We have 2 children ages 14 and 11. We feel that we should seperate be we no longer wants to be together. I have been with him for 16 years and married for 3. My daughter is starting to feel some kind of way about us seperating But in my mind she is old enough to understand what is going on. How can I make her understand what I am trying to say. This seperation is mutual and it is time to go. Now I am 29 years old and I have things that I am trying to accomplish and he is not there where I am. What should I do?
2006-12-18 03:03:28 · 12 answers · asked by bigtosh3 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Don't worry about the children. Do whatever makes you and your husband feel good. They don't need a stable family situation with a father who lives in the home. As long as you are happy, that's all that matters.
2006-12-18 03:32:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about this...If you leave and start a new life with a different man, you will just repeat all the b/s that you've all ready gone thru with your husband....You were together for 16 long *** years and now neither of you wants to make it work...why? Just what are you trying to accomplish that cant be done while you are still together? There must be more to the story than that. 16 years of shaking up and 3 years of marriage...what happened! You are both the same people you were 3 years ago! You will always be you and he will always be him! So you've finally matured a little bit and want more out of your life...to exclude your man wont make it any easier. We all think that relationships are negotiable and if it gets a little hard we walk away and start over with someone new. Why don't we ever start over with the ones we are with?
2006-12-18 11:21:12 · answer #2 · answered by Adrienne C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your children will pick up on your problems with your spouse. It is best to just explain everything in a family sit down with all involved and tell the children it's not their fault that you are both parting ways and that you will try to make the separation as easy as possible for them. Tell them they can ask questions and you will be open to answer them. Also, make sure that they know it is mutual and you both agree. Do not show the children any bad behavior between the spouses and always talk with respect when talking about each other. The children will love you more and handle the whole situation alot better if they know the parents are handling it ok and respectful to one another.
2006-12-18 11:13:49 · answer #3 · answered by Andrea D. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've already made up your mind what you ARE going to do, and it sounds to me as if you aren't going to be satisfied till you do it. So you are just going to have to do what is obvious. Tell the children what is happening, and then - together, and amicably if at all possible - if for no other reason, the sake of the children - commence your divorce process, with everying that involves regarding the family home, the finances, and the disposition of all other joint and several possessions.
I hope you have already constructed your post-divorce plans, especially as far as who is going to be the physical guardian of the two still underage children, child support, how you intend to support yourself, where you are going to live, and who is going to be responsible for what outstanding financial commitments may exist.
It would probably be adviseable to at least consult a divorce attorney, who I am sure could draw your attention to a few essentials that you may have not thought of, in order that the whole process, from start to finish can be as smooth, and clearly understood as possible by both parties.
2006-12-18 11:25:00 · answer #4 · answered by sharmel 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Mutual" means the TWO of you feel the same way. Unfortunately, you have involved a third and fourth person in your marriage: your two children. Is it mutual for them? You say you have things YOU are trying to accomplish, but what about your daughter? It's wrong to bring children into a family and then to dissolve the family for self-centered reasons. You must take everyone into account in your decision, because that is the adult, responsible thing to do.
2006-12-18 11:13:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You fell in love with someone else which you should have never done. You can't just fall inlove with someone all of a sudden, you had to actually work at it. Now you are bored with your relationship and want to put your children through a divorce because you didn't value what you had in the first place.
Rethink your priorities. Stop becoming emotionally involved with people other than your spouse and try to remember why you fell inlove with your spouse in the first place. Seek counseling, do whatever it takes to save your family because divorce is a LOT uglier than you think, especially for the children.
2006-12-18 11:11:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
THe children are not old enough to "understand" and don't fool yourself into thinking they do or they will. they can understand part. you have to explalin the situation truthfully to the kids, but not in a lot of detail, and not making him the bad guy. give them some input on things like where they will live, go to school, etc.
give them some control. look from their perspective "what will happen to me" this is harder on kids than you think, and they will have big responses (my parents separated when i was 14 and it "ruined my life" at the time). they will get through it in time but it is not easy. YOu need to set up the financial and living arrangments and how the kids will get to/from school, etc. all the logistics stuff that will have to happen for them. consider saving the marriage by pursuing marshall rosenberg's nonviolent communication. if you find another guy it might turn out that your interests will diverge, too and you will have to leave that one, too.
2006-12-18 11:10:02 · answer #7 · answered by BonesofaTeacher 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Whatever ages your children are, they are aware that your marriage is not good. You should end the marriage and do what you have to do. Just make sure that your children still feel your love and make sure that they understand that they did not end your marriage.
Do not stay together for your children or wait for your children to understand, because either way you will hurt your children by not being honest and by giving them a bad example of love.
Take care,
Troy
2006-12-18 11:21:10 · answer #8 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your kids (especially) would benefit tremendously from counseling at this time. A counselor can help (as a third party) to point out to your daughter that she loves you and wants to see you happy as you want her to be happy. Comming from you it will sound like your being selfish. You have a lot to deal with and your kids need to vent their feelings about this to someone impartial. Good Luck
2006-12-18 11:11:04 · answer #9 · answered by T S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you guys agree on this, Then it is time ,you cant stay together for the kids this will breed resentment between the two of you.You need to let the kids see it is ok, work with eachother. Kids have trouvle with change but life is change. make this one as easy as you can. act like mature adults and you may need to get counciling for them but thats ok to.
Good luck
2006-12-18 11:22:58 · answer #10 · answered by loveamouse7767 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋