How do you know when to let go of your marriage?

Question

Again, my husband cheated on me while he was deployed to Iraq. I figured it out and he confessed. He continued to cheat with the same girl for over a year. I know that they didn't talk for at least a month and he was trying to work things out with me. Things were going well, and then I found out that he was having an affair with her again for 3 months behind my back. I really thought he had changed.

We decided to separate and he got an apartment. He claims that the girl is out of the picture and we have been trying. I feel as though he comes home because he wants his family to be whole again. I don't think it's because he really wants to be there, because he just goes through the motions.

He hasn't been acting like himself and I don't know why. I think he feels bad for messing up to begin with and feels bad because he lost his girlfriend.

What can we do to make everyone happy? Him, me, our daughter and the other woman?

Answer 1

I don't answer a ton of these, but this is a mess for you, and really pretty easy for me to see that I hope this will give you some insight. I'll take off 20 minutes and write something to you.

The answer to the last question is nothing ---I'm sure you have that one figured out...Unless of course you share. Is that acceptable? Does she also wish to share??? Is that acceptable to her as well. It is obviously acceptable to your husband...... Then, you all can be one happy family.

However, You have also asked a question at the top, and these are not the same, are they?

"How do you know when to let go of your marriage?" And that one is pretty easy, actually.

Marriage, as most of us regard it, (though usually we can't get it into words) is Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust.--- four biggies. Sub-headings in all of those are things like a loving environment to raise children should you wish to ever have any, lots of kindness, contentment, time together, shared travel and friends, dinners, wine by a nice fire, solitude, and common goals, communication, and the learned ability to resolve problems with rage, etc...... Other items as well can be listed as sub-headings. But the ones above just die. absolutely and positively, hon, in the face of resentment -- whatever form that resentment is, and in your case, continued and repeated lies and cheating. Betrayal is the real deal-buster in a relationship---- the trust is gone, the lady, (or in your case, your husband, for christ sake) has shared his body and soul with another woman --- for months...... oh, hon, you ARE a doormat. With the exit of trust, all the rest of it either blows up in your face or erodes as the only image you about see is him sticking it to someone else, and coming back to you to lie again. You don't have a marriage, hon, you are the "jerk in reserve".. This is this guy's pattern, from what you have written here--- marriage takes a husband and a wife -- he isn't husband material, and you don't have a marriage... You know the answer to this one as easy as I do.... file, hon, get out, get some counseling, get your head back on straight, and find a nice guy worthy of you,----- a nice lady. Life is tooooo short for hassles, and there are just tooooo many great men out there who all they want is a sweet lady who will love them and be a wife to them, and yes, all of it with you --- the four biggies.

Answer 2

No one gets through these awful situations without good couples therapy. Trust me, it is imperative that you find a qualified and productive therapist.
He's acting strange? What do you expect? He cheated, spent time in a war, moved out, moved back, had sex with another woman.......need I go on?
There are three possibilities.......you get help and your marriage gets better(it will never be the same, hopefully it will improve though), you struggle together without counseling and flounder around trying to fix things, or you walk away from each other.
People DO get through this and come through it happier than before the affair. But you both have to WANT it and be willing to do ANYTHING to fix it.

Answer 3

I would say that you need to end it once and for all.
All relationships that I have seen go through this same thing..and try and get back together...NEVER work!
But, I will also say this...you know when to give up on a marraige when you can both walk out the door and have absolutely no feelings in doing so. I mean no hurt, anger, frustration, sadness and so on. If you have turned over every card, to try and repair this marraige, and it's still not working, you need to move on.

If you didn't have a child involved, I think my mind would be made up. But I understand how much harder it must be when it's not just you that you're thinking about.


Hope everything turns out ok for you.
Goodluck.

Answer 4

First of all, who cares about the other woman. Let her take care of herself. Now you and your husband probably need to get some marital counseling. Now this is what people have told me about spouses having affairs and what I have found out myself, you got to let go of the fact that he had affair and move passed it. Especially if you want your marriage to work. Remember is hard work and also he was in Iraq he might be dealing with a lot of mental and emotional issues from that. In any case you two need to communicate with each other. Give it time and you will get back to a happier marriage.

Answer 5

Not everyone is going to win out in this situation. I am however wondering why you care about the other women's happiness?? My husband and I separted for a year because he cheated on me twice with two different women. We filed for divorce and changed our minds at the last minute to work things out for our family. It is possible for him to commit again but don't get to attached to him coming over if it is only for the child involved. Good luck!

Answer 6

You all need to let each other go. Adultery i hard to get over expecially when you are the one hur. How can you trust that person again? It takes a lot to regain trust for someone. Just explain to your daughter that things did not work out and tell your husband that you can't trust him. If you don't have trust what have you got? tell the mistress to go jump off a cliff for all the drama she has put in your life!

Answer 7

For one, do not stay in a marriage for the kids, that is the worst think you can do to your little girl. Second who cares about the other woman? She did not care about you while she slept with your husband. Third does he realize in the military he has committed a crime that he could get a court martial for? What a ding dong! Ok last you need to do what is best for you. If you need help figuring that out please get some real therapy and not just advice from YA. Good luck my prayers are with you!

Answer 8

wow you are a lot like me a few years ago. I should say you try to make everyone happy. hun you can never ever acomplish that. Do this for yourself and your daughter. It is all about you both. not him or his hooker. He screwed up not you. She disrespected you by allowing him to go there. Screw them both and make your self and your child happy first. after he see's you moving on without him, thats when the shocker will hit him. He missed out on the best woman in the world. Hunny you have a lot of power. use it.

Answer 9

This may sound harsh so I'm sorry but he probably feels bad because he loved the girl he was with or he wouldn't have stayed with her. You should try to move on, live life and take care of your kid. Let him see her and try to work with him on a parent to parent basis only. Get yourself a good man that won't cheat on you. They do exist!!

Answer 10

The Time has come. Move on and don't live with the regret but rejoice at your re-birth. Your Daughter will get over the emotional shock relatively quickly and life will improve.

Best wishes and good luck.