What do you think of this poem I wrote? I don't have a title for it yet.?

Question

They walk on the beach together hand in hand,
Tickling there feet is the soft snow white sand.

She looks at him and he looks back at her,
They both smile not believing where they were.

For nothing lites there path but the moon and stars,
Neither ever feeling at all like this by far.

The only sound is the ocean waves crashing in,
When all of a sudden he stops; she looks at him.

He says, I never want this feeling to change!
Out of no where he wakes up with a bang!!

He sits up while reality finally sets in,
Reality is dark, and gloomy and oh so grim.

His love is gone forever, living on the other side,
The thought of living without her, he doesn't want to try.

Then he remembers all the good times they had,
All the smiles, and laughs with so very few bad.

She is in a better place he reminds himself,
That very simple thought fills him up with wealth.

For he got to experience something that very few do,
The feeling of someone saying, "I love you"

Answer 1

omg i got the shivers when i read that!! its amazing!!!
i would call it "the gloomy truth," but that sorta makes it sound like it is going to be a sad gloomy poem. it is so sweet and romantic tho!!

Answer 2

You have a sweet poem here. Nothing is as sad as dreaming and then waking up to reality. The reality here is very sad. I think you could correct some errors here in both spelling and in the rhyming sequence. "Change" and "bang" really jar. Also, I would read the poem aloud and catch the areas that need adjusting so that the flow is very smooth.

I questioned some lines:

"All the smiles, and laughs with so very few bad." It makes it sound like the laughs were sometimes bad.

Sometimes, in trying to rhyme, a writer limits themselves in word choice. You might think of rewriting this as a free verse and see if you can't capture more of the emotions you want to convey.

Personally, I find the periods distracting. I think of poetry as lines of verse as opposed to sentences. It's also worth having someone look over your work for the errors that spellcheck can't catch. When there are errors, it really takes away from your poem and distracts the reader. Words like "there" (which should be "their" - representing the possessive form) are not always caught by spellcheck.

As for a title, I think you will find one. I think it's good to use one that doesn't give too much of the poem away. Rework it and I think a title will come to you. I think maybe "Dark Star" or something might work.

I enjoyed your poem. Everyone that has been loved is lucky, aren't they? Even when their loved one passes away.

Answer 3

a very captivating poem deserving of e book in a Poetry Anthology. i ought to point the perceive to be: EPIPHANY. decrease than is a definition of what it extremely is, by way of very truth of this i'm recommending it: An Epiphany is a an seen charm or manifestation, esp. of a deity. Or a outstanding, intuitive concept of or concept into the reality or needed that technique of a few thing, in a large number of circumstances initiated with the help of means of a few immediately ahead, homely, or accepted prevalence or experience. Or a literary paintings or element of a paintings providing, in a large number of circumstances symbolically, seen actual a kind of 2d of revelation and concept. reliable success to you.

Answer 4

I agree, that I dont like the bang part. Plus there is some spelling mistakes: Lights, not lites, and their, not there. Other than these technical mistakes, it is a very sweet little nice poem. Good on you and keep trying.

Answer 5

k, i more skimmed and read, but i dont really like u using the word bang in it. i think it doesnt fit the adultish feel of the poem. it is good, but i would have tried something different then bang.

Answer 6

this poem is very touching, in ways everyone knows what the feeling is. Loved the rhythm, and how it flowed. For me, I would call it "The Wakening"

Answer 7

that is definitly a nice poem. it reminds me of that recent commercial of the couple in bed sleeping and the man wakes up and puts a diamond necklace on her and she wakes up and sees it. i love your poem. Put it on poetry,com. i got my poem published there too.
Good Job!

Answer 8

Sweet.

Answer 9

snow is not sift so change that part, and there is too many poems about couples walking on the beach!

Answer 10

there are so many people on the internet
and not alot of people worth holding on to

This poem is amzing and makes me think of the poems i write

hi i'm Doe
u?