Help?? What can I do??

Question

My g/f was raped by two close friends about 6 months ago. I knew her before and still am with her after.I have learned to do certain things differently b/c certain ways that I used to touch her now cause flashbacks
She has been going to counsuling and we have gone to a few sessions together. Well at the last one(I couldn't attend, something came up) Her counsuler told her that she should have sex that it would help with her healing process. I was hesitant but finally agreed. About half-way through she wanted to stop so we did and she started crying. She said that even though it was a different setting, environment and time, she said in her head it was replaying
Is this normal??
I have explained to her many times that I would never sleep with her again if it meant she could heal.

Is her reaction normal?? I want to help her in any way possible and her counsuler is telling her to do things that make her sad.
Is six months long enough?? I felt horrible because I felt as though I caused her as much fear as the twi guys who raped her.

Should she have taken her counsuler's advice??

Answer 1

First of all, I can't believe the counselor told her to have sex. Was it a school counselor or a psychiatrist? I'd suggest she (and maybe you or her parents if she's fairly young) go see an actual psychiatrist and get some real help. Her reaction was normal and she's going to re-live the incident over and over, probably most of her life. I think the best thing for you to do is support her when she's emotional, reassure her that you love her and care about her, and don't have sex with her. I seriously can't believe the counselor told her that, though...it seems SO sketchy!

Answer 2

Rape is a traumatic event.
And a woman can replay that rape in her mind for a long time.
After Rape a woman may not feel safe anywhere anymore.
Her sense of trust has been altered.
Her sense of violation is tremendous, she feels like she has lost something very precious, her free will and her sense of self.
Healing takes time, and rape victims do not heal the same or in the same time frame as every other rape victim.
Unfortunately some relationships can shatter because of a rape.
Some women never get over it.
Some women just need time, some more than others.
She can only resume sexual relations when she is ready, not because a counselor tells her she should.
If she feels it is too soon, she won't heal.
She will eventually come to terms with what happened most of the time and things will return to more of what is normal to her.
Everything she is going through is normal.
It seems as if you love her very much, so just continue being supportive and be patient. Don't lose patience.
You will one day come back to the place where you were before this happened.
Anger is common, for both her and you. Frustration is normal as well.
She will heal, you just have to remember that.
And if you are willing to wait, then you love her very much and this will help her in the healing process.
You can't change what happened, not one bit.
You have to pick up the pieces that's all.
Even if the counselor says something may be helpful, doesn't mean it will be.
Only she will be able to know when the time is right.
You can be there for support and assurance, but ultimately only she can decide when the time is right.It is very commendable of you to stick by her with your patience.
And let her tell you things when she is ready no matter how shocking they may sound.
Let her dictate what is right for her, not the counselor.

Answer 3

Well first of all, i really admire u very much, for sticking by Ur girlfriend through this horrible time in her life. U know most guys would had left but u didn't so i really respect u. Well with this said there are different ways people grief or get over situations, and in Ur g/f case it not having sex. what u need 2 do 2 show that Ur there 4 her, is just respect the fact that is going 2 take a long time 4 her to deal with the situation and what u need 2 do is show her that u will always be there 4 her in her time of need, in short she doesn't need a sex partner she needs a good friend. in Ur question u said that she was replaying when she got raped in her head, and yes its very normal cause it shows that she has not gotten over it yet, she maybe didn't want 2 do it but since her counselor said she should she did it either way. i wish u good luck with u and Ur g/f . PS get a new counselor cause a real one would never say this to a rape victim

Answer 4

I was raped when I was 14, and it still affects me in some ways to this day. There is no time line to get over being raped, and her reaction seems totally normal to me. She was willing to give it a try, but that doesn't mean it would go perfectly. She tried. This time she cried and couldn't continue, next time her reaction may be different. It may not be like it was before the rape, but if you keep trying and be patient and give her plenty of love and time, things will eventually get better. She will never be the way she used to be, and it could take years to get to where she feels totally comfortable sexually again. Be patient. You sound like a really sweet guy, just keep doing what your doing, and I hope you two can work it out.

Answer 5

The counselor is right. Why? Because I am a rape victim, 8 years ago I was raped and it affected me most for about the first 1 to 2 years, I wouldnt let no onbe touch me I also went years without a boyfriend, I just wanted to be alone. But, since the years have passed you will realize that you were not living the life you want because your constantly in fear of someone hurting you. As the time goes by she will get better, just be strong for her because it is a very difficult situation.

Answer 6

Your g/f needs time to heal. Maybe she needs to find a different counselor. Standing by her side is the support she needs more than anything right now. Know that when she is comfortable with herself again that you will be there to comfort her and ease her pain. Taking things slowly is what is most important to her, she will need to learn to relax around you again, and only then will sex be on her mind, in a good way. Breaking down those barriers after a traumatic event takes time, patience, love, and understanding. Your being there means a lot. Good Luck!

Answer 7

I hate to use this analogy but its like if you fall off a horse and you say I'm never going to get back on it again, then you'll always be afraid of the horse. So if you take your time and seek help then go get on the horse you're conquering a fear that you've let control you.

I was raped by an exboyfriend when I was a freshmen in high school. I was afraid of being alone with people it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl. So one day a girl came up to me in the hallway my junior year in high school and told me that he had took advantage of her and asked me if he'd done the same thing to me. I didn't know what to say so I walked away. After that I knew that I had to say something because I felt responsible for not saying anything.

The point is that maybe your girlfriend needs to speak out to people and tell them her story so that she moves on with her life. If she stays bottled up in the past then she's not doing anything but harming herself. It's not her fault and she has to know that. Just support her and be there for her. It may take a while but if you're willing to work on it then I take my hat off to you because I know firsthand how hard it is.

Answer 8

I would say its normal, rape is a very tough think to put away, and six months is just way to recent, I'd give her time and as for her therapist, maybe you can find someone else who will be a little more sympathetic. I can't see how having sex so soon would be beneficial, than again I am not a doctor....IT just doesn't feel right.. just support her and let her gradually ease into it in her time, you seem like a very nice person and I wish you both well, may she find a way to regain her inner peace. God Bless both of you.

Answer 9

It's probably normal. I'd say that she should have sex again but only when she's ready. It's really great that you are staying with her since I know this is probly very difficult for you. If she doesn't like her counselor, she should try to find a new one.

It could be that her counselor is trying to help her move forward, but everything is moving too fast for her. Only she can decide when it's right for her to move on.

Keep supporting her, unfortunately there's not a lot more you can do.

Answer 10

the question in my mind is why have sex when that is the reason for the flash back. Sounds like your girlfriend has some post traumatic stress. Sex is the worst thing for her at the moment. she needs time to heal.And a good psychiatrist. Also there are plenty of good self help groups aimed at helping women help themselves. There is nothing like talking to someone who has been through the same thing that she has been through. Hope she gets better.