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I have a 4 year old daughter "Sara" who is an only grandchild. My husband and I have asked my FIL to follow certain rules that Sara lives under at home when she is with him, but he outright refuses. We expect sweets such as candy and soda to be kept to a minimum, we ask that Sara be given the same disciplinary time-outs for misbehavior that she would recieve at home and, while we understand that grandparents buy presents, we ask that it be kept to a reasonable amount. Despite making it clear that we wanted these things to be done, he continues to stuff her with candy and soda, he never gives her a time out, and buys presents every time he sees her. Three weeks ago, my husband called his Dad to talk to him about his concerns and now FIL is not talking to him and only talks to me long enough to pick up Sara. He has bad-mouthed us in front of Sara and told her we are mean for giving her time-outs and not buying her whatever she wants.

2006-12-18 10:49:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Other - Family & Relationships

I only want what is best for my daughter and am worried about his negative influence on her, especially since FIL refuses to talk to us about it. My husband says we should just limit the time they spend together as much as possible, but I am at the point where I don't want my daughter seeing my FIL at all.

2006-12-18 10:53:00 · update #1

I know that they are grandparents, and I expect a certain amount of spoiling, but it's extreme. For example, FIL last year spent $300+ on presents for Sara. This year, we asked him to cut it back to $150 and now he's refusing to come for Christmas. Instead, he's taking Sara out for dinner to exchange gifts and has returned any gifts he got for me and hubby. FIL was at our house one day and I gave Sara a time out for kicking the cat and FIL said to her "Papa never gives you a timeout b/c that's mean." Sara was in the hospital emergency room 6 months ago for a GI tract problem and the doctor specifically said that sweets and fats need to be limited in her diet to prevent a recurrance. Even so, I ask Sara what she ate at Papa's and it's soda, candy, cookies and McDonald's. Maybe it's just me, but it's gone way beyond normal.

2006-12-18 11:07:28 · update #2

I forgot to mention, FIL sees Sara 1-2 times a week, so it isn't the rare visit.

2006-12-18 11:14:02 · update #3

17 answers

Well I think that you and your husband are in the right for standing your ground and setting boundaries, he needs to understand she is your daughter and that he needs to respect your wishes if they are only in her best interest, May I refer you to a website that has helped me through so much with inlaws as well as many others dont take the website wrong :) www.ihatemyinlaws.com everyone on there is bery supportive and you can read what others are going through good luck, and just be glad that your husband is on your side on this also. :)

2006-12-18 10:55:09 · answer #1 · answered by Summer 4 · 2 0

If you buy a child whatever they want they get SPOILED and turn into little monsters that think they can treat you however they want and get whatever they want. I'm sure that's not the kinda kid you want. Sweets and soda are both things that children can have and still be healthy but having soda and candy ALL THE TIME can make someone very unhealthy. Sweets taste good and so does soda and they're fine to have but not all the time. Discipline is something that all children need or like I said before they'll think they can get away with treating you badly and will become quite a handful. You and your husband need to sit down and have a serious talk with her grandfather. Explain to him why you give time-outs and why you don't give her presents everyday and sweets and soda. If he doesn't respect your wishes afterward tell him that you're not letting her come over *as much* as she did before. Still let her see him but tell him it won't be as much as before. I hope this helped. Good luck!

2006-12-18 10:57:21 · answer #2 · answered by Abby 6 · 1 0

I reckon definatly set bounderies. If he cant play by the rules then he is disrespecting you and also sara's health. He should respect the time he has and if he doesnt then tell him you wont bring sara over until he respects these rules. I think he has taken it too far. A few lollies here and there is ok but not all the time. If he is bad mouthing to your daughter then that would make me mad i wouldnt let him see her for a while. Good luck

2006-12-18 11:01:38 · answer #3 · answered by Nat555 2 · 2 0

Grandfathers always spoil grandchildren-they can't help it and being spoilt a bit by grandpa doesn't do any harm.It only happens for relatively short visits I presume? I don't know what form the 'bad-mouthing' took but please try and forgive him because it would be very painful for him to be deprived of time with his grandchild. Both would suffer I think. I am 53 and don't have any grandchildren yet but I am looking forward to them. As we get older we tend to go 'a bit soft' where children are concerned. I hope the rift can be healed and you can forgive him and that you can all be together at Christmas and beyond. I do hope you all have a happy one.

2006-12-18 10:58:01 · answer #4 · answered by Birdman 7 · 1 0

your daughter does not deserve to suffer because of your FIL being unable to meet you expectations. We have two sets of rules one for home and one for grandad parents houses and both are similar but not so demanding. Our house rules are similar to yours not to much candy chocolate and soda and to be disciplined in appropriate ways for the misbehavior. Whilst at Grandparents house you keep candy chocolate and soda to a reasonable amount and you can go over the top a little but not to much. Jordan does not get to see his grandparents much and only goes to see them at Christmas when he is over there he does get spoilt but it is on stuff he needs like clothes and educational toys also bedtimes and discipline rules are slightly different as the facilitys are not the same. Try talking to your husband about relaxing the rules a bit for when at FIL house like he can buy her stuff but it needs to be educational or clothes and she can have more candy and soda but she must still eat her meals. I dont think saying she cant see him because of rules is right. I know as my mum, brother and sister have not seen Jordan for three years as we had fallen out before his birth. This year i felt it was apporpiate to make peace for Jordan as it was easier than having awkard questions now we meet as often as we can but not as ofend as we would like due to work commetments. If you do stop Sara from seening him you may regret it later in life.

2006-12-18 11:15:49 · answer #5 · answered by Mrs Bond 3 · 0 0

In what way is he having a negative influence on her, To me it dosent seem as if hes teaching her no bad habits , like swearing , dropping litter, being rude to people. In fact quite opposite hes making her feel loved and wanted, sure she loves spending time with nanna and grandad because they spoil her, thats what grandparents do, You cant expect agrandparent to have the same disipline procedures as you, they want to spoil her, see her happy, not sulking on a chair or something?

Dont stop a kid from seeing their grandparents or vice versa for something as petty as they give her to much candy and toys.

Good luck to you anyway.
Michael

2006-12-18 13:46:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

FIL needs to understand that you and your husband are Sara's parents, and ya'll know what's best for her. As for bad mouthing you and your husband infront of your child shows he's not taking ya'll feelings into consideration. let him know either he follows the rules or he doesn't see Sara. He should aslo appologize to you and your husband infront of Sara, to let her know that he was wrong.

2006-12-18 10:56:30 · answer #7 · answered by S 5 · 1 0

Come on they're grandparents, that wouldn't be fair to him, Grandma and Grandpas house is suppose to be a place o' fun for them, when my nieces come over they get spoiled by my parents as it should be, it's great that they love her so much they want to spoil her, I underastand rules but some rules are made to be broken especially by grandparents

2006-12-18 10:53:12 · answer #8 · answered by graciegirl 5 · 2 0

My children's grandfather spoils them rotten, which is OK for me he is their granddad. When the children are at home they know there are rules, and they can't have what they want. You shouldn't expect your father to follow rules that you and your husband give out. He is her grandfather, all grandfathers spoil their grand kids, he shouldn't have to be a parental figure. However he should respect yours and your husbands way of bringing them up and not interfere with it.

2006-12-18 11:08:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

Calm down, they are grandparents, this is part of the fun of being grandparents. They are not going to allow her to do anything totally disregardful or rude. And she is quite aware of the difference between home and the grandparents home and rules. They are not going to turn her into a demon. This is a very good relationship for her to have in her life. Good luck and God bless****

2006-12-18 10:55:19 · answer #10 · answered by ? 7 · 1 1

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