Christmas with the In-laws - Help!?

Question

I feel like a jerk for not wanting to spend my entire Christmas with my in-laws. Here's the situation. My Mom, who I loved more than anything, passed away in Jan. 2000 at age 52. Ever since then the Holidays and Birthdays just aren't the same. I'm sure feeling this way is normal. It's not that I don't enjoy them anymore, but they are just 'different' now. Now that I'm married, I'm excited to start building some new Christmas memories and traditions of my own. I would like my wife and I to spend the Holidays together and decorate and do our own thing. But every year we go spend 3 nights with her parents and family for Christmas. Her family is great but I would like us to do our own thing too. My wife is so excited about us going to stay with them, it's almost like she's a kid again to hear her talk about it. Where as I am kind of dreading it. Do you think that I'm a jerk for feeling this way about the situation?

Answer 1

No, it is normal, you are not a jerk. Could you think of some traditions to do with the family, before you go to the in-laws? If your wife enjoys going home so much, it would be a shame to deny her. Decorate your own tree, make a party out of it Go see the Christmas lights around town, even our little town has a big display for charity. Pick a night for Christmas movies, turn the wife loose on that one, and have a special dinner or party. Buy her a present, big or small, and give it to her before you go to the in-laws. Get some mistletoe, and use it!
Sounds like you are not quite ready to leave the traditions of the past in the past, maybe it is time to face it, and move on. It took awhile, but I did it. My parents are both gone, and the house sold to strangers. I carved out my own Christmas, and had a ball last year, decorating, partying, the whole Christmas. You don't ever forget the past, just substitute something else new. You have the right idea! Try throwing yourself into the in-laws party, you might find out that you did the right thing, and enjoy yourself.
Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

Answer 2

I don't think you're wrong to feel this way. Do you have children? If so I think it is important for them to take part in your own traditions and building them can be fun. Three days with the in-laws is a bit much. Have you talked to your wife about your feelings? Do they live far away and is that why your wife is so excited? Have a talk with the wife and let her know that while you think her family is great it's time to make some changes, she should compromise. Good luck and Happy Holidays.

Answer 3

No, your not a jerk.

I am sorry about your mom. Both of my parents are gone.

You didn't mention kids, so I assume you two don't have any.

I have always felt that the holiday season is for the kids. And your wife is somebody(s)' kid.

I bet you loved to spend the holiday with your mom and your mom enjoyed spending the time with you. Your wife and her family probably enjoy the holidays for the same reasons your mom and you did. Let them have that.

You can start new family traditions when your older. Maybe when (or if) you have kids of your own.

Spend those three nights with your in-laws and help your wife count her blessings.

Answer 4

No I don't think you are a jerk to feel like that I dread going to my family reunion because I have felt like for many years that they didn't care about me. but this year they seem to treat my husband and I little better. Like you my parents are gone. My mom died last year and it doesn't seem right her not being there. or dad not being there too. well next year tell your wife that you want to stay home for christmas and spend some time with her. I know she wants to see her family but go the dayor two before good luck and Merry Christmas.

Answer 5

No you're not being a jerk. You're just being human. I do know
how you feel. My mother died 23 days before Christmas in 1992
and it is still painful. But I went to the inlaws for my husband and children sakes. But the thing is that we did'nt stay as long as the
rest of family. We only stayed for a short while and then we went
to visit my mothers grave before going home. Now that we have
lost both of our mothers we no longer have the family gathering.
Talk with your wife and let her know how hard it is for you. Ask
her if it would be ok with her if you can cut the visit earlier.

Answer 6

Maybe you can compromise.Go spend one day with the folks and the rest of the w-end on your own.When my parents and then husbands parents died, it took a few years for a normal holiday.We just concentrated on the kids.This year the kids are gone and the grand kids can't make it either.We are going to start our very own new tradition.I don't know what it is yet, but we'll get through and so will you.

Answer 7

No. I was in a similar situation. Both my parents dies when I was fairly young. My wife lives a long way from her parents and family, so we went there every christmas, normally for a week. I would rather have had christmas in my own house. Now her dad has died, her mum comes to us for christmas, and we go to her for new year.

Answer 8

The birth families that you "both" married out of or into (however one wants to put it) are suppose to have separate CHRISTmas celebrations later in the evening or on another date - or come to your house and invite everyone....have them bring all the favorite dishes to pass. Your home will already be cleaned up and decorated for the festivity.

Answer 9

It's probably a little late for this year, but next year you should book a vacation for the two of you at a nice resort somewhere warm for the Christmas holidays. Just do it and surprise her with it as a gift.

Answer 10

i know that she is excited about going home, but have you mentioned to her your desire to create your own holiday traditions and memories??

i love going home for the holidays and any time really, that's just how i am with my family. however, my husband couldn't care less about going home ever. he doesn't get along with his family all that well.

so, we went home for thanksgiving, but we are staying home for christmas. i, like you, want to have our own christmas, especially since it's our son's first christmas. eventually, santa will start coming to our house and it won't be the same to have santa come to grandma's house.

take care:)