Should I forget about my brother while he's in prison?

Question

*My brother is doing long time in prison and they're suggesting me to not be a comfort and support to him while he's feeling pain behind bars!My brother did wrong,yes I know,but what is your opinion should I just "let him go" or "motivate" (not change) him to think in a better direction.His psychiatrists suggested that we take a look at this:

A more extreme form of this has been called "tough love," meaning letting someone go through a painful life experience without interference for the sake of its greater educational value. This can be an excruciating experience for loved ones, who must avoid the urge to step in and rescue the person from that pain (but thereby interfere with the loved one having a much-needed growing experience).
This detachment does not mean avoiding the feeling of empathy; it is actually more of an awareness of empathetic feelings that allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to engage or be overwhelmed by such feeling

A pissed off but open-minded Chicana

Joe C-thank you for the biblical scriptures,appreciate it

Answer 1

It sounds as if you answered your own question. No one should be alone. Even the bible says that we are to visit those in prison. That's why we have 'prison ministries'. The only problem is some are not all that knowledgeable in what to say or do when they get there. Sometimes wisdom is far greater than 'good intentions'. It's like a young inexperienced mother who will not discipline her child because the child doesn't like it. Some of us are to do things because it's a necessity rather than if it pleases the heart. I beleive that when you do visit your brother you should commit to being strong and bring him love and truth. That means that you don't support him in his wrong but in the fact only that he is your brother and he must pay his debt to society. Only God and the Government can 'pardon' him from his debt and you should not forget that that is not your job because if someone has help in believing the wrong thing how will he strive for the right thing?. If you punish your child to three minutes in time out for doing wrong and allow him to leave anytime before that then you may as well get ready to visit him in there too. Tough love is reminding someone that although they are loved they are espected to be responsible citizens that are expected to respect the rights of others and value the lives of others and live a life that contributes to the good rather than the bad of society. Tough love means you are there for them but will never support their wrong actions. In my lifetime I have witnessed many mothers and dads get the word 'love' confused. I seen parents cuss teachers and coaches out for things that could've been dealt with with words and a willing hear. II Corinthians 13 will definitely help in that matter. I do hope that you will be the one to really help your brother understand his need to think and see lifes choices differently and that he will ever be convicted of doing the right thing. I truly believe that if you desire to you will be the light in his life. Stay strong my sista I have no doubt that he needs you in his life but only if you do not reinforce his wrong way of thinking or actiing. Other than that, you just may only be a hinderance to his ability to see clearly. I'll be praying for you and your brother.

Answer 2

Tough Love is a useful tool that can and has had good results.
I think his "Tough" is his now long term sentence.
The line can get cloudy with tough love, what is enough, what is too much, or not enough?
The bottom line is this.. he is your brother and does not stop being your brother no matter what crime he has committed.
While the intention of Tough Love is to snap someone out of their behavior, and teach them a lesson, it does not require the withdrawal of love and support.
For example, if an adult child is an addict and steals from you, you must not allow him in your home until his addiction and behavior are dealt with and corrected.
Likewise, a minor child who exhibits disruptive and/or dangerous behavior must be snapped out of it and turned around, sometimes causeing parents to take some drastic measures.

But the person whom we must teach a lesson, or modify their behavior, will never change their behavior without love and support.
Your brother is getting some harsh reality right now with his sentence. Should you stop supporting him? No.
He needs alot of support right now.

When someone feels abandoned, they most times feel no incentive for change.
You must however, make him realize that you want him in your life the right way. That you need him.
You need him to be your brother.
He's got alot of time now to think. He has alot of time to seek the answers for his life.
You can help him in your own way, but ultimately he will have to change on his own.
How long you stay detached is the real issue.
Should you? Perhaps to an extent, at first.
Give it a little time to really sink in to him, where he is at and why.
Then you start showing that you still love him and are supportive of him.
Tough Love is a case by case basis. It does not work for everyone.
It works well, but is not the answer for everyone.
You must do what is right for him, and what you feel in your heart.
It is never, ever, a good decision to take away love from a family member, no matter what they do. You can show your disapproval and desire to see them change.
He will need support. So give it to him if it is in your heart to do so.
What good will taking away what little comfort someone has when serving long time prison sentences, other than causing feelings of sadness and abandonment for the person serving the sentence and the loved ones outside the bars.

Ultimately...the decision is yours.
And no one elses.

Answer 3

Hi, I am new writing on here, but I have a son that is also incarcerated. I believe that you should not totally cut them out . You dont have to condone what they have done to put themselves in there, and yes you can encourage them to put all behind and start fresh. The tough love part is that you always tell them that you know what you did was wrong and dont condone , but on the other hand I believe that they still need your support .He still is your brother and not perfect. Love unconditionally. Just remind him ofthe wrong and that he knows right from wrong. There are also possitive things he can do in there like take classes or try to get signed up for a work camp, there is always house release too, but I will not do that that would be putting myself in prison. Thare is also work release .He can get good time off for doing some of those things. Merry Xmas, and a Happy New Year.Good Luck!!

Answer 4

I agree with the people above. If you think about it logically, if your brother goes through a really tough time in prison, just forgetting him will result in a major emotional pain. He won't have a family to fall back on. He might not talk to you again. Also, think about this. Parents are there for the first half of life. After that, you start to take care of them. Spouses come too late. But siblings. Siblings are forever. You need to establish the best relationship possible. Your brother would appreciate the fact that you supported him. You also need to establish that, he did wrong, but you still support him. That shows a strong relationship.
He needs you right now...

Answer 5

Don't forget about him! Please! The worst thing you could do would be to turn your back on him! I know it is hard to watch a loved one do something stupid and have to deal with the aftermath of their actions... but prison is a very very lonely place! You have no idea how much a short letter would mean to him while he is behind bars! He needs to know that when he gets out of prison he will have you there to support him. By sticking by him during such a tough time, you will give him hope that when he is released he can change his before-prison ways and become a better person. So many people have no support, and when they are released no one is there to help them, and they return to a life of crime! :) It might be hard, but support him unconditionally. Wouldn't you want the same?

Answer 6

Oh my what do you feel? If you want to go see your brother go see your brother!
Those people who are telling you about this tuff love more then likely read it in there book somewhere and never had to go through it! What do they know! Squat about the real world! This is your family your life!
These so called professionals I feel talk out there behinds sometimes! They have there studies etc. But ask the person if they ever personally went through it themselves, more then likely they will change the subject etc. Most of those professionals are on more drugs then the average person and have many problems of there own.
As I said if you feel you need to see your brother do it, love is forever and very strong. Much stronger then these so called professionals will ever be able to diagnose! Quacks is all they are lol!

Answer 7

Oh gosh your bro has done wrong i am sure he knows that Don't leave him rotten in Prison he is your blood what ever he has done Blood is Blood would he leave you in prison ?? i don't think so be a sister and write to him
tough love when you are behind bars is not needed because when you visit him that's tough love you walk away he has to go back to his cell think that is a tough enough job don't you think
good luck i no you will do the right thing i can feel that you no what to do
respect
shaz

Answer 8

I agree that stepping in and rescuing may not be the answer. Despite the image he may try to portray he feels isolated, scared, and perhaps confused. What is going to help him is his knowing that he is supported and valued.

Remind him of the control he still has in his life and the positive choices he has made/will make. True, he is in prison, but he still makes choices that either end in positive or negative consequences. If he becomes aware of what he wants, what he is doing to get what he wants (choices), he will develop an awareness of his strengths, abilities, and control.

This way, you are still being supportive while allowing him to find his own solutions.

Answer 9

If I were close to my brother I would have a hard time just throwing him to the side, If I would go see him I would let him know that I felt he did wrong but to just let him sit in there with no family contact would be hard, I'm sure he's having a hard time in there and not being able to talk to family would be even harder, Good luck to you on whatever you do, your heart will let you know what is best for you and your brother.

Answer 10

did he quit being your brother because he made a mistake? if you loved him before, why stop now. if he commited a horrible crime, i can see your pause, dont forget the act, but dont forget your family either. he may not want visitors, send him a card or writing paper with envelopes and stamps, making sure he knows your address. in prison, he ll pay for his crime... but he has to have a reason to get through it. my brother was convicted of involuntary manslaughterand had to do time, i did my best to help him, his wife and 2 kids out. love is unconditional, if you love your brother, help him deal with this, let him know how you feel, but most important, let him know he s still got family. I never visited him cause he wanted it that way , but he knew i was there.