Christmas Ex husband Dilemma?

Question

My family is going out of town the day after Christmas on a 12 hour drive.. therefore we had hoped to leave at 4am. Well my son was to visit his father on Christmas day around 2pm.. So I asked him to have my son home on Christmas night so we could leave. I have even offered to let him have him at 11:00 am instead of 2. He has said no. He is willing to bring him home at 8am but not the same night. My new husband says he doesn't want to leave any later than 5am... I am so stuck in the middle. I can't let my ex have him Christmas eve as my entire family is coming into town that night to see my son and I. What can I say to my ex to convince him to let me have my son that night? I am so stuck in the middle and just don't know what to do. I can't make everyone happy. Who should I expect to give in here or should it be me? I just don't think all this shuffling areound so early in the morning is fair to my son. My ex knew about this and is now making things very hard.

Thank you all. and for those of you saying I had a part in our marriage failing- no I didn't he's a state trooper who chose to sleep around with other female officers on the late shift while I stayed at home with our newborn. He then chose to leave us on Christmas eve for this new woman cop to which he married as soon as the papers were signed. It's been a hard 4 years of divorce but I have always put my son's best intrest fisrt, which I can not say he has done. I will probably give in an leave later in the morning. It's really only fair to all parties and my ex is entitled to spend that time with him. I give in a lot to my ex's request when it comes to our child- I had just hoped he would do that same for me this once. Thanks again for the comments. MerRy Christmas to everyone.

Issue Resolved.. I always put my son's best intrest first. ALWAYS. My ex and I were able to work things out like adults. Thank you all for the input both good and bad.

Answer 1

It's a very simple question - and it requires a simple answer. Inconvenience for divorced parents is part of the package - depriving a child of required (and promised) visitation is not. I see both sides of the issue, but when it comes to puting the child in the middle (being forced to sacrifice when he has no control over the situation) the child should always come first. The Dad, no matter what he did or how much you dislike him, is apparently supposed to have his son from 2 pm Christmas day until a certain time the day after. Sorry if that inconveniences you, but your trip is insignificant compared to the time your son needs to spend with his Dad. I imagine that the Dad will be having his "Christmas Day" the day after Christmas since that's when his son will be there... I am sure you are not going to deprive your son of the joys of opening his presents Christmas morning, yet you want to do just that to him concerning the ex. You knew when visitation was, and you should have planned for it, not expected the ex to modify visitation to accomodate your schedule at the last minute. Your son is not a ping pong ball - your trip can be delayed. We as parents often confuse inconvenience with rights. In this case, your son has all the rights to be with both you and his father during Christmas as planned, and neither you nor your ex have the right to deprive him of it due to bad planning. Leave later.

Answer 2

So the father gets 2 pm Christmas day and then returns his child to you that night so you can drive 12 hours the next day. Do you think that maybe you are being unrealistic with the allotment of time? Can't give him Christmas Eve due to your family visiting you then you no sooner drop your son off to his FATHER for a few hours so your new husband and you can travel. I am assuming to visit his family?

Maybe you should flip the tables around and if you were in your ex-husband place would you feel this was fair and reasonable? I don't think so. If you made these plans in advance then you should have considered that a few hours would not be in the best interest of your son to spend only a few hours Christmas afternoon with your son's other half of his family. Because it is not only the father it is his extended family that would also want to see him too just like your family wants Christmas Eve.

I am also assuming that since your son will have the winter vacation that week that you are going to be away. Maybe you should consider that your son will not have any real time with his father during this vacation which makes your request even more unrealistic.

I don't blame your ex husband but I would suggest that next time you plan your time with your ex so that you can get equal time during the holidays. Maybe a parent coordinator to setup a planned schedule that both of you can enjoy time with kids.

Now saying all that, I would take the position of dropping the rope so that the child doesn’t feel pulled between you and your ex-husband. But that is just me. Given your write up I think that you did this due to either control issues or selfish ones.

Answer 3

Seems like this is mostly about conveniencing you and you new husband.

Just because he knew about it doesn't mean giving up an evening with his son is the right thing to do.

Your current husband knew that you had a child and he would be spending Christmas with his father,

Expecting your son's father to bring the child back early or at 5AM is unreasonable on your part. Dad probably gets very little time with his son, and giving him three extra hours (11am pickup instead of 2pm) isn't really offering him much at all.

Stop trying to convince your ex, and work on the real problem, you and your husband both having what appear to be very unrealistic expectations.

I too think I see why you are divorced from him, but from what I've read here, I don't think your ex-husband was the sole source of any problems. You too contributed to the break-up of your marriage as evidenced by your views posed in this question.

Answer 4

Well... sounds to me like the men in your life are making this difficult. Having an ex to deal with myself, Christmas is always a shuffle. If your son is going to see his dad on Christmas and dad is willing to bring him home that next morning, I would ask the new hubby if you can't just leave at 8? Would depend on why I suppose. And if neither guy will 'give in' then just pick up your son in the morning at 4 and go. He will probably just sleep in the car anyways and a long road trip that is a good idea.

I think the bigger picture here is that the two men are having it out, but using the son/Christmas issue to do it with. It's like a 'who's more important' thing. After 5 years of being remarried, I still get the battle of the two from time to time.

Answer 5

What does your decree say? If you two can't come to a decision on your own, you need go by that. You can't make your ex bring him home Christmas night unless it's in the decree, so he's kind of doing you a favor too it sounds, just not a big enough favor to please your new husband.

I think you're gonna have to tell your new hubby that you guys can be packed and ready to go at 8am when your son gets home and if your husband is not okay with that then tell him to go ahead and leave at 4 and you and son will miss the trip because you certainly are not going without your son.

You should expect your new husband to give in on this one and tell him to understand that reason your ex is your ex is because of situations like this. I say that because realistically, you can't expect your ex to give in. So you and your new hubby have to be the bigger people this time. Tell your ex that next year you will go by the decree so you won't have this problem any more since he can't put your son's needs above his own.

You are certainly in a tight spot--the Holidays are hard enough without all of this added stress......good luck to you.

Answer 6

Glad you worked it out. The most important thing is that your son does not start to see chrismas as a time of fighting. Good job. Do whatever is right for your child your family will have to understand that the children come first.

Answer 7

First of all, being in the same situation there isn't a whole lot you can do. But first, you need to look at the court orders you received after you guys split, there is always a standard order of possession for holidays, and technically he could keep him till the day after Christmas till noon if it works the same as Texas's standard possession order.

Answer 8

Even though your ex is just being difficult,if the agreement is 8am then you will just have to be a couple of hours late. Sorry...maybe he will come to his senses.

Answer 9

I see why he's your ex; he's a jerk.
How old is your son? If he is old enough say like 12, then ask him what he wants to do.

Answer 10

You should be the peace maker darling ... he has no compunction to help you out at all ... I dont believe his actions are correct, but it is his choice, fully. Welcome to the world of divorce... get use to it ...

Sorry ...