How do you know if you chose wisely? What if you made a mistake?

Question

My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years and have two beautiful children. It was a very quick courtship. Married less than a yr. to our first date. Over the past two years I have been struggling w/ our relationship. We don't see eye to eye on many, many things. We tried couseling last year...honestly, I feel like it made things worse because I saw his true colors. He's hardly ever home...very involved in the community and work. I am struggling w/ not "looking" elsewhere for emotional support. I just don't feel anything anymore but anger. I feel like we're married because we're supposed to be not because we want to be. I come from a long history of divorce, and really didn't want to be added to the list, but I can't help think there's a better way to live life. I recently started talking w/ an old male co-worker and I can't stop thinking about him and what if?? I am really having a hard time trying to decide if I should leave and maybe be happy or stay and be miserable.

Answer 1

Please don't go down that road right now. You should take care of your life before involving someone else.

If you and your husband are not happy, then it is time to do something about it. Try a separation. Get a divorce if you think it is right.

Remember that you have children involved and do what is best for them in the long run.

You cannot look elsewhere for a relationship until you are divorced. It is just wrong. You don't want your children to hear about it and be ashamed.

Answer 2

First of all, how do you know that once you live that you will be happy. Are you contemplating on this other older male? I think that people take it too lightly that they have made a vow. Your husband may be in the community or working hard. But have you honestly took a look at society today? Look at the men that are available. They seem to be cheaters, beaters, druggies, alcoholics, or even abusive. And your husband works and is a part of the community and yet you complain. Ummm.....I think that relationship/marriages fail from the lack of communication. Maybe when you are trying to talk with your husband, he is tired from what he has committed to. When are you trying to talk to him? Have you tried christian counseling? Not all counselors are good counselors. I know that for a fact. If you have been married for nine years, something kept you all for those nine years, especially if you have two beautiful children. Sometimes, the wife has the spice up the relationship and maybe that's what it needs. I don't know the full story, so of course I am just giving advice and encouragement. Divorce should be a last resort.

Answer 3

I am the last person to advocate divorce. I am also the first person to advocate being married when you wish every day and night to be ANYWHERE else.
I'd say that if marriage counseling merely drove the two of you farther apart, and it sounds like your husband "stays away" by staying at work, or other places, then you aren't exactly married. Married is being together as much as you can, having intimacy (talks, walks, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, sex FREQUENTLY). If you look for ways to NOT do the items on that list, if you've had sex twice in the past year, you aren't married. Paul Harvey AND Dr Phil (and I ) talk about "prolonging the inevitable." If you see no way to make it work, I'd walk. If you see any way you could try harder and he was agreeable, hang in there. Also bear in mind that there are people FAR more important to this issue than you and Mr. The kids. You might also consult a minister if there is one, and you might consult an attorney to find out just what your rights truly are.
Next time-- if there is one-- I would suggest a longer courtship. It usually takes two of each season to get to know someone. That means 2 YEARS dating before any wedding bells.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I have been in your shoes and it isn't fun. I was married for all the wrong reasons and I did the same thing you are doing right now. I turned to a co-worker. (He was actually my boss) After it was all said and done I did in fact cheat on my husband but I didn't intend to. I went to him for a friend and someone to talk so the rest just kinda happened. If I could do it all over again I would change some things. First of all it is ok to have a friend but not a male friend right now, try a female friend. Second, don't put yourself in the category of the rest of the people in your family. All marriages are different and all couples are different. Just because they got divorced doesn't mean you are doing what they are doing, different reasons, different people. You have to be you for you and your children. They deserve to see their mother happy as well as you deserve to be happy. Decide what you want to do and stick with it no matter how hard it gets, be strong for your kids and you. If you decide to leave don't go back because it is normal and routine. You want happiness, then go get it. I hope that helps, Good luck.

Answer 5

Don't even consider cheating on your husband with this co-worker. He would have no respect for you if you were to cheat with him. He knows you are married and if he was a decent guy he would not even go there. If you honestly only feel anger for your husband and do not think you can sort out your problems then perhaps you should consider separation/ divorce. Do not let your feelings be clouded by thoughts of your co-worker though. You must leave for the right reasons or you would probably start to resent each other otherwise. You also have two children to consider.What sort of affect do you think you're cheating would have on them ?? Think seriously before you do anything you may regret. Good luck in finding your happiness and Merry Xmas.

Answer 6

Nine years is a long time. Do you think you grew apart over this time or were never the at the same place in the first place? If you were never on the same page from the beginning then you make need to reconsider your relationship. On the other hand, your differences could be what kept you together so long. Can you see yourself becoming more happy if he were no longer with you and you did not have someone waiting?

Answer 7

Whatever makes YOU happy is the way to go. Personal advice: divorce first, and get your head straight before jumping into another relationship... You still have two kids to raise and you wouldn't want an angry exhusband trying to refuse child support just because you are in another relationship. Also don't risk having your children taken away in a divorce settlement due to infidelity... This is a NO NO....... Peace and good luck to you!

Answer 8

i think that in your heart you know the answer. you said should i leave and maybe be happy or stay and be miserable. it sounds like youve tried and its just not working out. maybe its time to split. even if its not permanent, just give some time to see what happens. absence makes the heart grow fonder or time can ease your pain. i think we are both in a similar situation. without going into a lot of detail, maybe you could email me if you want to talk. [e-mail] good luck whatever you do remember, divorce is ok, cheating is not. make sure you get out before you step out. remember we all make mistakes that we can grow stronger from and learn from

Answer 9

If you don't think marriage counseling helped you must know the answer to your question. I struggle with this all the time. Maybe you should tell your spouse you are lonely and wanting to snuggle under someone else, because this may change things but also be careful because he may be doing the same. Follow your heart

Answer 10

I would suggest that if you are truly miserable and you have tried counseling, end the marriage. Your children are most likely picking up on your misery and they to are probably miserable with a miserable mother. We all need to connect with our spouse/partner on an emotional level, and you are not. It is hard to do, but if you are contemplating an affair and/or divorce, its over. I think this decision is best for you, and you children. You can always remain friends with your spouse. It just sounds like the deeper connection marriage requires is gone.