How to leave my husband without it turning ugly?

Question

I have been married for 14 years.We have never gotten along and latley things have just been boiling over more and more.I just cannot see myself staying here with him much longer.However there are 2 complications,my kids.They are 11 and 13.He threatens he will take them and not let me see them.I only have a limited income and I don't want him to use that against me.He tries to buy them off.Most of the time he is a jerk to all of us,unless he is trying to get on their good side,he will buy them things.He won't pay bills,he never has,he works,self employment,he makes good money in the summer but I have never known how much.He has his money and I have mine.He knows how much I have and I pay what I can.I just want him to leave so I can get the divorce started.He is not going to leave without a fight and I want to make sure I have custody of my kids when it all goes down.I have the papers filled out but for the kids I am waiting until after Christmas.If you have any thoughts please share!

Answer 1

Well if you do get divorced you will find out how much money he really makes and everything becauses you will be entitled to half of it. He can threaten all he wants but its up to the judge who has custody. Sometimes you cant control if from being ugly it just happens. Just try and work things out without coming across as a pushover. your best bet would be to already start talking with an attorney and see what your options are and whats best for you.

Answer 2

I'm not sure what state you are in, but for the most part the states will usually give custody to the mother (if she is the best for the kids). They will look at who actually provides more for the kids (not income)..who gets them up for school, takes them to appts, activities, provides the food, etc. It has nothing to do with income (my opinion), if you can provide a home, food, etc for them, then the courts will be on your side. The kids are at the age as well where they can decide where they want to live (if the courts wish)

From this point on, document EVERYTHING! What bills you pay, what bills he pays, things said between you two, events that happen (good or bad). Go buy a notebook and start a journal..write every darn detail down. When you go to court (and you will) everything that has happened will be documented and you can recall everything. I can’t stress enough to do this!

There is a down side to all this.....until there is a court order in place....he can take the kids from you and there is nothing that can be done. If you have them and they go to school, he can legally pick them up from school and DOES NOT have to return them to you.

So before you start this please remember this part. It doesn’t matter what precautions you take, nothing can prevent him (even the cops won't touch this, it's considered a civil matter) from taking the kids until there is some kind of temp orders stating who has custody and what the visitation schedule is.

I could really go on and on about this...but if you want more information or have more questions, just email me here

Answer 3

Why did you stay for soo long? Typically a child custody battle will look at more than just income. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you talk with your children first, and don't lie to them. Explain everything, so there are no secrets your husband can use against you. This will be hard on them, but if you are positive that there is nothing that you can do to make your marriage work, you need to get the ball moving so your kids don't think an unhealthy marriage is the norm.

Answer 4

It sounds like he is controlling and abusive. You can easily claim that he is not fit to have custody of your children. You can also show the court that he does not always pay the bills and yet he makes ample money to do so.

You can show the court that you work hard and take care of your children. Many women have dealt with abusive husbands and have won. Just take it a step at a time.

Visit a service for battered women. The term battered may sound strong, but emotional abuse counts too. They can help you develop a strategy to get out and take your children with you. While you can do it on your own, it is much better if you have help.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 5

It's going to be nasty no matter how you do it. He will continue to play the kids against you. File the papers, as planned, but be careful to say nothing negative about him to your kids, or within their hearing. Courts will generally award custody to the mother. He would have to prove you unfit, and it doesn't sound like that is the problem. Make certain you get an order for child support, that will help you out a great deal financially. Best of luck!

Answer 6

Sorry to hear a bout this. You are doing a good thing by waiting until afetr the holidays.

Unfortunately, you cannot avoid the ugly when it comes to divorce. You can try to talk to him and try to be calm and tell him that things are not working out and that you know that neither of you is happy and that is best not to drag things any further. Tell him that you would like joint costudy with you having physical costudy of the kids. Tell him that you don;t want to use the children to hurt each other, and that you ask him to be civil and that your would like to negotiate with him instead that having a long court battle that ultimatly is going to hurt everyone.

Enphasize that you would like things to keep civil for the kid's sake.

Good luck

Answer 7

You need an attorney, your OWN attorney. Your income isn't a factor, he'll have to pay you temporary support until permanent support is determined.

Drug use or family violence are 2 things that sway the court. Otherwise they will push for 50/50 timeshare and custody.

Good luck and there really isn't a "better" way to do this- just get it started and the healing will come sooner.

Answer 8

Sorry but you are in for a battle sounds like. It appears some parents always try to hurt the other by using the children. I hope you allow your children to see what is happening without getting angry. If they choose to believe him you can only show them love and stability. Do not fall for the trap of using same method as him. That often allows the children to use that to their advantage. A broken home is traumatic enough. If their father has to buy their love he is a sad example of a father.

Answer 9

You are in a very difficult position. My advice for your consideration is this. First of all you will need to come to terms with things "getting ugly". Things already are ugly, and they are going to get worse before things get better.
Secondly you need a support network. You need to spend sometime putting this together. You are going to need your family or close friends, to help out. Explain the situation (thay probably already know). Tell them that you may need emotional of financial support during this time.
Talk to your kids and let them know what's going on. You will need their support. They need to know that things are going to get rough for a little while.
Finally look into your heart and decide if this is really what you want to do. Can councilling save this marriage? If you are not in physical danger, I strongly advise councilling - and if he won't go, go yourself. You need to have your head on "straight" and your ducks in a row if you are going to split up.

Answer 10

there is no way a divorce can't be ugly especially with kids. In court the judge will be interested in who cares more for the kids and if your husband's a jerk well then you might be okay