Should I leave my husband?

Question

Ive been married 18 yrs with 3 young kids. Ive stayed home with them for 8 yrs. My hub works alot. His ego has grown exponentially. Takes me for granted. Doesn't hear me when I speak sometimes. When I was pregnant, he yelled at me right before I had the baby & then acted proud daddy. I cried for days. Had his own secret acct, credit card, & put half of the check into his acct each month, while I tried to make ends meet. Showed little concern or support when I had a stalker. Sexually, he can't. Especially if I lead. I have to be passive. Yet, he does help me around the house & I don't see how I could ever make it financially alone. I also dont want to hurt my kids. But Im not happy & I dont love him any more. I want to be loved so badly & I want to show it. Ive tried so hard. Everyone thinks hes wonderful. Theres a subtle dominance. Im so tired of being alone. He says he loves me. How do I figure out whether to leave? How do I prepare myself financially? What should I do?

Answer 1

I don't answer very many of these, but yours really begs for some consideration. Most of the questions on this site are just plain stupid --- yours is a real dilemma, hon, so you deserve some thoughts....

You have several questions in here, and you have answered almost all of them yourself...but you have missed one angle.....To begin: You are in an unhappy marriage of 18 years duration, and I am assuming you have never worked outside the home, and never got an education or a skill with which you could support yourself... Not good.

1. My 'momma' (my loving name for my mom, obviously) always told me: "a.NEVER expect anyone to be a meal ticket. b.Marriage may not be forever. c.Always be able to support yourself in a style you would like. d.Always have a stash of cash even if you are sure you never will need it." In other words, always have a Plan B.

2. My daddy told me once, "A divorce is a nice thing if you can afford it."

3. And I believe marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, with a whole lot of lovies, kindness, sharing, and providing a loving enviornment in which to raise children should you choose to have any. It is time together, and the ability to solve differences without rage. It is tolerance, and shared positive experiences.... and all of these are just subsets of the four above.

Where are you in all of this?

1.You say you have no way to leave, so, you have no Plan B. To have a Plan B at this point requires you to either rob a bank, or go back to school for training, or get a job. Because you have admitted you have no money, and I'd assume none stashed. (Your first option would be to go back to school until you had a skill that paid well. In two or three years, you could leave, and divorce him..probably the least painful of the two choices below.)

2. Divorces are expensive. You would probably immediately have to get a job, even if he paid child support. Your standard of living would be reduced immediately. Would you be willing to do that? If not, don't do the last paragraph.

3. By this definition, you have no marriage, you have a roommate, who he, and everyone but you. thinks is wonderful. He has the upper hand financially, and probably never lets you forget it. Doubtful that he would ever consider counseling, and he has no idea how much better your relationship could be with it.

You have a tough problem. Another option now would be to get some counseling on how you make your wishes known.(Begin before you go by reading the book "The Assertive Option". Forgot the author'name.... It is a standard in the field of making your wishes known, and resolving issues without rage... still available, and cheap on Amazon.com.)
In your place, after I had some tools to communicate my needs to him, and I wanted some changes soon, I'd put him against the wall -- "either we get into counseling, or I sue you for divorce." Problem here is, you have to be willing to begin the process.(and possibly carry it through.... idle threats just won't work, and you will be in a weaker position than when it all began!!!!)
Never threaten to do anything you are not prepared to carry out, hon, NEVER.

If you do divorce him and get out on your own, you are free to find a great guy, because just about everyone marrys twice -- the first to have children with, and the second to love and grow old with. And hon, tho I was not in your exact position, I did leave, and I did find the prince.

Answer 2

You've given many reasons to leave. But I hate to see a family break up too. And so many of those things would improve if you both could forgive and take the walls of pain down and start fresh. Have you tried counseling or church? Maybe he can't get it up when you lead because he needs to take a drug to be hard?

On the other side, if you want love and can't get it from him, you should do it while you have some youth because you can lose your body and looks and health pretty quickly. The older your kids get the harder it will be though. Teens are very possesive and interfere with dating. Second husbands and your kids will have a hard time getting along too. But if you want to leave, call your local crisis shelter since there is a control issue and they can help you with a place to stay while you get a job and save money.

Answer 3

If I were you; I would leave. Doing that is easier said than done. Get some trusted allies within your family group who understand and KNOW whats going on. Maybe they can help you. Get a job if you can. Squirrel away as much as you can until you think you have enough. Do not give away your plan in advance! Make sure you are covered with shelter/job/transport before you leave.

Once you do leave, do not, do not, DO NOT!, let them con you into a reconciliation. If you thought you were miserable before you left; you will be even more miserable once he's got you back in the house and thinks he's undercut any methods you might have to leave.

Answer 4

One thing's for sure: Don't make this HUGE decision based on what people at Yahoo! answers tell you. We're only hearing your half of the story and as they say there's your version, there's her version and then there's the truth. Not to say either person lies, but people see things differently and what you need is to sit with someone who can make each of you see things the way the other sees it. I think you owe it to yourself and your kids if not to him, to seek out a marriage counselor. You may find yourself falling in love with him all over again. Make that appointment NOW. There's no need to suffer any longer than you have to. And if it ends even with the professional help, then you'll never wonder if you could have tried harder.
Good luck to you and your family. It may not be as hopeless as it seems right now.
;o)

Answer 5

i know i might be telling you what another million people are telling you but you really need to follow you heart. if you feel your husband is cheating on you or that you don't have the same connection you 2 had 18 years ago you need to tell him straight up"hey ______ our relationship is fading slowly and maybe we need to go counseling or maybe we need to skip work for a week and just bond , all 5 of us OK BABY?". (make sure you say the baby part just to be buttered up) lol (if you are really in the mood)well good luck with that decision and i hope you make the right one but remember follow your heart and think about your children and their relationship with their father.i don't live with my real father but i thank the Lord for new stepfather, Carlton Jackson.and even though i don't see my dad often i love him my stepmother her kids and my new twin brother and sister KaMaya & Jacobi.back to the point this guy sounds like an
***hole and you really should leave him because he made you cry he seems like an abuser and by your descroption he treats you like crap! f him! and not in the sexual way!

Answer 6

First of all, you need to seek a therapist that will help you gain some techniques in how to get through being with him until you are ready to leave him. If you are ready to leave him right now then I suggest that you call any of your family members and confide in them your situation and ask them for help. Maybe you can even live with your family members until you can get on your own feet. Your health is very important and the longer that you feel this way the more serious your condition will get. Take care of it now while it is still early.

Answer 7

u said that he works alot is he always at work? if you are trying to make ends meet and he hs stash and he stays in the house let shut off notices come and see what he does then. but if you can start putting up 50 dollars a week if you can if you can do more cool but put something aside and you just have to deal for a while if you have no place to go. start fixing yourself up no man wants to come home to a woman looking bad get yourself together and see how it goes good luck

Answer 8

sister, not only do you need counseling, but you need a divorce lawyer. This guy sounds like an abuser. You say you dont want to hurt your kids? You are already, by showing them its ok for a husband to mistreat his wife. Your sons/daughters model themselves after you. They will think this type of relationship is ok, and will be this way as adults. Do you want that????? And you also mentioned money- there is child support, and alimony...you'll see how strong you can be!!!!!!

Answer 9

before u make any decisions try going to marriage counseling. He will have no choice but to listen and hear your feelings that have been bottled up for so long.
If this way doesnt help in anyway, then you should leave. Its good you dont want to hurt your kids but you will hurt them more by staying in a marriage that will make you miserable and kids like to see their mommy happy.

Answer 10

sweetie he made you cry too. i think you should leave this man...... even though he says he loves you and stuff but he hasnt be doin his part as a father... maybe he has a different meanin in a relationship..... but i think you can do better... i believe you can find a better father n husband for yourself n da kids.. how does he treat the kids... from wat i know i dont think you r suppose to yell at the women when they are delievering cuz its already stressful as it is..... you guys should probably see a marriage counsel..... good luck ^_^ bout the stalkers maybe you should keep a 42-in rifle by your side at all times but plz reframe from usin it on husband..... just jokin.... but seriously good luck