7 years & 2 kids later I am seeing how unhealthy this realationship has turned. So many reasons to leave only a few reasons to stay. He turns me into the bad guy constantly, tells me I can't stick to a decision including our marriage. And then there I am concerning myself with why he feels that way. I am always thinking of him & can never get him to listen or care about how I feel, and if he pretends to listen or care he won't act on it, or even remember some time later. I'm still stuck with the guilt he makes me feel though, tells me how selfish I'm being. My 4 yr old little girl is so excited about santa & christmas. & I am so sad because I want a better life for them, I want a husband that wants to do things with them & enjoys the time. Instead he is unhappy & grumpy & doesn't even seem to want them around him. We are sleeping in our livingroom for almost 2 years now because that's how long he's been working on building us a bedroom. My house is filled with holes, spiders
2006-12-19 03:41:49 · 20 answers · asked by North of Heaven 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
bugs & mice. & he tells me nothing is good enough for me & I'm being selfish.
Pls someone tell me I'm not being selfish.
2006-12-19 03:42:47 · update #1
Sounds like things have got pretty rough. Could he be depressed? The fact that he is grumpy and unhappy, and doesn't want to be with the kids, and wont listen to your feelings, and hasn't finished work on the house sounds a bit like depression to me. If he is depressed, then this is not your fault, and he needs help. Men often wont admit that things are going wrong, because it is a sign of weakness.
Show you still care about him, however hard that sounds. You aren't being selfish, because you have needs too, and those needs are clearly not being met here, but obviously somehow neither are his. Something has come between you in this marriage, and you both need to sit down and figure out what this is. He could need counselling just for him, or maybe for both of you as a couple.
Marriages can very quickly go off track when one person is clinically depressed, especially when that hasn't been officially acknowledged or recognized. Don't give up just yet until you have worked out what the real problem is. After all, he can't have been like this when you married him. Something has changed, but that doesn't mean it can't be put right.
2006-12-19 03:50:45 · answer #1 · answered by helly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to take the initiative and leave. Or at least give him a good scare. Go and get papers for divorce, even if you're not really going to leave. Sometimes a good scare works. If not, then really go through with it. You deserve to be happy in life, and yes, think of yourself. When someone is putting all the blame on you and can't blame theirself for anything , then you know there is something wrong. He seems to be a procrastinator, and so that's why your house isn't getting finished. Just let him know you mean business whichever approach you are taking. you haven't left yet or made any serious moves, so he thinks you never will. Also, obviously if he isn't being a good dad, and you being unhappy can lead you to be an unhappy mom. And no matter how much you hide it, your kids can still see it. Your kids deserve to be happy, and having at least one good, happy parent can make a difference. Don't let this guy hold you back. Do what is right, and make yourself happy. He is the one only thinking of himself. Now you be selfish for once. You deserve it . Good luck hun :-)
2006-12-19 03:49:45 · answer #2 · answered by It's a secret... 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you have family or good friends you can stay with? You need to leave now. This man is letting you and your kids live with mice etc... and it's been 2yrs now he showing you he don't give a fu** and he's being very lazy about it. You need to tell him today, but before you do make sure you have a place to go have all that set up and have your and the kids staff packed up in already in the car ready to go. And you tell him you will be back when the room is done and this house is back in order. Tell him you can't live like this any more. And if you love him tell him you do. And let him know that it has nothing to do with the way you feel for him it's want he's not doing. And before you do all that run to the book store in buy him 2 books ten stupid things couples do to mess up their relationships and stupid things parents do to mess up their kids and I think you also should read about the kids. It's not say were bad parents it's talking about the things we forget or don't do, you will like it. And before you walk out be sure to put those books on the coffee table or kitchen table just make sure there in a place were he can see them. and you buy for you the proper care of feeding of husbands you read that while your gone. You really need to put back your marriage. There all written by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger and she has a talk radio show about family on 640am 12noon-3pm Mon-Fri Southern CA time.
2006-12-19 04:07:35 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is completely ridiculous. There is no reason to stay with this guy. I was in the same position. My ex was the same. He always made me out to be the bad guy. He was never around and never listened or remembered anything I would talk to him about. It was so hard to leave him, I was so depressed because I thought I had messed things up for our daughter. But I am so much happier. I don't care what he thinks anymore, he can try to make me feel bad but it doesn't work anymore. I know who the selfish one is and I know that I did the best thing for my daughter and I. You know what is right. You deserve better, it'll be hard, but you need to be happy to be a good mother and a good person.
2006-12-19 04:12:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well 7 years is a long time to be in a relationship....but if you have honestly tried to talk to him and get him to understand where your coming from and if you really do think leaving him is best for you than maybe thats the way to go ........But make sure you have considered everything first and that you do have a plan ...as to how to support your kids < bc like i said 7 years is alot and well it may be hard to just pick up and do it all yourself with out that oher person with you> BUt anyhow..... if you really are sure that you dont want to be with him anymore then thats it .....whether he thinks its wrong or not your the only one who can honestly say whether its the right thing or not.....and what Im wondering if he is telling you your dicision to leave is wrong ...what is he doing to prove that it is?
so if you really are ready to change things and maybe leave thenit would probably to be best to sit him down and let him know you have made a dicision and you havent left any openings for opinions and your done trying to make osmething work that just isnt ...... let him talk but make sure he knows nothing he can say will effect your dicision......
and if you really arent sure whether to leave or not and perhaps thats the reason for the post maybe see if he might be interested in couples theraphy this way you two will be getting help and at the same time he will have that chance to prove to you that it is worth it to him and that he does want to try and or does care about what your feeling.
Good luck
2006-12-19 03:57:20 · answer #5 · answered by shy_chick4you 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are absolutely NOT being selfish. How can you consider it selfish when you should always want the best for you and your children and it sounds to me like this guy is by no means "the best". I am not saying that you should jump right into a divorce but maybe its time to lay down some ultimatums. Say "Fix my house, Treat me and our kids right, and show me some respect, or we're outta here period." If he loves you and wants to make it work with you, he'll clean up his act, if he doesn't clean up his act, then hes not worth your time anyway. I know you love him, but you have to think of whats best for you and your kids. You gotta love yourself enough to make a hard decision to better your life, and stop putting the ones who make your life worse first. Good luck, Happy Holidays.
2006-12-19 03:51:43 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your absolutely not being selfish!
There is definitely a problem, you are carrying a lot of animosity for your husband, your situation, for unfulfilled expectations.
Both of you need more help than we can offer here.
If he won't agree to seeing a counselor, you go.
I won't advocate leaving. There was something that you loved 7 years ago and it probably still there. At the same time, he didn't turn into what he is today overnight. He was probably like he is from the start.
2006-12-19 03:56:47 · answer #7 · answered by deepndswamps 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not being selfish. All you want to do is better your life along with your kids life. My mom was so happy after leaving my dad when i was8 and things were a lot better when he wasn't around as much. I use to see how sad my mom use to be with my dad and i didn't like it... Look < he is probably giving you that guilt trip because he is afraid of being a lone and no one is going to put up with his crap as much as you have. So don't feel bad, if you think its going to make you feel like a better person without him I say just leave him!!!!
2006-12-19 03:49:41 · answer #8 · answered by ivonne 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move on sweetie, life is hard enough without your relationship being even more of a burden. Your relationship should be the joy of your life and if it is not and you cannot see, away to get it back to a loving caring relationship that you want to be in then you have no choice but to leave and start over. No saying it is easy but it can be done.
2006-12-19 03:56:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in an abusive relationship and you alone are responsible for letting him take advantage of you. The only solution you have now is take charge of your own life and do what is best for you and your kids. If you let him, he will simply get worse in the future. There are millions of single women out there and if they can make it, you can too. Reach out to friends and family members for support so that you can transition to a new life.
2006-12-19 03:48:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋