Why do I still hurt?

Question

My husband (now ex) had an affair with a co-worker 8 months ago. His excuse - he was not happy. We had grown apart and starting taking each other for granted. When I found out I divorced him in what I believe is record time - 3 months. I am one of those people who said - if he ever cheats I will divorce him. And I did. It has been 8 months now and he has since moved in with the other woman. Why does this still hurt so much? I miss him. I don't know why. Is it the holidays? Sometimes I believe we both messed up and we are going to regret the decisions we made. Anybody in a similar situation? How do you move on?

Answer 1

its hard to let someone that you love go and you still love him alot and want to be with him but you did the write thing cause no one deserves to get cheated on that is wrong and hateful to do to someone that you supposedly love

Answer 2

I'm not in a similar situation, but I can definitely show sympathy for you. Relationship problems are a struggle, and divorces are devastating. You put your trust in someone and thought they would love you truly, purely, and completely literally til death do you part. That particular person betrayed you by doing exactly the opposite. It is completely normal and completely OK to be hurting. Holidays make it especially hard, but even though it is probably really tough for you right now to try to get through the holidays, it isn't impossible. You need to realize that you did what is best for you. How long were you married to this guy? Each person has a healing process that is completely unique. It doesn't matter if it takes you 8 months, 8 days, or 8 years, give yourself as much time as you need to cope with your feelings. Try not to think about him and who he is with now. Try to focus on you and where you are. That is the most important thing. It is also important to know that no matter what happens, you loved him with all of your heart, and even though he betrayed you, part of you will probably always love him and part of you will probably always feel a void. That doesn't mean that you can't move on and do what best makes you happy. You just need time, and take all the time you need, don't be worried and feel it is taking too long. Your heart is a very fragile thing. Good luck.

Answer 3

I would say that this is a wound that will just take time to heal. Having to go through the trauma of an affair followed by a divorce and finally the fact that your ex has moved on is so much to go through. Right now I would concentrate on the things in life that I love. Go somewhere fun, spend time with friends. Do something you have always said you were going to do but life got in the way. Im sure these are things that you already know but actually taking that step towards living your life and moving on can make you feel so much better. I wish I had more life experience to share - I will be thinking of you!

Answer 4

The reason you are hurting and he has moved on is YOU were the one dedicated to the relationship, you didn't expect to be cheated on, you were in love with him when he did this to you. He on the other hand obviously was over you before it was even over. He is spineless! I am so sorry you have to feel this hurt, I can't tell you how to get over it quickly. People say spend time with friends and family, which can help, but in my case, I found the more time I spent doing that, the more I was reminded that he was no longer there. I would suggest new friends and new activites so you are not reminded of all the times you spent together on a daily basis. If it helps any, he will cheat on the girl he is with now too as soon as reality sets in. Right now he is in the new stage of the relationship, once she starts doing something he doesn't like, or he gets bored he will cheat again. Time is the only thing that is going to cure you.

Answer 5

Time wounds all heals. Once you truly love someone - you always will to a degree. It is a natural emotion to want to justify his actions and find blame in yourself. Just an emotion and not the reality that he did not take his vows seriously, has no character, and you have to give up on him. You made a vow and were forced into this action. It will get better. This is just a grieving phase. Self blame, then anger, then sadness. Stay busy and keep the faith that there are brighter days in your horizon. Don't think or analyze too much. Go away if you can and do something fun even though you are not in the mood. Have a good cry and then look for the beauty around you. Life goes on and you will do just fine. Accept that he is what he is and forgive him and yourself. His loss is your gain.

Answer 6

So he cheats and the only answer is divorce? Have you ever heard of dealing with the issues that caused the cheating and then working through the issues?

You're hurting because you made a mistake, you let him go, and now he's shacked up with the new lady and you're all alone. Did you expect he was going to mope around for months because you threw him away? You could have fought for the relationship, you didn't, he moved on, and now you're lonely. Go find a boy toy and have some fun and get over it.

Answer 7

no it's not just the holidays that are doing this to your heart,let me tell you a true story,15 months ago my wife and I seperated after 14 yrs. because of my infedileties,we did not divorce,and she chose to move on quickly with another man,I guess for the revenge and pain comfort and all that other stuff, but any ways after october of this past year I thought I could bear no more and filed for the divorce,I will speed things up for you and spare you all the details,but recently we have started talking again and are willing to work things out and go to counseling,I guess the point I am trying to make is some advice I have been given and that is you are only ready for divorce when you can walk out of the room with no hurt or pain and you are absolutely positive that you have turned every stone over that you could have possibly turned to make things work,for us we have not turned all the stones over yet,as well as after 15 months we both still hold pain and hurt and have feelings for each other,too many people rush into decisions because of their emotions and allow their common sense to go right out the window,I'm sorry to hear of your situation but it is never too late to express your feelings and be honest with someone even if you have made a mistake,however if your husband accepted your divorce and moved on with the other woman that easilily, then his heart was never totally in your relationship to begin with anyway, and you shouldn't blame your self for what you are feeling now,get with friends that really care about you and enjoy life,because It's too short to take for granted.God Bless and Best wishes

Answer 8

Wow your story touch me~I really feel your pain and I really hope that he is missing you as much you are missing him. Maybe some day in the near future you both will be together again if not let life take it's path and move on. You now should try to work on yourself not just the outside but the inside, try to do prayer and assist at your local church, be in peace with yourself before anything and then you will see the wonderful things life can offer besides the hurt. Good Luck from a friend~

Answer 9

the reason why it still hurts because you did not give y'all a chance. you really didn't want a divorce you were acting off emotions and not your heart. you should have prayed about the situation and GOD would have gave you a answer. you probably was concerned about what other people might say about your situation. i hope you have learned from your mistakes and learn how to deal with your problems as an adult. the only i can tell you is now that y'all are not together and he is going on with his life you should do the same. let it go, get a better relationship with GOD and ever thing will be alright. please don't dwell on the past look forward for the future and have faith. email me if you need more advice [e-mail]

Answer 10

To marry someone, it is easy but to divorce is one difficult thing. This is what we call attachment. When we lost someone or something that we truly cherish, we feel empty. But even if you get back with him, he will most probably do it again and he has already another person he likes. It is completely normal. My mom was like that before even my dad was cheating and beating at her, she believed that he might change someday but he never did. She endured 3 years after my birth and couldn't take it anymore. Now I am 20 and we don't need him back. Just like the dude said above, time will heal. It might not be easy but my mom was like for 2 years after the separation and after that, she realized how stupid she was. In the present days, she hates him with a PURE passion. Just give yourself some time. Give love to your child instead if you have one. Or just look for someone else who deserve you better. You don't have a choice but to move because he doesn't feel anything for you.
good luck

Answer 11

Sometimes in life you have decide if you want to be right, be in the position to say "I told you so" or if you just want to let things heal and move forward. Good marriage takes work and dedication. He wasn't ready for that I think. You made your choice. It seems he did also. I think he will find he won't be happy long-term. Since you have walked from that situation it is time to let go and move on. It is typical during the holidays to long for familiarity, for something with history that connects us together. This moment will pass and you will heal. But remember the next time around, sometimes being "right" is NOT the happiest place to be. I wish you strength for the future.