Over coming low self esteem?

Question

I have very low self esteem and I care way to much about whether a guy thinks I'm pretty or not. It is a very big problem. It consumes most of what i think about. I am pretty to some people, but say for instance I'm attracted to a good looking guy, he does not even notice that I exist, but his much less attractive friend has a thing for me. This has happened to me a lot through the course of my life. Things like this and some other much worse things have given me low self esteem. I just wanted to know if there is anyone out there who has transended the whole low self esteem thing and just does not care what people think anymore, and I need to know how you did it. Please no mean spirited jokes, you may just see me as some one posting online but I am a person just like you and this has been a huge problem for me all of my life. I just feel like if I'm ugly that I want people to stop telling me that I'm pretty because when I look at a guy I find really attractive he looks right through me

Answer 1

i used to have incredibly low self esteem as well...and i still do to a certain degree. when my skin is clear, my hair is finally doing what i want, and my favorite clothes are clean, i seem to feel better about myself. if people say you are pretty, then believe it. i have always had trouble thinking i'm pretty. some people say it, but others say that i am really, really ugly (take for example...this hot guy asked why my best friend was hanging out with me because i am "so ugly")...comments like those really decreased my self esteem. other guys have said i am "really hot" so i don't really know what to believe. but if you have ever heard the expression "fake it 'til you make it"....thats kinda what i did. i just decided that i would stop caring, and that i didn't mind whether or not the guy i had liked since 8th grade (i'm now in 11th grade) liked me anymore. i didn't even have enough confidence in myself to talk to him (he used to be my friend) because i was scared that he would think poorly of me. when i started telling myself that i no longer cared (even though i truly did) what people thought of me, i noticed changes in the people around me. i was no longer called ugly, but hot....it is amazing how your view (even if it is fake) of yourself changes the way others view you. i still have setbacks, but i am learning to think confidently. and i know that it is hard to think of yourself in a confident way, but once you start, you will notice changes....who knows, maybe your crush will end up liking you. the guy that i had liked since 8th grade and i are now friends, and he no longer "looks right through me" (which is exactly what he used to do). give it time, and work at thinking of yourself in a new light....if you tell yourself you don't care what other people think (even if you do), you will end up realizing that it has become true. i really do wish you the best of luck and i hope that this helped you!

Answer 2

I also have low self esteem and I have yet to conquer it. I could give you advice telling you to not care about what others think, etc. since it's easier to give than follow but I'll leave that to the other people. I have something else that came to mind.

Maybe somehow this is a lesson for you. You seem to be worried about how the "good looking" guys feel while ignoring the opinions of the less attractive guys. Just think about that for a moment. You're creating the same situation for the less attractive guys that you feel you're in because of the more attractive guys.

Answer 3

I'm guessing from your post that you're in high school? Oh girl - I remember those days - things get easier - I promise!. During high school, it seems that everything is about your "looks" - but that changes as you get older.

I was born with a defect that basically affects my entire face - even after multiple surgeries, I was still considered "ugly" by any standards. So - please don't be so hard on yourself - your situation could be much worse. It's made me a much stronger person - and to be honest, my fiancee (the love of my life), loves me for who I am, and not for how I look. Isn't that what you want? Someone who likes you for YOU - and not just for your body/beauty?

I've learned to embrace my differences (and learn to feel beautiful from the inside out). If you truely feel beautiful - then it'll seep out of your pores and people will see you as beautiful and sexy. I dress wonderfully, have amazing hair, wear things that make me feel elegant - and by just feeling attractive (regardless of my facial difference) you would not believe how much attention I get from men.

I hope this info helps. I think that if you try and be less superficial about other people - then you'll start to feel better about yourself. So the "less attractive" guy who has a thing for you - isn't he at least worth a conversation or something to get to know him as a person? If you don't want to be judged by your looks, then don't judge others that way :)

Answer 4

I think that the people that are telling you that you are pretty care about you and probably can see or sense that you have low self esteem. Don't be upset with them....they just care about you....and as you probably know....once you get to know a person...if you see that a person is a pretty good human being ...they tend to look attractive.You inner beauty starts to show from the inside out.
As for guys that you tend to think are attractive but do not notice you back...that does'nt mean anything....Everyone has a certain type that they are attracted to and you will not be everyones type....Start looking at who you do attract and pay them more attention....you may find out that they are beautiful on the inside....like you!

Answer 5

My heart goes out to you. My husband was just like you and unfortunately my beautiful daughter IS just like you. If you do not have confidence in yourself, it shows and people pick up on that. It is easier said than done, but you need to know who you are and what you want. When you do, what others say or think will no longer matter to you so much. Beauty comes from within as much as from the outer appearance. Always do your best. Also, why do you feel like a failure because the less attractive guy takes interest? By rejecting him soley on his looks, you are doing to him what his friend is doing to you. Not too fair. Pretty is as pretty does. You have to accentuate the positive in yourself. Be enough for YOU and it will shine through, therefore making you enough for anyone else.

Answer 6

It sounds like your low self esteem is centered around your appearence. Maybe you should try to focus on other things that you feel more confident about such as intellect or skills.

Hang out with people that think you're awesome. Seriously. It's really hard to have high self esteem if everyone around you is bringing you down all the time. By contrast, it's alot easier to feel good about yourself when you're with people that lift you up.

This may not be your cup of tea, but I'd try going to church. Sometimes religion helps people in their times of need. It may even change you life.

Answer 7

Well you're right--it's all about how you feel about yourself that determines how attractive you'll be to others. Through therapy over the years, my self-esteem issues that kept me from relationships have been improved substantially (I had an abusive upbringing). I'm far from perfect, and I'm sure I'll be working on it the rest of my life. But I can be in relationships now, and I can even start to believe it when my GF gives me compliments. Good luck! I'm sure things will work out for you in time. You sound like an intelligent, sensitive young woman.

PS: There's a good self-esteem message board at iVillage:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhselfesteem

Answer 8

I think it is important to remember that you want a man( guy) who sees you for who you are and loves you for that. Looks will always change. If someone was interested in you just for the way you looked, when you got older, heavier, stretch marks, etc. they would bail. And yes, some people ARE that shallow. Just as you shouldn't focus on getting a "good looking " guys attention just because he was good looking. I know this from experience. I was with a guy that was HOT...every woman's dream you might say...but he knew it..he was soo conceited, and SUCH a jerk. After a while, I literally saw him as UGLY. He was soo ugly inside that I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. After that I learned to look INSIDE... to get to know men for who they were. You will find that the more you like someone on the inside, the more attractive they will become, and that applies to you. You want someone who sees your good qualities, and is attracted to them. That is what lasts and is real. Be who you are, and give the people who see you for who you are the attention, and forget about the guys that are just into looks. They too will age, and their looks will change like everyone else's.

Answer 9

i have the same problem... and i wish i knew what to do too. the best i can think of is you need to find a way to develop self-value in things unrelated to your looks. something you're passionate about, so it will be interesting for you and you'll stick with it and get good at it. like learning a new instrument, if you love music. or a new sport, if you're athletic. stuff like that. i have observed that if you're confident and strong and don't care what they think, guys become attracted. but actually getting to that place seems to be the toughest thing of all.

Answer 10

with regards to your low self esteem problem, my opinion is that people with low self esteem problem usually have fear of negative outcome in dealing with the oposite sex. they are pessimistic about gaining the other party's love. i think people should take it easy and not to worry so much. if you like someone, tell him. if he rejects your love, so be it. you don't have to be worried about "what if he rejects me" blah blah blah... and just be yourself and don't have to do unecessary things hoping to impress the other party. its a waste of time and effort and any reasonable person will understand it. have you ever thought of it, what if the things you're going to do to impress him is something he despise a lot? this is my personal opinion. hope this help.