How important is this?

Question

I am currently engaged to a great guy EXCEPT for one thing that has been causing me to re-think getting married. The plain truth is he's tight with his money. Christmas is just around the corner and he hasn't bought one present for either me, my mother or my son. He's currently unemployed but receiving a paycheck and is making roughly the same as I am (employed). He says Christmas is not about presents and he doesn't have the money but he doesn't buy birthday presents either (he will buy something for himself if he wants it). I've pressed the issue with him and have asked if he is going to buy presents but he keeps telling me will, eventually. I still have his parents to buy for but am unwilling to do so if he doesn't buy for my side. His tightness is not just limited to holidays and birthdays but to who drives, paying household bills, buying food, etc. Am I being too picky???

Answer 1

I would run as quick as I could if I were you.

Answer 2

I agree with him about the buying presents thing. Christmas has become a greedy holiday. Why do so many people get so worked up about buying and getting presents for Christmas? Why can't people just be happy because they get to spend time with family and enjoy the season. Why should you feel obligated to buy someone a gift for Christmas, if you wouldn't buy them something ever if the holiday didn't exist?

It sounds like the two of you have different priorities when it comes to money. You are right to re-think marriage, because even though money isn't the most important thing in a relationship, it suddenly becomes the focus when things aren't as they should be. You either need to accept and respect each others views on money, or you need to dissolve the relationship, because if you can't get the finances worked out, everything else will suffer and the marriage will end anyway.

Answer 3

Are you being too picky ? HELL NO. I mean I love generous men and that's pretty much what I'm used to. This guy isn't just tight he's cheap. I could never imagine marrying a man like that. Remember, you will have to deal with this for the rest of your marriage. Everything will probably be an issue for him. He should want to shower you with things. Probably every time you buy something when your his wife and your money is pooled together he will freak out. Will he help pay for your kids education ?

Answer 4

No, you are not being too "picky". This is exactly the kind of thing you need to access realistically before committing to marriage. Neither your way or his way is necessarily "better", but if you can't accept the fact that he is not willing to spend money on what you deem to be important - it will be the cause of major problems down the road. I think, money is one of the main causes of marital strife, and you're starting off on the wrong foot already. You know he's not going to change. By trying to use ultimatums and punishments, you're not helping your relationship. The way to handle it if you truly want things to work is to identify his "weak points", and take it upon yourself to correct things. He doesn't get presents for anyone? Well, guess what - if you become his wife, it will be up to you to get gifts not only to yours, but to his side of the family, too. You will be looked upon as a "unit", a team - and if you stubbornly refuse to do your part just because you feel he's not doing his, you're going to alienate a lot of people.

Of course, as you pointed out, the issue is not limited just to the gifts. Are you prepared to always have to "provide for yourself"? Normally, once you're a family, you combine your resources, and both people have input in financial decisions. Unless you keep your finances completely and totally separate forever, you are bound to clash in the future when you're spending money on something that is important to you, and he is not understanding it. Money is not everything, of course - but this isn't the question of money per se, it is a question of priorities. Can you two put your differences aside, and value each other's priorities? Can you help each other out, and "fill in" for each other? If he's good at saving, and you're good at spending, and you can come to a balanced agreement regarding when to spend and when to save - sometimes him giving in to your judgement, and sometimes you respecting his point of view - then this relationship can work. But if neither one of you is willing to give the other the benefit of the doubt - how are you expecting it to work in the future? Give it some thought. This holiday season is a good test drive of what things might be like later.

Answer 5

I think he is saving to give you the best that he can and being sensible about it too. people make too much of christmas. They celebrate an event that is suppose to be the birthday of Jesus. They organise big parties and large gifts and go crazy but they dont invite or even consider the one whose birthday we are supposedly celebrating. How would you like to have a birthday party and find you are not invited or even getting a gift! Maybe he is tight fisted but one thing is for sure he will give you the best.
Dont get silly over minor issues. COmmunication is important. Tell him what you like. Remember opposites attract. You might be a spender and he not. It balances out eventually.

Answer 6

Put the wedding on hold! Christmas is a magical time for children and adults. If he doesn't understand that (or have Christmas spirit), your marriage is doomed. It's not about buying presents, but that is part of the tradition. Money is a huge part of marriage (and the #1 reason why couples get divorced).

Answer 7

I think it's important to offer and receive gifts. My husband doesn't like to give and receive gifts as well but through the years I made him realise that it is important to me. I don't think you're being too picky. Could you perhaps share the expense? Or you could buy presents for your family and he could buy for his. This way if he doesn't get anything for his family he'll be the one feeling bad in the end? Don't know. You should consider though how he treats you all year round and not only in this but in every other aspect of your life together. If his tight with his emotions and with his support to you then you must rethink the whole relationship.

Answer 8

Finances are a huge issue for many couples, and I believe this should be discussed and an agreement made PRIOR to marriage. Also, if he's being so cheap with the household expenses, then where is his money going? Is he spending it on other things, or is he saving it? I think first you need to find out the reason(s) behind his money issues, and then you both need to come to a compromise before you discuss marriage.

Answer 9

First of all Christmas is NOT about presents, he is right about that. He is in no way required to buy you or your family presents, though it would be nice. You should not be pressuring him to buy presents and nor should you expect any.

If you are able and want to buy his parents something you should. But then again you aren't required to buy them anything and because you are with their tightwad son they probably don't expect it from you.

Is the money thing important? HELL YES! A huge percentage of marriages end in divorce because of argument over finances. You aren't being too picky, I wouldn't waste my time with a man who nickels and dimes everything and everyone else but pays himself top dollar. That's a man who is looking out for no one but himself and he's obviously has no idea what it means to share a life with someone.

If he can buy crap for himself and can't bring himself to buy even a small gift for you, your Mother or especially your son he's not worth it. Try talking to him about it and working out a compromise, if he's not willing to budge kick him to the curb...he won't be lonely... he'll have his money to keep him warm.

Answer 10

Things won't change after you get married, so if you aren't happy with him don't get married. ALthough, it could be he is so tight with his money now cause he is unemployed, even though he gets a paycheck , its still not the same as if he was employed. Maybe his finances are not as good as you are being led to believe.

Answer 11

As far as the Xmas, and birthday thing, I can kind of understand; hey if you don't have the money, you don't have the money.
But you should be contributing to the household bills. Not a good sight. Being frugal is one thing, but expecting some else to pay is something else entirely.