How do I build my trust again with my wife?

Question

A former ex had been emailing me. Wrongly, I sent occasional responses and continued communication with her. There was nothing other than emailing going on. Somehow, my wife found out about it. She was hurt and felt deceived that I kept this somewhat secret. I apologized profusely. She says that at this point, her trust for me is gone. I feel horrible and don't want this sort of bad tension with my wife. How can I once again gain her trust?

Answer 1

And so what did these emails say? What were your thoughts about this ex? Did you have fantasies about her or was it strictly platonic? I recently had something similiar happen to me - except I am the ex girlfriend and the newly married husband contacted me!!!! I sent him back to his wife, but he came back, telling me how wonderful I was and blah blah blah and then he got caught and his Mother ended up calling me screaming at me when I did the right thing in the first place!!! If the emails you had were strictly platonic, I would offer to show them to your wife to prove that there was no emotional affair going on. If there was some suspicious material (anything you said negative about your wife or your relationship, or anything questionably romantic you said to your ex) then it is probably best not to show her the emails. CUT OFF ALL CONTACT with the ex. Block her email, IM's whatever. Sit your wife down, take her hand, look her straight in the eye and tell her how much you love her and how sorry you are - you never meant to hurt her or show disrespect to her and you just never thought about how speaking with and ex might be seen as deceitful or disrespectful to her. Tell her she means the world to you and that you dont want to lose her and that you will do anything to get you marriage back on track, maybe even go to a counselor if that would help. Good luck.

Answer 2

I know you feel as if you need to fix this right away but it’s going to take time. While you're waiting for forgiveness, make sure you are very open with her. She is extra sensitive right now. Try not to talk about the incident, unless she initiates the conversation. If she does mention it, she probably just needs to talk about it and all you really need to do is be a good listener.

PS: Wait until the memory is distant and surprise her with a bouquet of flowers for no reason other than you love her. Before you know it, the good old days will return.

Peace :)

Answer 3

She is right. You have deceived her by keeping it a secret. Time and being honest with her at all times will help. Trust, communication and love is the most important element in any relationship. Tell her you will cut all type of communication with this other person.

Answer 4

It will take time for her to gain the trust back. First of all I think she should forgive you and forget it. All you did was email someone, it wasn't like you had an actual affair. She will get over it in time and maybe next time don't keep it a secret.

Answer 5

Trust is so hard to regain but its not hopeless. Take your time with your wife in everything you do, spend more time listening and taking care of her, anticipating her needs. She needs to feel not just trustfull but safe and secure. invite her to talk about how she is feeling even though it may be hard for you to hear. Reinforce your love to her and how important the relationship is to you. Most of all, ask her what she needs from you or for you to do to get that feeling back, and DO those things no matter how small or routine. If that means calling when you are on your way home, calling when you arrive, going with her to the market and shoe shopping you have to do it. You are not asking her to forget, just to forgive.

Answer 6

Show her that she is the only one for you. Don't be a loser like all the other men's out there that when they say that they will stop doing something and instead of not doing it they go in with the same thing again. Be Loyal and truly try to NEVER do it again. Cause she might want to get a divorse if she forgives you and you still keep on with it.

Answer 7

trust must be earned, by actions, get rid of the other woman, let her know where u are at all times, just to set her mind at ease. know that it will take her time to get to the way it use to be before all this happened, so don't feel as if u are being punished. injustice can cause people who were trusting to change. get into counciling, your wife feels threatened, and what she trusted and felt safe in she now questions. give her time, be prepared not to win her trust back right away, u must be patient with her.

Answer 8

Don't hide anything from her. Give her all of your account passwords and never delete your browser history. Spend less time on the computer and make sure to call when you are out to check in with her. Spend as much time with her as possible and try to make her feel special. Just give her that little bit of extra attention and security and I think you'll both be fine. Also, make sure to talk to her about everything, communication is crucial.

Answer 9

The best advice I can give you is be patient with her. You know she loves you and she knows you love her but a sore doesn't heal over night. Continue to show her love and she will trust you again. Time heals all wounds and she is just hurt right now. Be sure you never give her a reason to doubt you again.

Answer 10

Dude,

Curly gave you that absolute best advice possible. You need to...

1. Do EVERYTHING suggested by Curly.
2. Grovel at your wife's feet from now on.
3. Spend every free moment with her and try and regain her trust.

Something nearly identical happened to me and I expect the same from my wife. At least you realize your blunder. My wife said she did not feel she did anything wrong. I won't it much detail (check my first couple of questions).

Curly hit the nail on the head man. Take heed!