My Wife Hates My Mother - What do I do now?

Question

My wife was always polite to her when she came to visit or vice versa. Things have gotten worse since my father died (my wife adored him) a couple years back and I always heard the aftermath of a visiting but protected my mother from it until last year. We went to thanksgiving at my mom's house. I asked my mom two months in advance to clean the house well because my wife is allergic to pets. The house was a mess. My wife endured sneezing, coughing and feeling sick for 5 hrs. and didn't say a word. We had a 5 hr. drive home and fought like banshees.
I confronted my mother to ask for some reason or apology and was met with her taking no responsibility and starting an email flame war with me, my wife and her where some nasty things were said. Christmas came and we bought and shipped everyone gifts. We never got anything in return, not even a thank you. My mom pretends like it didn't happen and turned my family against her. My wife refuses to even talk to her let alone get/receive gifts.

1. My mom is only 53, I hardly call that old.

2. With the gifts, it's not that I expected them or cared about giving to receive...it's the principle that I got nothing and no thank you. That's rude.

3. My wife and her mother do not get along, I realize this plays a role...she does not feel the whole "cause she's my mom/brother/sister/father/etc." thing

4. This is the last straw in a long line of irresponsible things my mother has done when it comes to my wife.

5. We live in MA, my mom lives in NJ...there's not gonna be any meeting of the minds face-to-face style unless I drug one of them. HA.

6. I'm talking about Christmas LAST YEAR..a whole year has gone by with nothing. I have asked my mother and she replies with "I just haven't had any time." Which is bullshit. Who doesn't have 5 minutes to go to the post office and mail something when she says she already bought stuff...a whole year? C'mon.

7. My lived with my 3 siblings at the time...and has a boyfriend. All of them claimed to pitch in and clean but what we walked into was pet hair all over the place, dust and spiderwebs and a cat walking on the counter picking on food. C'mon, that is just careless.

I refuse to apologize to someone who should know better who is in the wrong. We offered to have the dinner take place somewhere else in fear that she would not do a good job cleaning...she said she had it under control and we believed her. We were wrong in that area and now trust is broken.

Answer 1

Your mother owes nothing to your wife and your wife owes nothing to your mother.

Keep them away from each other.Your mom did not give birth to your wife and your wife did not marry your mom. You can still love them both without them loving each other.

Answer 2

Well, obviously mom is distraught over her husband's death - no cleaning, not caring, etc. That's prefectly normal, as annoying as it is to others. She is grieving.

Give her some, but don't go silent. Once every couple of weeks or every month send a card just saying hi.

Then after a while write and say you both want to fix this thing before it gets big. Meet on neutral ground - dinner at a restaurant. Tell her you know she's having it rough, and you want to patch things up.

Then listen lots. Perhaps close with offering to pay for a cleaning team to come in and clean her house if you guys ever visit again - that way you know it will get done and it's not up to her and she might like having it done for her and it's your treat and don't you seem wonderful.

As far as the flame war and all that- words alone on the screen can ALWAYS be misinterpreted. So I'd play all that off as - we all chose a bad way to communicate, so here we are face to face and of course we want things to be better so we're sorry and we apologize and let's put it behind us. But make it clear you are husband and wife and you are a team and you're coming to her as a team and not as just the daughter-in-law. It's the two of you together.

And if she can't give you the apology you want just forget it and move on anyway. Once you've offered an apology there's not much else you can do - either she accepts it and moves forward or she doesn't and you can choose to ignore her for good or just ignore her behavior during this tough time.

Answer 3

All because the house was not clean enough for your wife's allergies?

First of all, your wife should have said something then. You should not have to get between this (even though its your mother).

Don't expect to receive gifts when you give a gift.

Have either of you ever thought that maybe, just maybe your mother is still affected by the death of your father?

When you got mad with a family member, you resolved it, right? No love lost. Well, your wife is now a part of your family and the 3 of you need to get together face to face to face and squash this bickering and so called hatred.

You (being the man) need to make it happen. Sooner than later.

And Christmas ain't even here yet. How do you know yall presents ain't in the mail?

Answer 4

Your mother is law is a real heartache and planting seeds in your wife's head. Your wife needs to tune her out and accept what is. She's knows the situation can't change. If she loves you she'll understand...but she doesn't and is not able to give with Satan in law in the background taunting her. Speak to both of them and be firm. Nobody said they have to like it, but it is what it is and so all should back off because you are the one who is being made miserable here. You could really end this misery quite soon by telling them both that if they didn't like it they didn't have to remain there with you as you cannot change the situation but they can. The choice is theirs...put up or shut up. Personally, I would have loved to have your mom in my home and such a great helpmate when I was married, with child and working full time at an exhausting job. I would have felt cherished. I admire your "old world" choices, we have all lost sight of what a family is in this day and age and it probably has much to do with why lives are all messed up in our country. I wish you well. . Best of Luck.

Answer 5

Hey dude, you make this a very confusing issue when it really is not.

One, love and respect your mother. Do what you want related to visits and gift giving. Leave you wife out of the communication.

If your wife is willing, invite your mother as long as your mom is on your wife's territory. Save your wife the misery of having to endure your mom's messy house.

Other than that, support your wife, you're married to her. She deserves your support and you should be on your wife's side. Be kind and love your mom, but remember, you have to live with your wife. If you let your mom control your actions and your allegiance to your wife, then you'll have a miserable life and a miserable marriage.

Answer 6

Your wife has done nothing wrong. She has always been polite to your mother even though they don't like each other. Your mom seems to have no respect for you or your wife. If I were you, I would support your wife. I would not go to your mom's house anymore, it's not fair (or healthy) for your wife. Your mother is 53 years old, she knows better. She owes you and your wife an apology for being disrespectful and rude.

Answer 7

It seems to me that since your father died your mom feels lonely! Perhaps she was hoping for more help or attention.
I don't say she's right...but she seems to be unhappy! Why don't you start and give her a call? Ask her how she's doing (normal small talk). And speak to your wife also! Tell her that you don't understand your mom either, but that you love her (hey, it's your mom!). And that it's important to you to have at least some kind of relationship to her. Your wife should be that mature to understand you. If not ask her what she would do if it was her mom.
Good luck

Answer 8

Wow.
I'm a mom and I have married children. So.... I speak with some experience in this area.

First and most important you are in the middle. In any battle this is a nasty place to be. This is big, two people you love are involved. Do not make it your job to fix the rift between your mom and your wife. This is not yours to fix. You don't need to defend your mom to your wife and you don't need to defend your wife to your mom. You do need to emphasize with your wife. Let her know that you don't agree with your mom and you don't know why she's doing it. But, make sure to tell your wife that it hurts you deeply that this situation exists. You don't want her hurt and are sorry that it happened. But that you are also hurt. Because in disrespecting your wife, the woman you love, your mom is attacking you. It very well may be that your mom is doing this more to hurt you than your wife. Your mom may be in need of some serious counseling.

As for dealing with your mom, tread carefully. It could be that she wants you to be there for her. Maybe she's lashing out at you through your wife out of a misguided need to be with you. As a mother I need my son to love me unconditionally, just like I love him. This does not mean that being mean or inconsiderate to your wife is okay. It absolutely is not okay. It's abusive to your wife and you. Let your mom know that you still love her and wish things could be better between you. But, let her know that it is important that she also love and respect your wife.

I hope things get better for you. It must be difficult at this time of year. Don't worry about the presents. It's just stuff. What really matters is the lack of acknowledgement of your feelings. That is hurtful and not fair.

Answer 9

I really feel for you as being caught in the middle of this.

My opinion: it was out of line for you and your wife to demand that your mom superclean the house because of your wife's pet allergies. You don't say how old your mom is, but I'm betting that she's old enough that to do cleaning to that extent is a hardship for her physically. I'm 50 and I know that if I had to do the kind of clean-up of my house that would make it acceptable for people who have allergies to animals, I couldn't do it without hiring help or having someone volunteer to help me.

There are plenty of alternatives you and your wife had to spending time in your mother's house. You could have offered to treat everyone to a Thanksgiving buffet in a restaurant or hotel, and could have avoided having to go into her home. That's how I handle holidays with one of my relatives who has animal allergies. I love him dearly but I cannot spend the time and energy it would take to make it possible for him to be comfortable in my house. I just cannot justify that kind of physical effort to allow him to spend a few hours in my home.

Your mom does sound like she's being childish in the aftermath, but it also sounds as if you and your wife were unwilling to cut her any slack on the issue.

I know my viewpoint is going to be an unpopular one, but I think you and your wife owe your mom an apology for inflicting unrealistic expectations on her with regard to the house-cleaning issue. You could have offered her an "out" by meeting with her at a restaurant or some place and kept the peace. I think you need to tell your mom that you should have offered to pay for maid service or other assistance to meet your expectations of cleanliness when you came to visit, and you're sorry that things turned out the way they did.

FWIW, you don't know how long your mom is going to be around. It's an awful thing when a feud splits families apart. Do the right thing, be the bigger person, apologize to your mom and just accept without being judgmental that she will never keep her house clean enough for your wife to spend time there, and meet somewhere else.

Answer 10

Well it sounds like your mom is behaving pretty immature but in her defense if she wants to keep a messy house that's her right. I would keep the communication lines open with your family but just accept that fact that the two most important women in your life do not get along and need some space. Be supportive of both but do not accept any trash talk from either party. It would be selfish of them to expect you to trash talk the other. Time will heal this wound.