What should I do after wife had Emotional/physical Affair at work with Surgeon?

Question

Wife was pursued by a surgeon at the local hospital in Lake Havasu for 9 months. He is married, with 2 kids. We have been married for 20 years. and have 3 kids. He would call her , come see her every day at work till they got emotionaly involved with some minor physical activities. I sensed somthing was wrong. Wife told me about it claiming, "just friends, somone to talk to". I finally got in his face a bit in the hospital lobby when I found them sitting nice and cozy, while she thought I was out of town. Anyways , things have more or less stopped between them, (so she says), but I have lost all trust, and I cant stand the fact that they still see each other every day, and talk. My wife has apoligized and says she is ashamed, but she is not willing to find another job to alleviate my issues. What should I do? I dont think I will ever get comfotrtable with her working with him. She is the case manger for the surgery floor and he is a surgeon.

Answer 1

Bamma say wife must find new job. Bamma say she have no choice. Bamma say she get new job or you expose surgeon for scumbag he is. Bamma say she do it then. Bamma say threaten law suit. Bamma say he sorry this get messy. Bamma say wife make bed she sleep in it. Bamma say it rediculous to think they still work together and "nothing" at all happen. Bamma say they have history now. Bamma say this not erase just like that. Bamma say are kids still at home? Bamma say they the important issue here. Bamma say kids need both parents til on own feet. Bamma say stick it out. Bamma say finish the job. Bamma sense you want to keep her. Bamma say spice things up at home. Bamma say make her so happy she'll remember why she marry you. Bamma say things happen at home to make her drift. Bamma say it both your faults. Bamma say you make her want to quit that job by being the husband she marry. Bamma otta know.

Answer 2

I work in a hospital too and unfortunately this goes on more than anyone knows. I have seen many marriages fail because of things like this. I don't have the perfect answer. I can understand why she may not want to give up her job, I imagine she makes very good money and is in a position to move up if there is opportunity to do so. I can understand why you want her to give up that job but you have to to understand that finding another job in the area may not keep them from seeing each other. Most doctors have priviledges in 3 or more hospitals at once.

I would suggest some counseling for the both of you to resolve the trust issue. There may be a reason why she was drawn to him. Maybe he listened to her and heard what she was saying. Maybe he was a shoulder to cry on because of trouble you two were having.

The way I see it is this: If she says she has cut off ties with this man tells you she wants to stay with you, give her the opportunity to do so. If she strays again and you have given the relationship 100% to stay together then you will have your answer. My motto is: Give them enough rope to hang themselves. Let them run free and do as they please while you keep your ears open. Don't act suspicious and don't follow them and don't show up unexpectedly. She has to want to be there with you. If it falls apart you will be able to say you tried.

Answer 3

Well, I'm a bit of a jerk so this is what I would do.

#1 Go to http://www.zabbasearch.com/ and find out where the Married surgeon lives.

#2 Contact the wife of the surgeon and tell her everything you know and suspect.

#3 Ask the wife of the surgeon for her suggestion to keep your spouses behaving themselves.

#4 If she doesn't want to listen. Go to public embarrassment. Find something that you can make copies of that shows them being naughty and mail copies to all their neighbors. Its defamation of character if its a lie, but if its the truth all you are doing is making it public.

#5 Now that you've trashed your wife. Find out if you can forgive each other.

Answer 4

I don't answer a ton of these, but this one really begs for some resolution, and insight from an outsider...

Really fast, call his wife, sweetie, and share with you your suspicions. Any marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust, and for sure the trust is eroding on your side, and she already has respect and admiration for him.... and you aren't even sure about the passion part.... (and they really don't have to trust each other, it is all extra-martial). If she has indeed betrayed your marriage, and is repentfull, both of you need to get into counseling..... it is two or more years that trust takes to rebuild in a wounded marriage, and that is with no guarantees. You need to tip the balance of these thing in your favor. Anyone would have lost trust in this situation... and your marriage is a long one...difficult to keep the spark going on your side, as well as hers, and probably on the doc's side as well. If you think this marriage can be saved, and their little "some one to talk to" crap excuse is over, insist you get into counseling, for a few sessions to find out where everyone stands.. and for sure find out if they have been intimate because betrayal is just a real deal-breaker---- really the only one.... sometime with a "ref" there, you can get more accomplished than if you try a chat with her alone ---( those often disintegrate into shouting matches, as you try to resolve the issues --- all that comes out is rage, and anger, either at being caught, or at resenting lack of trust..... therapists are pretty good at getting issues on the table without bruising egos.

If she has indeed betrayed your marriage, OHHHH tuff one. If you think it's over, and you can go on.. good for you. If you don't you'll need some help.... In either case, she has to know, that she has shaken your trust in her... and that, hon, is a biggie, because that is what makes marriages come apart.

Answer 5

She should have enough respect for you to at least consider switching jobs. You should have that surgeon reported to the hospital board for his questionable ethics. Talk your trust issues and other problems out with your wife. Perhaps even a marriage couselor. Trust is one of the hardest things to ever earn back. Your wife should have a little common sense. Is she going to throw away 20yrs of marriage on a dumb affair? I guarantee that surgeon isn't going to leave his marriage. he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. You should confront that surgeons wife and fill her in on some of the things that are going on.

Answer 6

You actually made it easier for her to leave you by acting like a child. From now on, ignore the situation. You get your game on and improve yourself. If you want your wife, you have to be desirable to her. Right now you are not. You got competition. Rise up to the occassion! Or you could give up. There is no middle ground.

Answer 7

being single i'd say "to the curb honey, to the curb.", but you have a life with this woman. i insist you and she go to counseling. with an unbiased person you and she can find answers and coping skills. who knows why people do the things they do but you will keep seeng red until you do. this thing has to be talked out. if she has to get a restraining order ts that he'd get the picture then that's something she may have to consider and be willng to do. i have never said women don't cheat but i will say they stray for different reasons than men do. you said yourself that it was emotional as well. then if that's so then there's something she's not getting anymore from you and you may not know it. not saying it's your fault. thank goodness it hasn't gone as far as it could have and that you know about it now. don't throw it in her face and don't ask for anymore details. you know enough now and you don't want to know anymore. get past it and get help. after being with someone for so long and to have this happen and unbiased opinion will help. if you can, drop by where ever she is every now and then to let her and him know that you are watching and fighting for what you have. she may just need your attention. now that your eyes are open, open your ears and your mind to her.

Answer 8

Oh man......

By minor physical activites do you mean kissing? If she's not willing to find another job, I don't know how you will get the trust back!

I really recommend some counseling. She needs to earn your trust back, and in my book...that means a new job.

Answer 9

THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE, (KICK THE B.I.T.CH OUT) Don't mess about. Kick her to the curb. That is what she did to you, mentally. Do the same to her physically. After being married for so long, dont you feel like a change. Good luck to you, and don't do what I did, and take her back. It won't work again, and the trouble is I cannot get rid now. Married 43 yrs, I have been. If I only knew then,???

bob upth north......UK

Answer 10

we humans need atention and you might be giving her attention your own way but maybe she is seeking the excitement of something new and forbiden, you need to talk to her and make thinks clear either she stop her friendship with him or you are going to leave her confront him too and let hiim know you are willing to notify his wife of his extra work activities with your wife she lost respect for you allready i dont really think there is much left between you 2 but your kids, if you keep allowing this to happen without actions she is going to continue the game she is playing