Am I not allowed any "me time"? Why does my husband act like Im not?

Question

Ive asked this question before and only got one response because yahoo messed up and didnt post it properly until several hours later. I am a stay at home mom. My hubby doesnt seem to realize what kind of a toll this takes on a woman with 2 kids under the age of 2. I love my kids dearly but why cant I get him to realize that I need some me time? Im lucky if I get them both down for a nap at the same time and then I can, but when hes home, why can't he be nice enough to get away from the tv a bit and take care of them so I can take a break? He made a comment to me when I was on the computer (I was studying by the way) when I asked his opinion on something. He said "I dont care about the stupid computer, I would rather pay attention to my son." Implying that is what I should have been doing instead. Im with them all day long. They are 20 mo and 5 mo old. I dont even get to take regular showers everyday. Why does he have to say things like that? Is he jealous? He has no reason to be...

When he wants to leave and go do something, he does. I cant do that without having one of the kids with me. I would love to have one time that I can go to the store by myself. I love my babies unconditionally and I feel weird being away from them but all in all, I need to keep my sanity! He will take our son who is older with him and take care of him, but not our daughter because shes still a baby and hes afraid to. He was that way when our son was her age. He wont even change a diaper. If I am doing something, cooking, cleaning, laundry, no matter what it is, he wont get up off the couch and go get her from her crib if she is crying and expects me to drop what I am doing and get her. Why is he being so selfish? He makes it seem like the task I am doing isnt important enough. It doesnt matter, all he is doing is just sitting there! We've been going to a counselor and all but he still doesnt get it. I dont even get to go out with friends. He goes out and plays golf anytime he wants to!

I dont spend any more money than what he gives me every week for groceries and diapers. I do ask him to watch the kids and let me take a shower instead of waiting until they are asleep, but he just wont do it. He will do anything I ask him to do with the oldest EXCEPT change his diaper. He hollers at me for that. I ask him politely as I can, just he either ignores me, or tells me to wait a bit, for his stupid show to end or something, but then another one begins! Hes being so selfish.

Answer 1

Yes, you're allowed 'me' time.

Answer 2

I'm not big on retaliation. But if you've tried all you can and still have no "me time". I would sit him down and state, how appreciative and lucky you feel to be a stay at home mom. But being such is just as hard of a job if not harder than going to work each day because being a stay at home mom is a 24/7 thankless job.

Ask him if he would like to live at his work, be at his boss's beck and call every minute of every day. Ask if he'd like to have his boss follow him into the bathroom while he went potty, and then ask for a glass of milk while he's wiping his behind.

If this still doesn't get his attention, I would probably state "well, as much as I love you and hate to do this, you give me no choice, I'm leaving for an hour to go buy groceries (or whatever), I will not be taking the children, consider this my smoke or lunch break"

Good luck, stand your ground. I don't think your husband is intentionally trying to be selfish. It's quite possible he's not 100% sure of himself as far as handling the children. A lot of men are like that, they are nervous that they don't know what to do in case of emergency. It's out of their comfort zone. Don't punish him for that, instead maybe educate him.

When you come back for your hour long "break" then hopefully you guys can have a calm conversation and you can say that you need an hour each day for some alone time. But you can build up to it. Tell him you'll take it gradually, 15 minutes at a time for the first week or two (long enough for a shower), then move it up to 30 minutes (long enough for a bath) then 45 minutes etc...

Answer 3

Ok, I am the mother of four boys and married to a man that could be your husbands clone.

He wouldn't participate in the care of our kids for a long time. I would cry, beg, scream, and beg some more, but he always looked at it as my job.

This is very difficult to do, but if you do, it will help.....I promise!

Make plans with your girlfriends. Prepare a bottle, get the diapers and wipes out, be sure they have all the necessary survival tools, and go!!! You husband will do what needs to be done to care for his kids. Right now, he doesn't have to. You are doing it for him and he is taking that for granted. The first time you do it, only leave for an hour or so. When you come home, let him know that this will be a monthly thing, so he needs to get used to it. When he gets P.O'd (and he will), just calmly explain to him that you need the time away from your kids to be a better and more productive mom. When he is still P.O'd (and he will be), explain to him that you need to know that he is capable of caring for his children without you, because tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone.

You will be uncomfortable, and probably have a horrible time the first time you leave, but it will get easier, and you will be accomplishing two very important goals. 1. You will get the "me time" you so desperatly need and deserve, and 2. He will gain the confidence he needs to become an effective and productive father.

Very best of luck to you - your babies will be fine while you are gone - force yourself, no matter how hard it seems!

P.S. Don't forget to spend quality time with your husband too - date night once a month would be a good idea!

Answer 4

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I work 2 days a week and am home the rest of the time. My only me time is when I am at work. He stays home and keeps the kids while I am at work and when I come home, I am expected to cook, clean up, get the kids ready for bed, get them in bed and then I am supposed to "relax". When I am home, I have to do the same things as when I work. The only difference is that I don't have to get up at 3am. I am not given any me time. I do not have time to go to the doctor, the dentist, get my hair cut much less colored, and cannot even get a shower without 6 little eyes peeking through the shower door. I have to admit it is frustrating. I have to say that as they have gotten older it has gotten easier.

Your kids are pretty close together and that makes it hard too. My first two are 18 months apart and the second and third are just under 2 yrs apart. I promise it will get easier. Especially when they go to school it will get easier. I know you are frustrated. I am there with you. Hang in there.

Husbands don't understand why we need me time. They think that if we are home all day then we have had me time. They don't understand that sometimes we need an hour to ourselves to refresh ourselves. We need time to take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I hope things get better. I would sit down and talk to him calmly and see if you can work it out to where you have an hour to yourself every other day or every three days. Start with the least amount you think you can live with and slowly work up to more. We all deserve some time to breathe. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids. It just means we are human and that we love our kids and for them we need to step back and relax for a minute.

Best wishes!! Happy Holidays!!

Answer 5

wow, you sound just like me. I have an eight month old and a four year old. I recently got my license revoked and I'm a stay at home mom. So we're cooped up in the house ALL day while my husband is at work. And I find myself asking him alot...why don't you get up and help me, and why dont you let me take a nap. I barely have time to shower and brush my teeth. But what I do, once a day in the afternoon, I stop everything, no cleaning, cooking, nothing. I make sure the kids are fed or whatever, and I sit them both in front of the tv for about an hour and do what i want to do. Men really just don't understand, they think bc you're at home all day, you're doing nothing.You know, they go to work, bring home the money, so apparently we do nothing. And it is bs. But as hard as it may be now, your bond with your children is growing stronger everyday. My four year old absolutely adores me, while she barely even says hi to her father, bc she knows im always there.

Answer 6

No only are you allowed it is required. You need to take care of yourself too. The happier you are the happier your kids will be. He acts that way because he has NOOO idea what it takes to stay home with 2 young kids. he believes he works hard all day and you're home so you don't. A lot of men believe this. My husband used to think this too, until his grandmother said to him one day she didn't now how I did it.I'm a young woman and I never get to leave the house. For whatever reason that opened his eyes a little bit. i guess because it came from someone other than me. I take at least one night a month and go out with the girls. It may not seem like a lot, but it's enough for me to get out, do the girl talk and replenish myself for that one night that I'm able to stay with the kids. I also treat myself to a manicure every two or three weeks too. It's just a small way I pamper myself. You need to find something that helps you relax without the kids. Even something small to recharge. You can't stay home with the kids forever. You'll end up resenting them and your husband.

Answer 7

Tell this husband of yours that he is being selfish. Tell him you are going to go shopping next Saturday (even if it's just to the grocery), and that HE is going to care for HIS children for a few hours. You want him to see how hard it is, so he will realize WHY you need an hour of time to yourself every evening, the same as him. If he refuses, then take the kids to a sitter and go anyway. You DO deserve some downtime. In fact, you NEED it so that you can be a rested, loving mother and not a stir crazy woman. Also, tell him you will be taking a shower every evening once the kids are tucked in bed, and if the kids wake up, HE is to go to them. Stick to it. You have spoiled this man.

Answer 8

No offence but when those kids popped out of you, you should have kissed your "free time" goodbye. Ha-ha. I know how you feel believe me. I have a 20 month old and a 5 month old too. But our situations are different. I am a single mom. I consider my free time going to work. Tell your man that you need help. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Comunication is #1. If that don't work I would I would get a sitter and when he realizes how much money that is going to cost him just so you can have a few hours to yourself maybe he will change his mind about watching the kids for awhile. Good luck.

Answer 9

sweetie, i have been there before, i have a 2 and a 1 year old. i worked full time, pick the girls up, go home cook, clean and change pampers and everything else that comes along with being a mother and wife. while he sat and played madden! i finally woke up and was like i can only say so much to him before he realizes i am serious. one day i went home and instead of doing what i normally do, i told him the girls food is in the fridge, bath time is at 7:30. bedtime at 8. i m going to the store. grabbed my shopping list (only for affect) and left. came back a couple of hours later. i had a few things from the store, but i treated myself to a dinner and a manicure. when i got back he was like oh my gosh, im so glad you are back. and i was like what, he begin to apologize because he really didnt know what all it took to handle 2 babies and a husband. so...needless to say when i need some me time i get it!

god bless and hope things work out!

Answer 10

the only way for him to understand what is your day about ,is let him stay by himself with the kids at least a hole weekend .they think because you stay all they long at home you would have enough time to do wherever you need to.I am a mother of 5 including twins and I know what you talking about.It is a no stopping job.you start doing something and one baby cry ,you take care this one and the other is up.I don't think is about jealousy it is lack of understanding,because men work outside the house they think that when they get home they need their space to relax because they had a hard they and they don't think how hard it is take care of the kids.they come play with them a little bit and that is it.talk to him explain how you fell and see if he is up to do the tasks.this is the only way he will understand how exhausting is a stay home job

Answer 11

Have you tried talking to him? In a nice way,not a nag saying, "Honey, I rarely get any time to myself when I'm alone here with the kids, would you mind keeping an eye on them while I ____________?"

You might also look into a 'Mom's Day Out" program at a local church or ask a nearby neighbor to sit with the kids for an hour or two a couple of days a week so you can have some adult "playtime." You can also contact another young mom in a similar situation to see about trading day care one or two days a week.

That way you get some time to yourself without stressing your husband out as well.