What can I do to help my 12year old son except my husband?

Question

I need advice.....My husband and I were married 2 years ago while we were dating ever thing was fine between my son and my husband but lately their is a strain in their relationship. When my husband ask my son to do something my son gets this whole attitude problem and then there is a hugh fight, my husband grounds my son and I am stuck in the middle. It has pretty much alway been my son and I. When I was dating I would never bring anyone into our little world I never thought anyone was good enough to meet my son plus I didn't want my son getting attached to someone and then going through the break up with me. Now that I have married I think my son may feel left out? I still do special things with my son on a one to one bases several times a week but he will not open up and let my husband in. My husband does alot for him and he also tries to do one on one time with him but my son will not budge. I feel so torn between the both of them. Do you have any suggestions?

My son does not know his real father so he has never really had a father.

Answer 1

Tough love -

Yes, you are torn between the two. But you need not to worry about making a decision. Your son needs for you to be consistent at all times including being hard on him.

First of all, you can't force a relationship between your son and your new husband. Infact, your son don't even have to like your husband. You picked that man to be in your life so that is your life with him. All your son should be required to do is be respectful to all adults - period!

No matter what your husband does for your son - You can't buy his love. You can't make him smile and be happy. You can't make him not feel upset. You can't make him want to be affectionate tonward your new husband.

You should keep your love going with your new husband without feeling guilty. And you should keep your relationship with your son as you have. But trying to force the two to come together and be one big happy family will have to happen on it's on.

Let your husband know not to take your son's actions personally, after all, he's not the father and your son has a right to be upset. This is common amongst kids from a broken family.

Just teach your son how to respect adults even if he doesn't like them.

Answer 2

It sounds like you have taken absolutely the right approach with your son, waiting until you met just the right man before involving him in your relationships.

Your son doesn't feel left out, he feels jealous. It wouldn't matter how much time you spent with him, he's jealous of every second this man takes your attention away from him. And he also can't accept that any man is good enough to take his dad's place - no matter how much of a jerk his real dad may have been. Every time your husband tries to discipline him, he immediately thinks "you're not my real dad, how dare you!" And of course, he has a point - it would be better if he backed off on trying to be dad for now, and leave the discipline to you.

At the moment, your son is doing the equivalent of a three-year-old when you won't give him an ice cream - he's throwing a tantrum and screaming "I want!" to make you feel guilty, so he can get his way. Don't give in, or he will keep on pushing you to give more and more, until your husband is the one who will feel neglected.

You are a good mother and you are doing a good job of looking after your son. He has to learn that he has to share.

I think professional family counselling might be the best idea - don't send your son on his own, as he'll resent that and probably won't go. Try to find someone who will see you all as a family.

Answer 3

Sounds like your son is not willing to accept him as his "father", and he shouldn't have to just because you accept a new man as your husband. You should try and take more control of the situautions, and let your son know what is going on. Talk with him, be his friend. If he really doesn't like this guy telling him what to do, then pushing him to do what he's told by his step-dad will only make matters worse. Remind your hubby that your son is your responsibility as far as discipline goes. I am speaking from experience here. Was married 11 years to a woman who had a 12 year old move in after we were married for 3 years, and it all went downhill after that because I tried to be an authority figure, and wife told me to stuff it, but I resented it. To avoid future problems, maybe some counseling for you and your son will help to alleviate some of the resentment, and give a new perspective on the issue. Good luck with your boys :)

Answer 4

Your husband is not your sons father and never will be. Your son obviously does not want a new father. I personally think that it is wrong to allow your husband to make disciplinary decisions concerning your son like for instance grounding him. I am sure that your son resents that and he will also resent you for allowing it to happen. I am also sure that one on one time between your son and husband are not necessary or wanted by your son. I would expect the boy to be respectful but he is not under the obligation to love or even like your husband. Stop pushing the guy on him. He did not choose these circumstances. I am the mother of two grown sons. They have always said that they do have step-parents. They have a mother and a father and that is it. They like the man that I am married to now. They treat him as a friend.

Answer 5

There is one thing I know for sure. If a step parent has an issue with a step child, then he needs to address that with you, the mom, not take it into his own hands. It never works for step parents to reprimand their step kids. The step father needs to work on developing a good relationship with your son and you need to be the one that hands out the discipline. Have you ever considered parenting classes. They are so awesome. The whole family goes. You learn some great idea's and your kids are there hearing it from another adult that some things they do aren't OK. They also understand where it's coming from when the rules start to change at home. They get to share their own feelings too if they want to and sometimes the parents learn from their children. It's a wonderful means of communication. It has nothing to do with not knowing how to parent your child. It has everything to do with enhancing your relationship. Everyone wins. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Before your husband was just your boyfriend and now he's your husband. So he didn't have a say so before, so of course everything was cool!!! Now he's here to stay, and your son may feel that he's taken you away from him. Your son is becoming a teenager now, and you remeber how it was when you were a teenager!! Try to find something that their both intersted in and see that works. And family counseling never hurt.

Answer 7

you need to just try to back off your son. he will only grow more resentment towards your new husband if you try to force everything upon him. just show him as much love as you can-- this is a very hard time for him. trust me-- i had a "step-dad" forced upon me when i was a teenager... force was the worst thing ever. if they would have just backed off, i would have been a whole lot more behaved & respectful!

if you do the counseling thing, be very selective in who you trust your family to. it CAN be very helpful, but there are some out there... well, that do not help so much!

Answer 8

yeah, your son needs some counseling. Actually you could all use the counseling.....If the problem is new, there is an issue that is new. If its been his way since you got married then the problem is far deeper, a counselor can help figure that out.

Answer 9

You need to have a talk with your son because he doesnt respect your husband's role in his life. You also need to have a talk about exaggerated hormones at this time and how it affects them and their thinking and reactions to things. If he sees your husband doing things for you promptly if asked and you for him...you also must remind your son that he is being proper, respectful and kind when he responds to requests immediately.
He has a 'role' in the family, he is cared for and protected and his role is to be a kind respectful participant in the family.

Answer 10

let the grounding be short only 24 hrs and then stick up for your hubby but dont let him go overboard...always have him talk with you before these decisions are made and then there is a united front which commands respect...