How do I solve this? I never cheated, but he's obsessed with it!?

Question

Followed on my from last post, re: he doens't feel the same around me anymore. He thinks I've cheated, and we're close to breaking up over it. I have stressed over and over that I haven't! See post yesterday! Help!

Email from my man

"I have always been so sure of myself, after my X I never let a girl come close to me. I thought I was a genuine wide boy, no one knew anything about me. I would turn up with different girls all the time down the pub and no one knew them or had ever seem them before. I loved that. Had no respect for them and didn't care about them. I knew what I wanted, got it, then just move on.

When I met you I fell in love, everything you did mattered to me, I cared about you, constantly thought about you and was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you. I was willing to give up everything for you. When I started thinking you MIGHT be cheating on me all that confidence went, I thought I was being played and I was determined to find the truth."

His X was very calculating and cheated on him. They ended up staying together for anothe year and trying to hurt the other more.

They were young, but the whole thing sounds pretty twisted.

I didn't do the dirty, just to set the record straight.

People have been meddling, but they are actually my old housemates. Nothing major, but little comments they made simply as jokes have now been stored and used as "proof"

Answer 1

If you feel like he's worth the effort...ask him if he's just looking for a way out. Then, if he's not, assure him that you are not ever going to live up to the "I was willing to give up everything for you." standard. No one can, and you should let him know that you don't expect it.

Every relationship must be built on trust if it is going to make it. It sounds like he's more afraid of the committment level that a real relationship requires as opposed to not trusting you. He himself said that he was a user of women. So, he has a skewed view of women. He sees them as untrustworthy and/or weak, why else would they allow him to do as he liked with them?

The only thing that you should do at this point is assure him that you are not "cheating" on him. After that, it's all on him. He's the one who's going off the deep end with just the suspicion of infidelity. This may be an indication of what life would be like with this man if you would go out of your way to assure him that you aren't and basically be put on a leash so that his fears would be calmed. This is a good gateway into an emotionally abusive relationship.

Answer 2

Take duty on your guy or woman existence, and make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. they might have the potential to permit you already know what your possibly effect may be - which possibly may be precisely the comparable despite if or no longer your husband cheated on you. at the same time as we'd all opt to think of that should 'get you greater', surely that maximum divorce regulations have been modernized to nicely known divorce finally as a company deal. you in basic terms divide up despite assets you have as equitably as available, and make useful the infants are taken care and function a place to stay. it quite is greater suitable to understand the place you stand, despite if or no longer you document for divorce, and you may or won't be shocked at what you come across out throughout that assembly. yet surely, you reside in a depressing undertaking and it quite is not honest to every person interior the family members - and for every person who targets that any of this may be a revelation to the infants, forget approximately it. childrens consistently understand in the past the mother and father do this something isn't right. it quite is time so which you would be able to act like a grownup, and face the reality that your existence needs to alter. do no longer hardship whining approximately this to a decide - judges spend all day listening to this rubbish. manage him quite and do exactly what ought to be performed. you will never be parting with him thoroughly - you will consistently be mother and father at the same time, it relatively is far greater binding than any marriage.

Answer 3

Ok so he's obviously been hurt in the past. Did his ex cheat on him? The other reason he thinks you're going to the dirty on him is because of the way he used to treat women before he met you. He knows what he used to be like & therefore thinks what is stopping you from foing exactly the same. He has built up barriers due to his past hurt but has obvioulsy really fallen for you & his barriers have come down & he feels vulnerable & exposed & now that he has found you & everything good in his life, he can't help himself from thinking that everything is going to go seriously wrong. You need to to tell him that these are his insecurities & not yours & that you have not cheated on him & he should trust you. Suggest some counselling but tell him unless he gets his insecurities sorted then it will cause the very thing that he does not want & that is losing you. Good luck !

Answer 4

The e.mail is contridictory.............confident but never let a girl come close? That surely does not demonstrate confidence, but the opposite . Had no respect for them and didn't care about them. I knew what I wanted, got it, then just move on. Which is fairly typical of a male sowing wild oats.........can get sex, will have sex.
Willing to give up everything for you? Oh, I guess that meant randon sex with randon 'disposable' girls.
"When I started thinking you MIGHT be cheating on me all that confidence went, I thought I was being played and I was determined to find the truth."
Translated roughly as............never had much confidence, know what I did so you must have done the same...............therefore 'guilty' as charged and as he is 'determined' to find the truth he'll find the truth he wants to belief..........be if fact or fantasy.

Answer 5

Has anything happened to make his confidence drop other than the ex???
Unfortunately as your obviously someone he loves very very much he is afraid you will hurt him,
you both seem like a lovely couple from your and his email and most importantly have a very communicative life together.
Tell him you respect him too much for that, ask does he think you would intentionally hurt him!!

huni i know ive probably not been much help but i really hope all is ok with you guys

hope you have a great christmas
best of luck sweetie

Answer 6

It's been my experience that when one partner constantly accuses the other of cheating - especially when there's no proof or reason for the accusations - it's because THEY are cheating or exploring options outside the relationship. They're nervous about what they're doing, so they project it onto you instead, to take the attention off themselves. I've been though this situation, too, and it's awful. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do about it, and you need to ask yourself if this is how you want your relationship with this person to be. This person you're with sounds insecure, obsessive, and "flighty" - not exactly the type of person you can plan a stable future with. I'm sorry.

Answer 7

It's rough when you've played other people for so long and then after you'e seen the light and got your life straightened out, you obsess over whether your mate has cheated in the past like you did. The thing you have to remember is: The past is gone. It cannot be undone. It cannot be changed. It's over!!! All you can do is live in the NOW and plan for a good future. If you can't get over wondering if your mate is cheating, you will lose her FOR NO GOOD REASON!! The decision is yours. Trust her and have a great life together. Don't trust her and be alone!!

Answer 8

Oh frost!!! You poor thing - what should be the happiest time of your newly married life is turning out to be a disaster.
Why dont you just email him back. Tell him that you would not be capable of cheating because you love him so much and that there are a lot of meddling intefering people out there that are obviously jealous of what you two have and therefore are trying to ruin it.
he sounds like he needs help being honest. You cant keep fighting to declare your innocence - either he believes you or he doesnt - if he refuses to believe you then you're going to have to leave - this man will wreck your head and your life otherwise. xx

Answer 9

time to bail kid. nothing you do or don't do is going to fix him. his ex really did a number on him and he simply isn't ready to be in a real relationship.

being in a real relationship requires a baseline ability to trust another person. for whatever reason, whether it was his ex, or his parents, or just the fact that he is a freaking moron, he does not have this ability at the moment.

the questions you have to ask is 1. is this a temporary thing that he will get past (and if so are you willing to wait around while he does). 2. will this be a recurrent issue in which he periodically goes through this phase where it is very difficult for him to trust and his jealousy runs rampant? 3 are you willing to endure this every 3 months, every six months, or every year?

i'd suggest moving on, it's just not worth the heart ache. it's likely that his craziness is not going to go away any time soon and that without a major change in his thought patterns this issue is only going to get worse.

Answer 10

Ok I take back what I said about him after your last question. he's obviously really into you, and obviously quite convinced that you may have done the dirty on him. you need to find out why he is so convinced (someone may be lying to him to split you two up) and convince him that you haven't (if you definitely haven't) if he stays unconvinced let him know that you have done all you can and the problem is with him and that he has no right to keep blaming you for something you haven't done. If you did do the dirty, be honest, he may have proof and your continued denial will make it impossible for him to trust you. I am not accusing you but just in case.