Wife uninterested in making love. What can I do, really?

Question

My wife and I have had issues in the past (many of them were issues with me that were valid and I am working hard to address).
While things have improved some, I remain worried because we have little or no physical relationship - which I feel is important for a marital relationship. We have a 5 year-old and a 3 year-old and she refuses to do anything about them sleeping - or at least falling asleep in our bed. I carry them up to their room, but, by that time, she is asleep (she goes to sleep around 8:00 every night. She complains about always being tired. She does have a thyroid issue and is taking medicine - but her level of medication is not enough and she won't go to the doctor to get it adjusted. We have only had sex about 4 or 5 times in the last year. I'm only 43 and have a high sex drive. She used to. This has been going on for almost 3 years (out of a 6 yr marriage). What can I do, if anything, besides staying loyal (which I have) and supporting her?? At wits end...

I have repeatedly suggested in the past we seek counseling and she just answers that there is not enough time in the day to do that...

My wife has hypothyrodism - which does explain many of her symptoms - always feeling cold, no energy, etc.

Wife sometimes complains that "all I think about is sex." But I HAVE been complimenting her on her appearance, sending flowers, taking her to dinner, hugging, holding hands. I've tried being as romantic as I know how to be.

I really don't think she is having an affair. We are both very busy. She is a teacher and we have three kids. She is right when she says there is not a lot of time in the day. also, her job is VERY VERY stressful - self-contained special education class.

Should add that I do my very best to do half the housework - laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. I get the kids dressed every morning, make lunch boxes, and so on....

Also, found it interesting that recently she was asked by a female friend to attend a art association party (she was going without her husband and my wife didn't think I would be interested - so I stayed home watching kids). She had no problem staying up to 2:30am - and admitted she hadn't realized how late it was...

Answer 1

It seems as though you have a few issues going on. I would suggest you make a list and tackle them one by one to avoid confusing one issues with another.

1. Your wife is still using your marriage bed as a family bed. It's not good for the kids and it's not good for your marriage. Goal: This needs to stop.

2. Your wife is falling asleep before you get to bed. This pattern will obviously have a detrimental impact upon your sex life. It must also greatly affect the amount of alone couple time you can have together after the kids go to sleep. This pattern will lead to lack of emtional and physical intimacy and must be stopped. Goal: She needs to stay awake until you come to bed (at a reasonable hour).

3. Your wife has a thyroid problem that is affecting her energy level. It may also affect her sex drive. She refuses to seek treatment. Goal: Make her aware of the consequences of her refusal -- See #2 (and I'm sure there are other issues as well).

4. She doesn't seem to be feeling any empathy toward you and your needs. Goal: Make it clear to her what your needs are. Insist that she get treatment for her medical issues. Insist that the two of you get counseling to find your way back to being an actual couple and a real family.

Answer 2

First you need to get her to a doctor and make sure that her medicine is correct and find out if one of the side effects is a lower sex drive.

Then, as she is starting to feel better begin to romance her all over again. Help her remember the man she fell in love with. Start taking pride in your appearance&smell when your at home.
Buy her romantic cards and leave them places unexpected for her to find. Send her flowers. Maybe something sparkly...

I'll be honest with you. After I had my three kids, my sex drive all but shut off. I don't know why, I didn't love my husband any less, I was just so tired all the time and worried about the kids, and healing from the c-sections(had 3). Add to that I was working 50+ hours a week and trying to keep my housework up. Things started to get better for us when the kids got a bit older and I cut my hours in half at work and started back to school for what I wanted to do. My husband's support for me following a lifelong dream is amazing and has helped in more ways than I can say. You have to remember that women look at sex in a differnt way ...some of us can take it or leave it no matter how we feel about our partner. What ever you do don't make her feel obligated or guilty about you "suffering" from a lack of sex. There is far more to being married than sex. When you get through all of this your marriage will be stronger for it.

Answer 3

Try these:
1. Have sex in the morning before the kids get up.
2. Ask her in advance if you can make an appointment to have sex at a specific time.
3. Ask her if it's OK for you to wake her up in a sexual way when you return from putting the kids to bed.
4. Find a baby sitter and rent a cheap motel room once a month.
5. Talk to her about what it is about you that she is holding a grudge about and reassure her that you are still working to improve yourself.
6. Tell her you miss her physically.
7. Have quickies in the afternoon, with the bedroom door locked.

Answer 4

Speaking from experience, sometimes there is nothing you can do. I tried romance, flowers, I even did all of the cooking and cleaning and still nothing. In my case I believe she was just no longer in love with me and we wound up divorced. You didn't mention her age but you are 43. You both are old enough to know that you each have needs. If your wife truly has medical issues preventing intimacy she should want to get help without you forcing her to.

Answer 5

There is always time enough in a busy and hectic day to take care of something that is important. It seems to me that the relationship, to her, is not important. You should confront her on this issue. Maybe, I hope I'm wrong, she is having an affair? Ask her straight out without accusing her. Ask "have you lost interest in me." Listen closely to her answer. If you get the hint she has, and she refuses to go to marriage counsiling, you may have to reevaluate from there.
Best of luck-

Answer 6

I feel for you and hope things get better. Maybe part of her being tired is also depression, I actually started hot flashes and some of the extreme pre-period depression at 40. I am 47 now and chase my husband around, when we were going through our "hard year" which was right before that we went between holding back (like a revenge) and wanting more for the contact because we felt we were losing each other. Sometimes in the middle of the night. I gained weight and personally am on the verge of hyperthyroidism too. I went on a low carb diet with soymilk vitamin shakes in the morning (great for flashes) lost 38 lbs (great for self esteem) and found myself again. In the meantime, my husband and I were learning to be friends first and then lovers. We would hang out and play Scrabble on PS2 and drink winecoolers for a hot date. Or go to the movies and out for starbucks and remember to get to know why we married this person again. Maybe she needs that attention. I am also on Yasmin birth control to "level" out my system (estrogen) while stopping me from being so tired and depressed to the point of crying that one day before my period all day. It could be more physical than mental and both affect each other.Get her to take walks with you. Share your friendship and her arms will be around you again. I'm so glad I kept my friend! He just took me to NYC for my BD and kissed me on the Empire state bldg and on a carrige in Central Park. Why would I want more? GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

Counseling.

Answer 8

It sounds like you have to take matters into your own hands !