Dealing with someone who thinks they are a better parent than you . . .?

Question

Unfortunately this person is kind of part of my family which makes the situation harder. We both had a baby two weeks apart (my second, her first) and she and other persons in my family act like she is doing the mom thing better than me. For example, she doesn't work, breastfeeds, uses cloth diapers, plans to use organic food, spends 24/7 with the baby - blah, blah, blah. As for me, I work out of my home (while baby sleeps), bottlefeed, use disposible diapers, and from time to time venture out (and leave baby with daddy). I don't think I am a bad person what so ever, but I get all this constant comparison to her - not just from her (when we talk) but from family members and annoying questions - like why can't I do that too. I have to work, my husband works, I have a 12 year old to raise in addition to the baby. Plus everyone bends over backwards to help her (clean house, make dinner, do laundry) while my husband and I do it all ourselves with no help from anyone. Any advice?

Answer 1

Just ignore them. You know you're a good parent and that's all that matters. When they make their remarks, I would say something like "If I had more money, or HELP from my relatives, maybe I'd have the time to breastfeed and clean cloth diapers...oh and then there's my 12 yr. old I have to take care of!" It may sound mean, but it might get them off your back.

Answer 2

Try to ignore it. I know it will be hard. A lot of moms think they are the best moms and there way is the right way. You do what you have to do to get by! I leave my baby with the dad while I go to work, I bottle feed and use disposable diapers too. There is nothing wrong with that, its just the way it has to be as we are working class moms! In the future you will have raised a better kid! Think of it that way! Don't sweat the small stuff! We will see in the future who's kid has more problems at school or whatever!

Answer 3

How about treasuring your sanity and independence? It's easy to get addicted to a baby, but she could very easily lose her identity in the process. You sound like you're taking a healthy, sane approach, and setting a good example for your child.

Sometimes the things that sound good aren't necessarily the best thing for the child.

As to the chatter of the others... well, if they ask why can't you do that too, point out that you are doing things your way, doing what you think is best for your family, and that you will not discuss the topic with them again if they can't be supportive. That may shock them a little - they probaby don't realize how rude they're being.

Answer 4

I know how you feel. Unfortunately, it's my mother-in-law telling me what a better job she did with my husband.

I'm like your family member--to an extent. I'm a SAHM. In no way do I think I'm better then working mothers. I have a lot of respect for them as a matter of fact! Apparently, I'm not doing enough for myself! I'm not independent and I should rely on my husband.

It goes both ways. I'm sure just as people criticize you--they do the same to her. It's so sad that all mothers cannot accept our differences and unite with the notion that all of us are trying our best to provide for ourselves.

If I were you, I'd just ignore it. Don't talk about parenting with these people. If they ask tell them but no more. I've stopped talking to my MIL about what's going on with her own grandson because I'm so sick of the comparison between what she did opposed to what I did. I don't really like talking to her about it anymore. It's just not fun when you are constantly compared.

Another family member of mine is constantly comparing me to her friend. She does not have children but watches this friend more often then me. She was offering advice that she had no clue about. She's been a great friend since middle school---I finally gathered the nerve to tell her; "Look, I know your other friend did it like that but this is my family. I'm trying my best and doing what I feel is best by my family. I don't mean to be rude but I'm already blown over with the parenting advice from family that I'd appreciate having a break." We actually laughed it off. You'll know who you can say this to and who not to say it to. Just make people aware that your feelings are being hurt and you don't like the comparison. Best of Luck. Just remember this is something you'll live with up until your children move out.

Answer 5

We all make decisions that we think are best for our children but that doesn't mean we are better than anyone else. Are you sure that she is making you feel like she is the better parent, or are you just feeling that way because she is open about her choices?

It's no secret that breastfeeding is the best food for babies but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or bad about you if you bottle feed. There are plenty of mom's who can't breastfeed and they shouldn't feel bad.

Same with organic food....no one should feel bad if they use organic food or not. It's a personal choice.

What I've notices as a breastfeeding, organic (but disposable diaper using :) ) parent is that people seem to think that just because I do these things, I think I'm better than them. It's just not true.

Just because someone says "I breastfeed" or "I feed my baby organic" food doesn't mean they are saying "i'm better than you". I just think a lot of people internalize things they shouldn't. Shrug.

First, find out whether she is really saying she is better than you...if she hasn't then I would just let it go. If she's come out and criticized your choices, then you have every right to have a conversation with her about her behavior.

Don't defend yourself because you don't need to. Just say to her "your statements about my parenting choices are out of line and I won't be able to spend time with you if you keep putting me down"

Good luck!

Answer 6

How annoying! And shame on them. I am a first time Mom to a beautiful baby girl who is 14 months. This is what I have discovered. You need to do what works for your family unit, you are Mom, wife and woman and you know what is best for your circumstances. NOBODY lives in your shoes but you. As for advice, which is mostly unsolicted, listen to it, think about it and figure out if it works for you and your family unit. Honestly I am glad that this other Mother that you mention is in a position to do all these things, it works for her and her family unit but it certainly does NOT make her a better Mother than you.

Answer 7

In this day and age everybody should realize that different parenting styles do not warrant a comparison on whos is better or worse. I am sorry that you are dealing with this, What I tell people who insinuate that my parenting style is somehow wrong or "bad" is laugh at them and say,

"boy if everyone in the world was the same wouldn't we all be monotonous and boring?"

Then I move onto another subject and let them have their thoughts. If you are confident in what you are doing then don;t let others bring you down with their judgmental crap. Congratulate this women on her baby and be the bigger person in the situation, her parenting style is just as good as yours, not better.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like you are a good parent and you are living a balanced life. Someone that devotes every second of time and scrap of energy to their child isn't a good parent- she's a martyr. Don't let it bother you with the comparisons. Just be confident that you and your husband are doing a good job and have a happy, healthy family. When they ask you why you don't do the things she does, don't bother justifying your choices to them. Say "I'm so glad that's working out for her" and change the subject. Eventually they'll get tired of getting the same answer and will stop asking.

Answer 9

My advice to you is **** them, not litterally and you do not need to do anything. Feel proud you dont need their help. and their is nothing wrong with you working while your child is asleep or even while awake you are a multitasker and a way better mom than this other chick, because you can do it without your familys help she cant. just remember that. and their is no mom that is better than any other. as long as you do not ignore or harm your child that constitutes as a good mom. so While you may be thinking that they dont think you are a good mom know in your heart that you are. and just dont worry about what they think for the only opinion that should matter to you are your childrens!!!

Answer 10

It sounds like you are doing just fine! You deserve some time away from the baby, let your husband (or partner) take care of the baby sometimes, after all it is BOTH of your creation... Forget what these people have to say, and tell them " I think we are doing just fine " or something along those lines.. It will make them shut up really fast... Good luck, and just ignore them...