Please help me understand why I cannot get over my ex-husband ... serious answers only.?

Question

I am a very emotional person ... an educated beautiful person. I cannot seem to get my ex-husand out of my head and my life. As a bit of background, we still talk and spend time together. Our relationship is very passionate and extremely intense. For most of the relationship, I have been seeking his acceptance and understanding of me ... I have had an eating disorder and I am on medication for anxiety. I need someone that at least can understand that life can be difficult for me. We have been in many fights - I cry and he wants to fight- pushing me away. I am doing crazy things to get his attention and I feel as though I am out of control - I cannot get away. The more he pushes me away the more I want to be with him - complettely backwards. I am looking FOR KIND BUT CONSTRUCTIVE WORDS that can help me break this terrible cycle. How do people get strength to leave a destructive relationship? I want self-power! How can I build up my will?

Answer 1

I don't answer in depth many of these -- too taxing, but you deserve some serious comments, sweetie. Hope this helps. Feel free to write.

He probably got tired of your emotional roller coaster ride. Was this the reason for your divorce? You are obviously on medication. (Or if not, from your descriptions, you might consider it.....) In your place, I'd go back to your physician and get on something a bit stronger/different -- tranqs, anti-depressants. In his place, life is toooo short to be involved in fights every time the two of you would meet, intense sex or not. (For guys, sex is always intense, so don't read too much of your own feelings into what you think he is feeling... ) Hassles just get old, no matter why they occur... tears, and emotions over the top are just not what most guys want to deal with. Displaying excessive neediness is nothing most guys want..... When this is all they experience, or at least if it is the greater of what they experience, it simply leaves a bad taste in their mouths.....You at least understand that you have some emotional problems, and your best bet would be to begin there in getting them under control, either with medications/and or counseling. (Any physician worh his salt will work with you to jiggle meds to get you a good result -- finding proper dosages is not easy, always, so hang in there.... Sometimes the meds are a cocktail of several, but it takes perseverance on your part as well as on the part of your doc...) You are admitting that you are doing crazy things -- pretty much guaranteeing that he made the correct choice to leave....crazy actions repel those who are in your company..... Somewhere in here, you will have to accept the fact that he wishes to cut ties with you -- a tough wad to swallow, but alas true. Between meds, and counseling, you have a better chance of getting your head on straight, and getting on with your life..... and, hopefully finding a new partner with your new found contentment. Wish you all the best.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I feel so bad for you. I think many women have been in your shoes before including myself. I have an ex-boyfriend of almost 8 years who I still constantly think about - why? because he left me. Do I want to be with him? Not at all - but the fact that he left me leaves me thinking that I am not good enough for him or anyone else and I am constantly replaying things in my head....like what if I had done this or that....etc Truth is that you just need to spend some time focusing on you and only you. Get healthy - get happy even if that means seeking counseling. A suggestion would be to travel and find a travel group/club of other women. Make some good girlfriends and soon you will find men flocking to you and your new confidence - maybe even your ex (but of course you shouldn't run back to him) Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 4

I've told people on here this many, many times, and I know some of them have taken me up on the idea. You need to read Greg Behrendt's "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a short, sweet book, an easy read. Despite the title, it has just what you are looking for -- kind but constructive words that will build you up, make you feel stronger, show you that you should not "waste the pretty" on someone who is not looking for the same thing from you as you are looking for from them. The book talks about every kind of guy and every kind of scenario, and it is laced with humor. Trust me. Get this book from the library or buy it at the bookstore. After it has helped you, pass it on to a girlfriend who needs the same kind of help (because at some point, we all do!)

Answer 5

The good news is you've got a clear enough mind to know what's happening and to want to escape it.

Lets first take a more in-depth analysis of what's going on here:
-You're trying to fill an emotional void
-You're attracted to his alpha-male behaviour
-Maybe you're hoping to fix him

Before we discuss methods of ending the cycle, I wanted to point out how women that are stuck in this loop often find themselves falling into the same trap with the other men they date, because they havent resolved the internal emotional conflict first. They leave the one abusive lover, only to fall in love with another man of the same character. We need to find a resolution that deals with this.

We are dealing with 2 factors here:
emotions and instincts

Sexual instinct is what leads many women to find Dominant males attractive (just like in the animal kingdom).
There is also a part of our brain that tells us rare things are higher in value. This served us when we were less civilized and food was scarce. This doesnt serve you now bc when he pushes you away, it only makes you want him more... : /

Add to that the emotions youve developed for the passion and that makes it hard to break things off. Recognize that the attraction to him is based on the emotions and instincts of your brain, and not to any value he has. You divorced for a reason right?

1) you need to stop seeing him. As long as you keep spending time together you will only rekindle the feelings of sympathy and the need to 'give him another chance'.

2) you need emotional support. If your family and friends don't fulfill this then seek counseling from a local 'Women's Aid' house. Although it seems you're capable of an independant lifestyle and do not need to check in to a shelter, these places are still helpful for advice and referring you to communities of people whove been through what you have.

It is not enough to pull away from the desire. You need to fill the void with another source. Tony Robbins once explained that with all 'Addictions' (this case being an emotional addiction to the passion) quitting outright doesnt work by itself because your body will seek to fill the emptiness. You need to replace the feeling before you get drawn back into the loop.

3) Find a source of emotional fulfillment. This is besides the support from friends. Start a hobby that you are passionate about, something constructive, that makes your heart melt. Make sure you do this proactively; some women fill the void with destructive things like drinking... we dont want that. You gotta find something to occupy enough of your time and feelings that draws away the desire to rekindle the love/hate relationship that will hurt you in the long run.

4) Train your brain away. Instincts and Emotions can be overridden by Habits and Conditioning. Write down a list of all the reasons why this relationship is doing more harm than good, then read it every day, and also whenever you feel the desire drawing you back to him. Read it out loud. This will get your subconscious in the habit of seeing the harm of this relationship everytime your feelings come up.

Answer 6

I can really relate to you. I am in the same type of relationship and also am very emotional and deal with GAD, general anxiety disorder. I love my husband but he never seems to understand me so for awhile I also played games to try and get his attention, in a way hoping my actions would lead him to read my mind. It never worked, he got angrier and I got worse to. So I started being very clear with him about what I need. I said to him, mike, I am an emotional person. you know this. I cannot help how I feel. Also, my gad is a brain chemistry issue. it's not my fault. If you are supportive and understanding, I will be a happier and this will help our relationship. Since then I have been very clear about what I wanted. I say to him, mike, your tone is making me anxious, or even, I feel scared right now because I don't know what your thinking. He responds to this. Guys do not have female intuition. You have to spell things out for them. But if he is not willing to make the effort you have to leave. The reason you are so obsessed with him is called co-dependency. Look it up. To succesfully break the cycle you must get a support group and break off ALL contact with him. aka, change your number, don't call him, don't sleep with him, don't date him. no games. games never work.

Answer 7

break off any time from him. being educated and beautiful you should have no problem in finding someone else. you know your self that this is not a good relationship for you and you still go back. he is holding you down and you are holding your self down. you will never break out of this cycle if you don't get a grip! stop talking to him, call someone else, you need a new friend. it will only get worse if you keep this up. he must be your ex for a reason! why would you want to put yourself through so much pain, you already deal with enough!

Answer 8

Alley,
First of all I think if he is an ex and there is no hope (in his eyes) of you and him getting back together than for your own well being you need to completely CUT ALL contact with him. Being with him is only adding salt to your wounds even though at the time you are with him I'm sure it feels like maybe your heart will mend, this is not the way. Go out and get Greg Berherdt's book He's Just Not That Into You and read it and reread until it sinks in. I had to reread it and still pick it up and glance thru the pages to get it thru myself. He is a self proclaimed "Player" gone striaght and tell all the secreats that guys don't want us to hear. Your ex I would venture to say knows that you are still madly in love with him and would do anything to get back with him however he is playing with your heart and emotions. For your own good. Walk no RUN away from him and end contact for at least 2 months,.....no calls no emails no texts, no contact period. I wish you all the peace in this world. Good Luck email me if you want to chat more.

Answer 9

You can not put closure on a relationship as long as you in the middle of it! Why is he your ex if you are still so engaged? Also, how can things be so passionate when he is not accepting or understanding of you? I think it would be wise for you to seek out someone to talk to to to address these issues. Some people seek attention from inappropriate people and it doesn't matter if its negative or positive...think about it why do you need his attention whether good or bad? You need to accept yourself before anyone else can, noone else can love you if you don't love yourself!

Answer 10

Listen up. you will destroy yourself for no reason. stop spending time with your ex, cut off all ties immediately, seek professional help with this and all your other issues.
You need time to heal. we have ALL been there, you are not alone in this, but only you can get yourself out, it's like any addiction. He is not the one for you, and you will find someone who loves cares respects and appreciate the amazing woman you are, so stop acting like a spoilt brat, you are too smart for this. really, it's just destructive and dumb, you are making a fool of yourself, do you think you ex respects you for this? For all you know this idiot is laughing about you behind your back with his new girlfriend, men can be like this. So wise up, get professional help, pull yourself together, you CAN DO IT, believe me, you can.
Also, you must have some friends that can take you out and you can find activities that will take your mind off your ex.
Best of luck,
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