How to say No! and not feel guilty?

Question

As a mom of 5 grown kids, youngest being 16, I still find it hard to say no to any of their request of me. I know its my problem, I just do not know how to stop saying yes when i mean no and not feel guilty. I just want them to take the inituative, and not ask so much of me. I am getting burnt out. I need to get a life besides my kids. Help!! I am divorced, so there is no help there. My X even ask me to do things. I need some good advice Please

Answer 1

Well now that they are grown, you may have an easier job of it then if they were all under 10. Knowing where the source of your problem lies is a big step towards making a positive change for yourself. But if you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids. It's not too late to teach them a few valuable life lessons, (like you can't always have it your way).
I'll bet you have trouble saying no to more people than just your kids too.
There are two basic lessons that apply here.
1) You teach people how to treat you.
2) The only person you truly have any control over is YOU.

After a lifetime of being in the role of the traditional mom, you are now reaching a point where you can start to focus more on yourself, but old habits die hard. You are in for a battle with yourself, & you punish yourself with feelings of guilt when you go against your old habits, so stop doing that. You have already recognized the need for change, so you also have the capacity to change yourself on your own.

Take care of yourself & be well.

Answer 2

I feel your pain. I fell into that trap when I got a divorce 3 years ago. I guess in a way I felt like I needed to fill in all the gaps because their dad was no longer around and I found it very hard to say no. Whether it was driving them all around town, or buying them whatever they wanted, or letting a bunch of their friends stay over, I just couldn't find myself saying no to any of their requests. Until one day, I snapped out of it. I realized that I don't owe them anything other than my love. I realize that no matter how many times I say yes, it's sometimes not enough. I was created little monsters and I quickly snapped out of it. I began to say NO, even when my heart was aching to say yes. After a few NO's, I found that it got easier and easier. Don't get me wrong, it's not that you shouldn't do anything for your kids, but it's about doing those things that are important and keeping a balance where there is "mom" time and I don't feel used and taken advantage of. I love my children to death, but like any other child, the more you give, the more they want. You have to realize that you cannot be everything to your children. It's ok to say NO and not feel guilty. Try it. It might hard at first but it will get easier and your children will learn to be more appreciative as well. Just think, the world will not give them everything they want, so you're really not helping them understand life when you're running and jumping through hoops everytime they want something.

My advise is; don't give a yes or a no right away. Tell them you'll think about it. Then really think about what they're asking from you and decide whether it's a real need or just a plain bratty demand. I'm sure your kids will be shocked the first time they hear you say no, but they'll quickly realize that you are not on this world to serve them. It will put things in perspective for them and they'll learn how to appreciate and look after mom.

Trust me, I've done this and it works. I now feel ok when I say no and not that guilty feeling I used to feel before. If I can do it, then fine, but if I can't, then the answer is a BIG NO!! They know that mom loves them, but mom is NO servant! Good luck!

Answer 3

Maybe guilt isn't your problem as much as dealing with the fall out. Sometimes I just say yes because I'm so tired of saying no, no you can't have the candy, and then there are 20 questions and sometimes I'm just too tired. In order for me to "bone up" I have to remind myself that it's OK to say no, to have no explanation, to follow that by saying that I'm not going to argue about it, and to realize that the kids may be momentarily upset, but in the long run it doesn't mean I'm a bad parent. Start out small, start by saying no half the time that you wish you were saying all the time and see how it goes. Experiment and see if the back lash is really all that bad. I bet the kids wake up the next morning and they still love you!

Answer 4

It's up to you when u let people, co-workers, family members, kids and especially exes take advantage of you.
Do you get the same help from them if u need it, or you are just a doormat for everyone and a free service station?
No wonder you are getting burnt out.
Saying "No. Do it yourself please," may feel a bit strange to you at first, but believe me you are doing your kids a big favour, when they go out there into the real world to get real jobs, they might not have mommy to help them out. Stop being a push over and start looking out for yourself,
Good Luck.

Answer 5

Dear Sweatpea! You deserve a medal for being a great Mom! 5 children and no husband is quite a challenge and I take my hat off to you for trying to be the greatest mom.

It is a difficult position that you are in and children know just how to get around you being alone, no doubt threatening to go to their dad if you do not comply with their demands.

I suggest you sit down with them quietly one night and have a family meeting. Explain to them how terribly hard you are finding it to meet with all their demands, and what do they suggest you all do. Once you have heard what they say, you out with your own list of solutions and say that from now on this is the way its going to be. If they threaten to leave home, offer to pack their bags for them! They will quickly think again! Even if they do go to dad, they will be back sooner than you can imagine! Dont let them play on your emotions. Become assertive afterall you are the parent here! Be accountable and teach them the right things!
If they deserve a smack, you give it to them. Spare the rod, you spoil the child! Today children are very undisciplined. They need discipline, lovingly administered. If we want to raise children who need to be accountable in liffe, we need to teach them what is right and what is wrong!

Good luck to you!

Answer 6

Start training them.

They learned to ask, so you know they can learn. Start teaching them to do.

Gee, the youngest is 16, there shouldn't be anything they cannot do.

Just say no. Tell them you are willing to teach them, but for most of them, it's time to cut the apron strings.

You are doing them NO favors if you don't say NO to them.

They are grown kids physically, they need to become grown and independent emotionally and in their ability to care for themselves.

Remind yourself that every time you do something for them that they can do, that you are really doing harm to them, and stunting their growth emotionally.

Answer 7

oh man we have a problem, when these kids get in the real world they will expect everything they ask for, and i'
d hate to be the person to say to say no to them for fear of what they may do. you are spoiling these kids and pretty soon if not already they will take you for granted. learn to put your foot down and say no. They may not understand it now but they will later on and who knows they may thank you.

Answer 8

They will never take the intuitive to do anything, because they have you. You are a safe haven, when people have safe haven's they don't make any effort to do things on their part, because they know someone else will do it for them. Sometimes the people closest to you will be the first to use you. They are taking your kindness for a weakness, knowing you will not say NO!!!!

Answer 9

Well, you certainly have them all trained!
The next time someone asks something of you and you can't say no, attach a condition to it, "Yes, but this is the last time I will say yes. In the future, ask what you can do for me!"

Answer 10

What u do is give a reson to say no.Like if I asked for a car then u would say no because...If there is no reson then where is the harm in saying yes.This works even for the oldest of kids.