I need to sit down with sthe man that I love with all my heart. I wouldn't hurt him for anything in the world, but I need and want to ask some questions which will cause him unhappiness and some emotional discomfort. The questions may even make him upset or angry. I am a very gentle and shy woman and I find confrontation very difficult and I usually end up crying.
Something is bothering this man terribly and I want to get to the bottom of it. I want to hear everything - even if it takes all night.
When I get home from work this evening I need to have a plan in place. Do I tell him that I need to talk to him and can he come somewhere quiet with me (we do have a 14-year-old girl in the house) because I want to talk to him? If so, how do I start? I only know that he has been somewhat edgy and is smoking a lot and not sleeping much. He seems preoccupied and I do know that December is a hard month for him because of things that have happened to him in the past.
2006-12-18 08:07:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
(way before my time). I would do anything he asked to make him happy and chee him up, but I dopn't know how to approach him without making it worse or that I'm trying to intrude.
How do you start a conversation like this?m Should I wait until later in the evening? Any sincere help would be appreciated.
Also, one last thing, Do I touch him or embrace him? He HAS pushed me away gently before when he was under a lot of stress. HELP!
2006-12-18 08:11:07 · update #1
Darlin' take him by the hand, go to a place where you can both be comfortable and in private...tell him that he needs to understand what bothers him bothers you too. Let him know that you love him very much and that you realize there are things he must deal with by himself but there are also things that are better if the burden is shared.
Tell him you are there to listen to him to try and help him come to terms with whatever is bothering him so greatly. Tell him that he doesn't have to go through this difficulty alone, that you want to be there for him...be a source of strength. No matter what it is that he is bothered with, you want to be able to understand it so that you can be the best partner to him as possible.
Explain to him that you know there are many painful memories and perhaps there is something else bothering him (work etc), and tell him that you don't want to be protected from this because if you were experiencing this pain you would want him to be there for you.
Perhaps he'll open up then and if you both drink wine??? Have a glass or two...it will relax both of you and then perhaps the entire painfilled situation will be uncovered without anger.
Gentle words and sincere eye contact, hugs and hand touching...if there are things he doesn't want to open up about....leave those for now and let him talk if he does...as much as he needs to.
Good luck,
2006-12-18 08:19:45 · answer #1 · answered by dustiiart 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Put it off untiL January if you already know that December is a hard month for him. Always remember that men are just little boys in a big mans body. Do what it takes to make him feel safe with you. Don't try to make this a big producton all in one sit down session. Mention it to him when you lay down in bed together. Give him gentle reminders that you are his best friend and confidant. Let him know that he is safe to share anything on his mind that may be bothering him.
2006-12-18 08:17:29 · answer #2 · answered by Bruce C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is a psychologist model for confronting:
1. Affirm the relationship
2. Outline the issue
3. Discuss how you feel about the issue
4. Discuss solution
5. Discuss ways of working through it together
6. Confirm solution (what's happening from here on)
7. Reconfirm relationship.
Sometimes they say in difficult situations to write the items down as you will say them so that you keep on track.
He may get a little bothered, but remind him how you feel about him and the most important thing is him.
2006-12-18 08:16:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't put him on the spot. If you do, he will not have a chance to formulate an answer. Also, since you are asking him the question, he has every right to not want to talk about HIS problem. I appreciate the fact you want answers, but remember, he is in pain and you need to tap dance to his tune. Send him a letter at work, this is so he won't feel "cornered" by you and it'll give him a chance to decide if and when he wishes to discuss this with you. If he replies with a letter, stick with it. It would be obvious that he is more comfortable writing about it than doing it face to face. In any instance, I strongly discourage you from throwing this out there unexpectedly and face to face. It appears that this is a very very painful subject for him and it is very apparent that you love this man with all of your heart. You can't rush him. Let him know that you are available to talk to, but don't push him or he'll close himself off. My wife was sexually abused by her grandfather when she was young. I knew of this when we got married but it took her 16 years to feel comfortable enough to talk abou it. Be patient. Good Luck and Merry Christmas.
2006-12-18 13:37:07 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
wait till the night belongs to the two of you....after dinner and dishes and the child is in bed.....be gentle and loving hold him...kiss him and tell him that you know that something is bothering him and that you want to help....tell him that nothing is so bad that it can't be straightened out if you are honest and open with each other....tell him how much you love him and that it hurts you to see him hurting....that you are there to listen, not judge no matter what it is...then wait...you've opened the door, told him you recognize that something is bothering him and that you want to help....the rest is up to him. He will talk when he is ready and able...don't pester him, nag him or pout if he doesn't open up right away...just leave it alone and let him come to terms with whatever it is....good luck
2006-12-18 08:13:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't have any solid ideas for you... but commend you for wanting to find out. He's a lucky man to have your love. Simply take him by the hand, tell him you love him with all your heart and that you are worried because you have observed some things he is doing (the smoking and not sleeping etc)... ask him to talk to you about what is bothering him. Take it from there, and good luck.
2006-12-18 08:11:18 · answer #6 · answered by Uncle Tim 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should just say it exactly the way you just typed it on here. Sounds good, when confronting, the best way is to be sincere, rather than nag. (not that you will nag) but i guess what i mean is, be gentle & try not to force information out of him, make him feel comfortable opening up to you by being a good listener & speaking with gentle, "im here for you" type of words.
2006-12-18 08:12:20 · answer #7 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't do it. What is going on with him sounds like it has absolutely nothing to do with you. He's retreated to his cave his place of deep down soul searching, deep thinking and it seems December is his time to do that. Just be a loving and courteous wife and let him come out when he is ready. You don't want to push him or drag him out; he'll only retreat deeper. Now he needs you to let him alone in his cave. He needs you to be there even when he is not. He needs to know that you are always there. By leaving him alone for now you are there.
2006-12-18 08:14:12 · answer #8 · answered by Laela (Layla) 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make sure your daughter is taken care of and go out for dinner with him. Tell him you need to talk to him and you won't take no for an answer, but you don't want to talk seriously until after dinner (hopefully you can wait).
After dinner go sit down somewhere a park or just riding in the car. Tell him you love him and you need to know what's wrong. Tell him you need to deal with it, whatever it is.
2006-12-18 08:12:28 · answer #9 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
with actions try to let him know that something is troubling you, and that soon you two will need to talk. If he gets this feeling, then he will open up a line of communication without you asking him to do so
then be always frank but explaining why you feel or do things the way you do, dont only say facts... good luck
2006-12-18 08:12:10 · answer #10 · answered by Ge 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋