will be enough to prompt him to decide what the right thing to do is.

Demanding will likely just make him dig his heels in.

Answer 7

If you are married you need to learn how to approach your spouse UNEMOTIONALLY with this stuff. If you start getting angry and yelling he's going to put up a wall and he won't hear anything you're saying. You have a right to be suspicious and I know my wife would be very perturbed with me if I had online relationships with single women. That is pretty much a bozo no-no if you're married.

Getting Jesus doesn't change anything, incidentally. It just gets people off your back for a while. Men generally don't change ever, despite what he might claim.

FP

Answer 8

well, if he really has accepted Christ and is serious about it, and you seriously believe him to have, then you should give him a little space. By making an issue out of it, you may be in danger of pushing him closer to this girl, with whom he may only be talking to because he doesnt know how to deal with your concerns - what better way to find out why a woman does what a woman does than from another woman? (same goes for either sex).

Maybe you should push your concerns over a bit more diplomatically by telling him that its okay to talk to the opp. sex, but how it makes you feel unhappy when he talks to the opposite sex , and why it does. If your calm about it, maybe he will realise your just afraid of loosing him again . . .

Answer 9

Well, you now know how NOT to do it.

Ok, you can't control him. But I do think you have to share how it makes you feel.

The general format is WIFTS

When you ______________, I Feel ______________, I Think ____________, so I'd like to respectfully ask you to ____________.

So it would go something like this:

When you correspond online, I feel all those jealous feelings from when you slept with my best friend, I don't think you are having an affair, but I still get those feelings. So I'd like to respectfully ask for you to stop, or perhaps only write her with me watching and reading what you write. I prefer that you not communicate at all, and certainly don't want you to carry on any sort of communication with a woman behind my back.

I think you would feel the same way if I was carrying on in correspondance with a man behind your back, so please respect how I feel regarding this.

Answer 10

sweetie - once a cheater always a cheater - dont fall for the - Oh Ive given my life to Christ bull - some of those people are the biggest hypocrites out there. Tell him it bothers you that he talks to this girl and you would rather he not do it. If he insists, find out a GOOD reason why he needs to talk to her. If there is no good reason, kick him to the curb and find yourself a good man who doesnt give so many excuses.