Hi...we've been married for almost 2 years...we got along great when we were dating, we loved each other, understood each other..but then we came across problems with my family saying that he was only with me because of my papers. At first I believed them because they are my family and I didn't think they would lie to me but at the same time I knew were wrong. We'll that really affected our relatioship of what my family said about him. He has kept alot of anger towards my family..because in a way they humilitated him. We got engaged and he began to loose his temper and became in a way violent. He loves me and I love him...we've gone through alot to same our love from people who didn't want us to be together. We are now married and he hasn't changed...I mean it's only like once a month when he get's angry and might get a little violet, but he's improved al ot!!! It's really killing me being in this situation...yesturday he wanted to end our marriage. I begged him to find help. I'm hurt!
2006-12-18 08:54:48 · 25 answers · asked by Maria A 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We both have hurt each other alot, but when we're doing fine...we get along great! We both feel happy! Then we get into another big argument and very thing goes bad again. We also have a 1yr. old daughter..we both love her to death..and I don't want her to suffer...last night.. I though I was going to die! Because I though I was going to loose the most important thing in my life....."my marriage", "my family"! We're going to try to find help, but it's not easy because it requires money which is something that we don't have right now. I feel happy that were going to try it out, but I feel devestated inside....I keep this all to myself..because I don't want anyone to find out...I just had to let it out! Please help!!! Advice...encouragement words really help! This has changed us both ...I want my husband to be the guy I met..and he want me to change...it's just hard to forget everything we've been through! I pray to go to help us!
2006-12-18 09:01:18 · update #1
By papers I mean "because I'm a citizen, and my parents belived that he just wanted to get married to me because I'll be able to help him out and become legal" But it's not true!!!
2006-12-18 09:02:52 · update #2
Hi, it's not an easy question and it seems that there is a lot of emotional stuff going on between you and your partner which needs to be discussed. Family - you should not let them intervene in your life at first, but ...there is always "but" - you should not totally ignore them. Sometimes, the family is right, even if we find it hard to accept that fact. You should have discussed that matter with them asking what made them have such a bad opinion about your partner and later on made some inquiries about your partner motives to get into marriage with you. However, you should remember, that hardly ever there is only one motive in any kind of behavior; so it might be likely that you partner liked you a lot and was concerned about the papers as well. It would be clear if he had already legal papers allowing him to stay in the country and then wanted to marry you. It seems that you were
a) very attached to your family b) not trusting entirely your partner
which already put some shadow over your marriage
And when you got engaged and he started to loose temper you should have postponed the wedding.
Believe me, hardly anyone changes such a behavior, especially without professional counseling, so cheating yourself by saying that it would not happen if your family did not intervene, is not a good thing. Not your parents, then something else...
And please do not beg him, it will make things worse.
I was for 4 years in relation with a person who didn't hurt me physically but emotionally. I was with him despite my parents will and I was going deeper into that relation the more they disliked them until the day I almost died because of the way he hurt ed me emotionally. I was too proud to tell my family that they were right but I slowly got out of the relation and I know it has been a good decision...So please get a counselor but if things get worse do not hesitate to end this marriage - it seems that neither of you are really sure of each other now
2006-12-18 10:25:25 · answer #1 · answered by Judith 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Preciosa, a marriage is for 2 ONLY!
The biggest mistake you've ever done is listening to your family.
Whether it was true or false that he was with you to get his papers only, was you own problem to solve; unfortunately the damage is done!!
What you can do is first of all ask him for forgiveness (you directly didn't do anything to him, but you had doubts).
Second, look for help!!, a marriage counselor is a good idea, or if you want you can get close to a christian church, and I am more than positive they'll be able to help you.
Is going to be hard to gain his trust back, but if you start moving around looking for help, you are going to motivate him to do the same thing.
Please promise him and yourself, that you are not going to let a third person get into your marriage.
Do not give up.......happiness is for those who deeply look for it and persist.
Good Luck!!
2006-12-18 09:06:34 · answer #2 · answered by Feisty B 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure I understand your problem. Are you concerned about your family talking crap about him? Are you concerned about your husband being with you for your "papers"? Are you concerned about his violent tendencies? I'll try to answer each, since your question was ambiguous. If it's your family who is causing the problems, put some distance between them and your marriage. Your family will always be your family but your husband will only be your husband if you work at it together. If it's the papers, only communication with your husband will determine what his reasons for being with you are. If he truly loves you, then there is no problem. If it's the violent spells your husband exhibits, you should communicate with him when he's in a good mood and see what you can do to help him. If he is hurting you physically and emotionally, this is something that needs to stop soon and you should seek outside help via counseling.
2006-12-18 09:00:57 · answer #3 · answered by CPT Jack 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When you say Violent is it towards you?? If he is hitting you, then you need to get the hell out of the realtionship weather or not you want to lose your family or not. My husband and I met online, dated only 3 months, got engaged in May, and married in July, we never fought until right before we got married that was stress enough, then we started fighting because of his old boss, then he got a new job, and guess what the fighting subsided, all couple are going to fight about alot of differnt things. My husband and I love each other a great deal, but I am always at my daddy's house cause he has heart trouble and he sometimes doesn't like that, but guess what family is what matters in the this life. If my husband said anything about my family that would be it it would be over as much as I love Ricky it would be over, you need to look into divorce.
2006-12-18 09:10:11 · answer #4 · answered by msoutherngirl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good for you that you recognize there is a problem and want to work it out. Raising kids can be hard on a marriage. I suggest you find some quiet time to talk to your husband about your feelings. Something like "I don't want us to fight anymore. Can we find a way to be more kind to each other?" My husband and I did this and it worked wonders. Now, when we get frustrated or raise voices, we stop and apologize. One will ask the other, "Hey, what happened there? How did we get into a fight?" You can also try marriage counseling, but it sounds like all you & your DH needs is some time and consideration for each other. All the best to you.
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2015-01-28 07:38:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation... you love him and he is treating you with the kind of behaviour that most of us would not treat our worst enemy. Being a "little bit" violent is like being a "little bit" pregnant... he's violent. Period. He is not going to change and become un-violent until he recognizes his behaviour as wrong and is truly (and I don't mean fake remorse so he can get you back) sorry for his actions... and takes responsibility for his behaviours. Is this going to happen? Will he change his belief system? If he has 2 or more of the following beliefs it is unlikely that he will make the change in the near future without about two sessions a week of intense therapy and a desire to change his life/take responsibility:
(1)he believes that women are inferior to men
(2)he believes that women are meant to do the childcare, house cleaning, sexual servicing but not make any of the major decisions in the marriage
(3)he believes that other people and circumstances MAKE him unhappy, violent, angry, sad, fail, hurt, etc.
(4)he believes that as the man in the relationship he must be in control of his wife and children -- he's "the boss"
(5)he believes that his wife can do something that needs 'correction' through violence, such as forgetting to do something he asked her to do, or doing something that he does not permit her to do
(6)he believes that without a woman in his life he might as well be dead.... he believes that he will die without your complete commitment.... if he is going to die, he believes that he has the right to take you down with him (and thus the reason for so many murder-suicides among domestically violent partnerships
(7)he believes that violence is a problem-solving technique
My suggestion is for you to get in touch with a counselor at a women's shelter. Christmas is a very dangerous time for women in abusive relationships and I believe that is why you are picking this particular time to reach out.
Healthia Cynthia
Certified Comprehensive Coach
Moderator for My Monday Miracles
http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/My_Monday_Miracles/
2006-12-18 09:14:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You would need to find a good marriage counselor. Work it out if that's what you truly want.Families can be very judgmental sometimes but It is your life and those are your choices you need to make for yourself. Advise is always good but you need to look at things from both sides of the issue , your and his.
2006-12-18 09:02:20 · answer #9 · answered by rhiannonnightqueen 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
toooooo much drama.. your making excuses for him....get out of this amrriage before it does get worse...unless you guys both really WANT the help then get it....and PLEASE dont BEG any man to stay...your worth more than that dont you think? have a better self esteem and believe in yourself...dont stay together because of a child. you both can love her better and healthier without having to be a married couple..... give yourself and your child a gift of peace. show her now how a woman needs to be strong and have a a high self esteem...a does deserve the best...be a good mommie and role model..your all she has
2006-12-18 09:19:30 · answer #10 · answered by truthgrl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋