We were together for 7yrs and have 2 kids.He had an affair that lasted 3 months then another 3 months when we seperated.He says it was a stupid mistake and he regrets it and that he will make it up to me somehow.How can i learn to trust him again?
2006-12-18 16:55:16 · 13 answers · asked by Rachel 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There is such a thing in life termed as REBOUND. Your husband was on the rebound. He messed up with you and thought he could make things work with other women, but found it made no difference. You see he needs help. He is lost. he has baggage and undealt with issues and until he deals with it, he will always float around and get nowhere. He is insecure and has lost face since he has betrayed you.
You however must realize that you are his ultimate friend and if you love him and want to give him a second chance, do so. Dont rake out the past. My suggestion is go buy the book WILD AT HEART by John Eldredge. It explains exactly what goes on in the brain of a man. it will also help him to find himself. I suggest you read it first.
I went through the same thing you are experiencing and I must tell you it is soul destroying, ,but remember everyone deserves a second chance and unless you give it your best shot, you will always wander about him. God prefers restoration to divorce. Divorce is hurtful and ugly and leaves embittered and miserable people in its path of destruction. Everyone has wounds. Even you.
Also remember it takes 2 to make a fight. There is his side your side and then there is the truth. MArriage is a seroius commitment to one another and deserves respect and love and integrity and dignity, most of all maturity. You need to look deeper into the psycology of understanding humans. We are complex people and mostly wounded in some area of our lives, be it rejection, or dissappointment and betrayal, abuse, whatever. The point is we must choose to get better and learn from our mistakes and operate in true forgiveness and not by feelings and emotions. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. We choose to forgive so that we too may be forgiven. Everything in life is a choice.
I see no reason for you not to take your man back. My advice is not to rub salt into his wounds, but rather to operate in forgive and forget. We all make mistakes from bad choices. Go get your man.
Good luck with your choice and may God become a reality in your lives!
Merry Christmas!
2006-12-18 17:08:12 · answer #1 · answered by uniquechild 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You'll just have to try and see what happens. There is no other way. Moreover, you should think why did the affair happen in the first place. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but an affair is a sign of failing relationship. You two have a lot to re-build. But look on the bright side - he has taken the step in the right direction.
You might want to consider marriage councelling. Also, take a look at www.marriagebuiders.com - it talks a lot about affairs, about how they end, how they should end and how to build an affair-proof marriage. True, it will never be the same, but it may be even better.
2006-12-18 16:57:23 · answer #2 · answered by Snowflake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to tell you this hun, but I really think you should get rid of him. He's going to tell you anything he thinks you want to hear to try and get back with you. You may have two kids together but that doesen't mean you have to stay together, sometimes kids are better off if there parents aren't together. More than likely this guy is going to hurt you again he obviously doesn't really love you if he did he would have never did it in the first place. Please go and find someone who will love you and only you and only want to be with you believe me when I tell you the right man is out there for you somewhere, just be a little patient and the reward in the end will be amazing. I believe you deserve it. Good luck
2006-12-18 17:04:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
a one night stand might be construed as a mistake
a 3 month affair is a calculated action
2 affairs is a pattern
so when he says it was a mistake its not, it is a pattern, you already know from experience that once a cheater always a cheater
do not come on here in a few months crying that your man cheated on you again and what should you do
2006-12-18 17:12:14 · answer #4 · answered by zether 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Trusting him again is going to be the most difficult part. You will wonder everytime he is late, everytime you get a hang up call, everytime he spent more money than he should have during the week. That is the worst part.
If you can get past all that, more power to you.
2006-12-18 17:00:04 · answer #5 · answered by maamu 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may never be able to trust him like you once did so both of you may have to simply accept this or stay away from each other. Try to just start all over again-I wish you lots of good luck!
2006-12-18 17:00:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please take one day at a time. If you have to one moment at a time. It is going to take two to mend this marriage and would suggest that perhaps you both go in for counseling. Lots of communication between you two. Set up a date between you two like when you were first dating. Take time out for yourselves as a couple. Give lots of hugs and say I love you a lot also.
2006-12-18 17:00:29 · answer #7 · answered by leda_mj 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has to prove himself, then time will tell. He is going to have to understand your apprehension. Make sure the affair argument doesn't come up in any future fights, try to remember that has nothing to do with his inability to pick up socks!
2006-12-18 17:00:41 · answer #8 · answered by auntynoall 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't learn to trust him.
The questions are:
Can I forgive him?
Can I ever trust him again?
If you say no to any of those then you shouldn't go back it won't last without both.
2006-12-18 21:22:29 · answer #9 · answered by LC 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's hard to trust some one who hurts you in that way, you have to completely forgive the person and just remember that people can change oh and whatever you do DON'T bring it up in future fights it will just make things worse
2006-12-18 17:00:41 · answer #10 · answered by sweetheart_ok_20 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋