Please help me understand why I cannot get over my ex-husband ... serious answers only.?

Question

I am a very emotional person ... an educated beautiful person. I cannot seem to get my ex-husand out of my head and my life. As a bit of background, we still talk and spend time together. Our relationship is very passionate and extremely intense. For most of the relationship, I have been seeking his acceptance and understanding of me ... I have had an eating disorder and I am on medication for anxiety. We have been in many fights - I cry and he wants to fight- pushing me away. I am doing crazy things to get his attention and I feel as though I am out of control - I cannot get away. The more he pushes me away the more I want to be with him - *** backwards - but the truth. Now most of you probably think I am insane at this point, but I am looking FOR KIND BUT CONSTRUCTIVE WORDS that can help me break this terrible cycle. How do people get strength to leave a destructive relationship? I want self-power! How can I build up my will?

Answer 1

You've just won half the battle by recognizing your problem and beginning to seek help for it.

First, you need to get yourself busy with the things you love to do, things you've always wanted to do - getting a higher degree, writing a paper, doing a craft, growing a vegetable garden, whatever. Keeping yourself busy and involved with other things that matter to you is a big first step.

Secondly, you should begin to socialize more with others - friends, family, etc. Venturing the bar scene or going out on dates to the clubs - anything that'll engage you socially with someone other than your ex. Together, you'll be so busy and your thoughts will be more dispersed than fully focusing on "how to win back your ex's attention".

For starters, just go out on a vacation or visit a distant family or relative or a friend. That'll give you some time away from your routine and time to ponder. You need that right now. And this is the best time - the holidays to do just that.

Overall, you need to get out of this rhythm of getting involved with him that's obviously pretty destructive to you. But the bottom line is it's all in your hands. You have to help yourself to get through this situation.

Besides medication - try meditation or yoga. It sure is very helpful to get over such anxieties. You'll feel a lot more in control over your physical and emotional self.

Answer 2

I too was in your same shoes just a little over 3 years ago. I had been married for 15 years and we had 2 kids together. He was all I knew since I was 17 years old. And although the relationship was good the first 10 years, the last 5 years were a living hell. He cheated on me and was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I stayed in those conditions for 5 years until one day I woke up and finally realized that I didn't have to live that way. I deserved respect and honor and if he wasn't going to give it to me, then I needed to cut him loose. The more you stay in a dysfunctional and destructive relationship, the more the other person thinks he's in control. You can't give anyone that much control over your life. You have to decide that you want much more out of life than being stressed out and miserable because you're in a destructive relationship. Think of what this does to your health and even your children (if you have any). I know it hurts to cut the cord, but it hurts more to stay in that relationship. The first step is getting out cold. No more hanging out, no more friendship. It's like a drug, you have to stop cold turkey and not go back to him. Surround yourself with positive people who are going to help you, encourage you and lift you up when you feel you're going to fall. Get a counselor, pastor, therapist, anyone who will help you get through this. Also, find a healthy hobby. Exercising, dancing, knitting, scrapbooking, etc...whatever floats your boat. Anything that will keep you busy enough so that you don't have too much time to miss your ex. Remember, he's your ex for a reason. It will hurt for a while, and you'll cry and feel lonely at times, but life does go on and this is not the end of your life. Keep going and keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. You deserve someone who's going to love you, respect you and honor you. You deserve a healthy and strong relationship.

Feel free to e-mail me if you need help. I know it's tough but with the right amound of support, you'll get through this and you'll see that life can be great again. Hang in there girl.

Answer 3

Counselling.

I understand your needs but it really isn't fair to put them onto him. You don't really know if you love him or not, and you won't, until you straighten your head out. Being in a relationship with you right now would be toxic to him, and I don't mean that to hurt you, just to enlighten you. The reason people in 12 step programs aren't supposed to develop personal relationships for 12 months following sobriety or the end of their successfully completed program, is because they are still too toxic with whatever baggage brought them to the low point in their life. You have an eating disorder, which is just a symptom.

If you can go through therapy and come out the other end, in a sane mind without all the crap that drives your life now, and you still love him...then he may not push you away.

You have to do the work first, to earn the right to your life. Being beautiful or educated has absolutely no bearing on your ability to assess your own situation. It seems to be blocking you from seeing yourself as you really are.

Good luck. You are worth the effort.

Answer 4

Loving you. I know you don't love yourself because you are detructive to you and your body and you let him do it also. You need to find youself and start focusing on you. Relax and stop worry that what causes the anxiety. The eating disorder is from low selfesteem and you thinking that why did God make me this way he made no mistakes he made you wonderfully and beautif don't let you are no on else tell you anything different people that have a great calling from God always get fault the most. Be strong and don't make excuses stand up and be happy and responsibile. This will be difficult but surround your self around positive people and you stay positive. You have to much negativities going on in your brain and around you. Forsake all negativity for your sanity. God bless you call tbn, get in a church group read your bible and pray. Do things that help you relax and are fun.Get a few good friend from yahoo 360 Do you for a while

Answer 5

You really need to separate yourself from him as hard as it may seem. Dont talk to him.. not even on the phone. You need to heal yourself first.. or this terrible cycle will just continue. If you have strong feelings for him and you keep talking to him.. it will never stop. After you give yourself some time to heal by yourself.. it will be easier to decide if you want this friendship. You can be friends with an ex.. but only if there are no emotional ties. So take some time away from him. It will be hard.. but you have to try. Each day it will become easier and easier. You need this for you! This can be an oppurtunity for a small vacation.. or to get closer to your family and friends.

Answer 6

i dont think you are crazy,infact,ive been you with my ex.the heart takes time to heal,and it takes a long time some times.what u need 2 do is just stay away from him for a while.find some hobbie or hang out with your friends.i was pregnet when my ex broke my heart he use to call me when he wanted sex or something and like a fool i did alot of things he wanted just so he would talk to me.not a proud moment for me but i can sooo relate to u.if u feel ur out of controll,plz seek some help,or find a close friend to turn to so when he calls u call your friend to hear some nice things about u.get your selfeteam back,thats y u are obbseceing about this,its not that u cant live with out him its just you wont let ur heart heal and u need 2 do that now.if u ever need to chat hun ill be here 4 u.anytime.like i said ive been in ur shoes and i will try to help u the best i can im me any time.

Answer 7

It's natural for people to crave things that they feel are essential to their happiness, even if they are destructive. An alcoholic craves their next drink, gambling addicts will pawn everything they own just to chase their dream of winning big, and love-aholics will pursue doomed relationships even if it is destructive to both persons. Love is a physiological reaction...your body literally craves the hormones released by being "in love". It sounds like you may have some other challenges as well, with your anxiety and eating disorder. When you combine those problems with a toxic relationship, it is bad news for everyone involved.

With respect to "breaking your cycle", you are the only person who can do that. By your own admission, you are attracted by his rejection. Your passionate nature, and the intensity of the relationship make letting go all the more difficult.

Relationships are a bit like stars. Small stars burn for hundreds of billions of years, but never make very much heat or light. Giant stars burn in passionate glory for a few hundred million years. Stars like our sun take the middle path; they produce a good amount of light and heat and burn for 10-15 billion years. Relationships that burn with the fury of a million stars tend to end tragically. Some relationships are basically friendships that never burn very brightly but last forever. The best kind of relationships are those that shine brightly enough to warm both of your souls, but not so hot as to burn you up. The "Goldilocks" relationship is the one that endures, not too hot and not too cold.

A quieter but dedicated relationship will help to stabilize your life and better allow you to stabilize your other challenges in life. I sincerely hope you are able to center yourself and keep your balance in life. True happiness begins from within and expands outwards to others.

Some people are never able to contain their "passion" - and they are continuously drawn to emotional drama and reckless abandon - like a moth to a flame. Having personally been in a relationship with a person who was similar to how you describe yourself, I can sympathize with your plight. Just remind yourself when you get those cravings that you are in charge of your destiny and not your hormones. The only thing worse than leaving this person you're in love with is to remain with them. You will only succeed in poisoning each other.

I hope you find the happiness you seek. I have found that true happiness usually lies in the place where you least expect to find it.

Answer 8

Right there when you said you want self-power. Your not going to get it. You know why? You need help. Only God can give you that. You looking all over the place for help and self. You need to realize the problem is much greater then you. Everything takes time and do time God will help you. Your counselor is God. Every time you need to talk and pure your heart speak to God. Let him in. And also you can start reading books a good one for you would be ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives and the abdication of character, courage, and conscience by Dr. Laura C, Schlessinger there easy reading. She has all kinds of books I believe you need it too.

Answer 9

Girl i understand what your going through...I'm also having the hardest time ever getting over him..We been separated for over 2 years and he also has a new gf and still i can't get over him...Sometimes i go weeks and i can't stop thinking about him and still to this day i cry for him and miss him very much ..But he wasn't a great husband that's why now he's an EX ...And that is what i have to remind myself every time i think about him...I try to remember why we aren't together any more and how sad he mad me when we were married ... He was always cheating on me and calling me names..Then i realize that i am better off without him. Good Luck and remember it will take time for you to get over him

Answer 10

You need some therapy...not only for the marital issues, but also for your eating disorder and anxiety....those things are all 'symptoms' of a bigger problem. They won't go away until you have an intimate understanding of the underlying problem.

Good luck to you