Caught in a trap....(unhappily married)?

Question

Hi~ I've been married for over 10 years. I got married when I was 21-young and naive. He told me he never wanted to get married but asked me to be his girl and we lived together. After a year and a half, I was restless and told him we had to get married or forget it. He said OK and we got married. He also said he didn't want kids but a year later I had our only child.

Fast forward 10 years......

He's had trouble keeping a job (though he's a good worker) he's immature, smokes pot, and I'm the main caretaker of our child. He loves us but he acts trapped and when we got into a huge fight he blurted that he told me he never wanted this but I was the one who didn't listen.

My question now is should I just end it since it's all been a facade? i feel like a fool.

Answer 1

End it please. Do what is best for the child. Kids can feel the tension and unhappiness. I know my brothe and I did with our parents. My mom said she only stayed for our sake, I always wished they would get a divorce...they finally did.

Answer 2

If only we can turn back time...

I have learned the same lesson as you; ultimatums are never good.
I think you need to ask yourself; do the benefits of the marriage outweigh the disadvantages? Make a list---pros and cons and weight your answers individually on a scale of 1-5. Score the list and use the results to help you in your decision-making process.

Fast farward another ten years; will you be full of regrets if you stay in the marriage? You are 31 now--it's not too late to find a new life partner who doesn't hide behind the haze of pot smoke, who can hold a job and who will be engaged with your children. Do the benefits of staying married to this man outweigh the dream of living in a healthy marriage? What does this guy do for you that no other man will do? Ask yourself the hard questions and the answer will reveal itself. Good luck and hugs to you!

Answer 3

I'm sorry to say this, but this is the classic number 1 problem we women have - - we don't listen! The man told you he didn't want to get married, told you he didn't want children, and now you can't understand why he's not keeping a job and smoking pot and not helping with the child-raising???? Because he doesn't want to! Because he's immature as you said, and he tried to tell you. You forced him into marriage and had a child regardless of the fact that he didn't want it (not that he did anything to prevent it) but the onus on you my dear. You have the exact life you wanted so please don't go blaming him. Now, with that said, there is still hope. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you have to LIVE with that mistake. It's time to pack up and move on...because really what do you have? You are taking care of house and home AND HIM. Move on and chalk this one up to experience. Good luck.

Answer 4

Yes, end it. It's been ten years and he hasn't learned how to grow up or even love you enough to accept how you feel. He does not truly love you. I know that people should try to work things out instead of resulting to divorce, but you have been unhappy for so long. It is not fair for your child or for you. Sometimes divorce is for the best. Life will go on. Just let you child be apart of his dad's life even if you two don't end up together. That is the important. Plus, you do not want your child to live in a enviroment where there is a lot of arguing and not to mention drugs. Think of your baby. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Don't feel like a fool. Experience isn't what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you. Life is a tough teacher, first the test then the lesson. It is always easier to look back and think of things being different based on knowing what happened. Before you decide your future, think about what you really want for you, and your child. Getting "older" means Outliving life decisions experiencing rethinking. No one here can every answer this question, you are unique and need to find that out yourself.

Answer 6

Well, is what you have with him worth fighting for, or is it not?

Honestly? He didn't respect you enough to propose in the first place... he didn't want kids... he didn't care for your opinion at all until you told him what you wanted "or else." You know? You gave him a mandate and he followed suit. You cannot change a person, they have to want it enough to change themselves... If you take away his pot, he'll just find some more... Now, you might try telling him how you feel, how his actions hurt you... take responsibility for your own part in the matter... but at least tell him something so that he knows how he makes you feel... give him lots of positive input... tell him you think he's capable of more... Stay away from mandates and threats... be honest... See what he says, or how he responds... don't treat him like a kid, but like the man you know he can be... if he's still negative, or refuses to change, or even see what's happening ... then it might be time to consider moving on.

Answer 7

It seems to me that 10 years is a lot to throw away.

On the other hand, he did give you a very clear message that what you have is not what he wanted. I would have belived (like you apparently) that he would have matured and grown into it.

Why does he have trouble keeping a job?

If indeed, you feel foolish, perhaps it is time to move on. Never the less I would opt for some type of counseling if he is willing to participate. If not, you do not have much choice but an ultimatum

Best of luck!

Answer 8

I think what he said hurts you so much because you know deep down inside that it's true. He told you he didn't want any of this and now he has it and he isn't any good at it. He's blaming you and you are letting him.

I think you need to sit him down and address the issue of what he said. You can tell him how it made you feel to hear him say it but that ultimately he is his own person and whether or not it was your idea, he went along with it and by doing that he accepted everything involved. Nobody forced him to do anything and he has to either grow up and accept his responsibilites or move on.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 9

Girl, he seems like a bum anyways. I'm sure if you leave him, you won't miss him for long. Why would you want to expose your child to that kind of life, smoking pot? The lord or higher power can help you if you can help yourself. But before making any decision, talk to him where he sees you and the family at this point. Talk it out what you plan to do if he doesn't change. Maybe that'll open his eyes more. Good luck!

Answer 10

Don' t feel like a fool, because you are not...Us women think with our hearts and always think it'll get better, IT DOESN'T! you are young enough to go on with ur life and find someone who will love you and help you take care of your child, and maybe you'll be able to give ur child in the future a new little brother or sister with someone who loves and adores you. Don't set yourself short, be good to yourself and to your child. DO what you need to make urself happy, and if that means leving your current husband, then honey, DO IT.

I wish you all the luck in the world, because whether you do it today, tomorrow, 2 months or 5 years from now, it'll hurt.

Answer 11

Don't listen to these secularists. Ending it will only make the problem worse. You married for better or for worse. Well, this is the worse part, but God still expects you to keep your promise to him. The Catholic church teaches us that divorce is not allowed. It severs the relationship we have with our partner and God. Remember we are all one person. You don't bail out when the going gets tough. There is always a chance to reconcile. You didn't lie to God when you said til' death do us part, did you?