Lose Weight for My Husband?

Question

I made an awful mistake 4 1/2 years ago. My husband is slow when it comes to any change. I was 30 and needed to know my relationship with him was going somewhere. I gave him the utimatum and he gave me the ring---on one condition--that I get completely fit and trim. Mind you, I was around 165 and 5'5. Now we have a 2 year old and he is pressuring me to lose the baby weight. But I realize I don't want to do it for him. Maybe for me or for my daughter... In fact I feel like staying chubby just to spite him. He says he loves me but that love is not unconditional. I don't want to lose him but part of me will always wonder if he loves me for me. How can I fix this? Can it be fixed? I get the feeling that once I do lose the weight he'll find some other thing about me to hyper-focus on and critique. A marriage relationship is more complicated than "lose the weight" or "kick him to the curb". Any constructive advice on this matter is greatly appreciated.Thanks

Answer 1

Men are very visual. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. You agreed to his "condition" so don't hold it against him now. If you are happy with the way you are, then tell him so.
If not, then don't focus on who instigated the exercise, just do it! You'll feel better and have more energy to keep up with your two year old. Marriage is a big world of compromise. Ask him to work on something for you...maybe a special date once a week? That would be motivation for both of you. You could get dressed up and he could show you off.
As far as his love for you...is he there with you? Guys don't stay where they don't want to be. The question is, do you want to be with him. Maybe someone to talk to would help, councelors give an objective view to things. Was your mistake 4+ years ago marrying him, or trying to be someone you don't want to be? Or was your mistake not finding out why the state of your figure is so important to him. Maybe he has an underlying reason...a childhood memory, an insecurity, a need to feel like his whole life isn't out of his control or lost to the realities of parenthood.
There are going to be so many things in life you can't control...go with the things you can and you'll feel better. Decide what you want, and then let him know!

Answer 2

Oh, god, hon, if you're into spite, get a life... your marriage is in deeeeeeep trouble.

At 165, your BMI is really unhealtlhy.... and you entered into this marriage with a deal.... Be an honorable person, fulfill your end and loose it, hon... He wants you around to raise your children, he wants you to stay healthy for both of you, and to have an attitude of "I'm going to stay chubby just to spite him" is really a poor attitude. If you can't see that, maybe a session or two of counseling might help you order your priorities..... There is nothing more precious than a loving marriage, and you ought to be willing to do your end to keep it that way.... Loosing weight ---- healthy for you, healthy for you baby, healthy for your marriage, you'll live longer, your joints won't give out at 50, whatever..... and yadayadayada.

Of course a relationship is more complicated that LOOSE THE WEIGHT.... And of course he loves you, but hey, what if the roles were reversed, and you married him only on the condition that he loose weight -- you wouldn't have wished to be a widow and have the guy die of a heart attack..... See?? looks a bit different on the other foot, huh! If he were heavy, he'd be leaving you a widow to raise a child --- very sad, and not fun at all.....

So, sweets, suck it up get an attitude adjustment and loose it.

Answer 3

Love is suppose to be unconditional. He should have never proposed with a condition like that. You are who you are and he should love you for just that. Only when he gives you that will you be happy. He knew your body before you were married and should have accepted that. It is also more difficult for people unhappy to lose weight and let him know he is making you unhappy by pressuring you. Can you ask a bald man if he gets hair you will marry him? someone to quit smoking? someone to quit drinking? someone to not hang out with their buddies? People need to accept each other for the way they are and stop trying to change them. If they cant accept a person the way they are, then move on. There could be health reasons for peoples weight and it is not an overnite task. So he needs to be patient or you will become frustrated and say the hell with you. And yes should you decide to lose the weight do it for yourself and not for him. Good luck!

Answer 4

In the first place, it seems like you both have very different ideas about your relationship. There should not be "ultimatums" in any relationship. You cannot and should not try to "force" someone's hand, period. It just causes resentment and anger. To "stay chubby just to spite him" shows that you have a competitive side and want to win...this is not about winning, Marriage is a job, a very hard job, and if you and your husband are not on the same page emotionally, you should reevaluate whether or not you should move on. It does not sound like he loves you the way you want and need to be loved, and that will not be good for your daughter to see as she grows up. I agree that losing the weight should be for you, not just for him, But you have bigger issues than that to deal with first.

Answer 5

If he loves you it should be for whats on the inside, and for the baby girl you gave him. Sounds to me like he wants a Trophy wife, thats sad. If he didnt think you were beautiful enough to marry without losing weight why did he and you ever hook up in the first place. It shouldnt matter what you look like, unless your weight is so bad its unhealthy he has no buisness being this way, he sounds controlling and ignorant is he really worth it, do you want your daughter growing up feeling like she needs to fit the image of the men in her life in order to be loved and appreciated or do you want her to be her self and be strong. Life is too short lady, your husband is an a**hole. If you lose weight you said your afraid hell find something else wrong. If this is a reoccurring confrontation, maybe you need to ask if he really wants to be with you. Maybe hes trying to get you to walk away so he doesnt look like a bad guy. Id pack up and let him find his model women, and you can go find a real prince charming, and be happy again not just for you but for your daughter all the talk about divorce and how it affects kids needs reevaluating when your children live in an unhappy home its worse than only seeing daddy on the weekends. Get out, be beautiful for you, and give you baby the strength she needs to live life for her. Remember children learn what they live.

Answer 6

I agree you should never try to lose weight for someone else because usually what happens you don't keep it off. But you are aware that being overweight can cause a lot of health problems. Now the only person I would consider losing weight for is my child because you do want to be around to see her get her first boyfriend, prom, graduation, wedding and grandchildren. If not for him but do it for yourself, your child and future grandchildren.

Answer 7

Your husband can love you and still find it distasteful that you're heavy. I leave closet doors open and that drives mine crazy. And I believe he actually dislikes me when he sees another open closet door. Ditto for some of his habits.

It's part of being married. Or wait til your daughter does stuff you hate.

It's possible your husband is a bit embarassed by your weight. He expects you to live up to your side of the bargain and it appears you haven't. As o whether he'll find something else... you should already know the answer to that. You stated that you'd lose the weight to get married. During the time you were fit and trim and getting pregnant, did he get hyper-focused on something else? Then the answer is yes.

Answer 8

What a jerk!! He has no right to talk to you or expect that from you! so what if he leaves you, you will find someone better! Make him lose weight with you, if he's being picky, Im sure he's not fit and trim. He is being a jerk to you. I wouldnt take that from anyone. Don't lose weight for anyone but YOURSELF! Good Luck

Answer 9

It seems the 2 of you settled for all the wrong reasons.
I think the 2 year old is the best reason for any 2 people to get together. Now you got what you wanted, so you don't need him anymore, so yeah make him look else where for companionship, stick to your chubby self and you will probally get what you want again.

The 7 year itch, starts at 4 years, it just takes 3 more years to discover it was more than an itch.

Answer 10

You are in a tough situation. I would say you need to lose the weight, if you are really invested in keeping the marraige. I only say this because you made the agreement with your husband prior to getting married that you would, and you did already in fact live up to this agreement once. Had you not made this agreement, I would say stuff him and tell him to love you as you are or not at all.

I would, however, advise you to tell him how it makes you feel when he pressures you. Almost anyone with common sense responds negatively to pressure, or to someone telling them what they SHOULD or NEED TO do. He needs to understand that his reminders are actually working against him and that you will do it, but it needs to be in your own good time. In the end, I think you will be happy you did it, regardless of your motives, and losing weight will also give you a lot of self-confidence. At that point if he becomes hyper-critical about some other aspect of your married life, you will have the confidence and self-motivation to choose your own path wisely.

Just my thoughts... and good luck!