Bitter Ex wife?

Question

What can we do to make my partners ex wife understand that she is mentally abusing her children, with the wicked things she says to them about their father.

She has completely turned them against him......its breaking his heart, and its awful to see what she is doing.

Instead of it being between her and him she is dragging the children in, and the poor little things, just believe everything she says.

We are going through the court process at the moment, its so long and drawn out because she wont agree to anything.

I dont understand how a mother can use her children like that.

Im not getting in the middle of it ...I have no communication with her..............I am simply supporting my partner, and his children.

Answer 1

Unfortunately,YOU are not an unbiased person,so YOU cannot tell her anything without adding fuel to the fire!!!YOU are probably the last person she wants telling her how to raise her children,and if you are even halfway willing to do this,it may be that you also have a resentment against her.If you continue to get wrapped up in the drama then you become part of the problem and also a neusance to the children.Take a step back and go see a counselor,and if you really care about his kids,ask your counselor what he/she thinks your role would best be to be most helpful in this situation..(hint)..I don't think it's telling the wife how to behave.... Sorry.Good luck.
PS-If you weren't "getting in the middle of it",you would'nt be online asking tis question...your partner would.Go to Al-anon.

Answer 2

Trying to play tug-o-war with children ALWAYS backfires on both parents. This is because it becomes a question of he-says/she-says, and the basis for the decision comes not from the actions of the parent but how well they frame the arguement.

Now, there is no way I can safely assume that what the ex-wife is saying is indeed false. Likewise, I have no way of proving that what you say is false either. But, in a situation like that, where one parent is playing the 'blackballing the other' game, there is only one sure way to play it safely.

To respond with anger to anger only works to prove the ex's point. In other words, any negative behavior that the parent exhibits can only work against them. Even attempts at criticizing the ex will lend support to the children's idea that the parent is being the 'bad' guy.

To win the children over means to respect their wishes and ideas, despite how repugnent you might find their ideas about you. Offer to visit the children; if they refuse, say " I understand, is it ok if I try again x amount of time later (next week, next month)." Be receptive and reactive to the children, not pro-active. Be ready if they need help, and give it to them, but only to the extent as needed. Admit any mistakes immediately. By not challenging their limits, you are demonstrating that you respect them and their feelings, and by the consistency of your actions, you are slowly proving to your kids that you are NOT what the ex is saying you are.

Also, and this is the hardest thing yet, you HAVE to make nice with the ex. You don't have to LOVE them, but you have to act and be civil towards them, even when they attempt to bait you. The baiting is their way of provoking you into acting out, which in turn will act as a reinforcement towards the ideas the kids are being told. Refusing to be baited, being gentle, polite, respectful, no matter how adverse the conditions, demonstrates a sense of character that is your best weapon.

Think of this as a marathon, not a sprint. Be lovingly persistent and gently persuasive.

Answer 3

Been through this...in time her bitterness will wear thin and she will realize what she is doing and how it is effecting the children. She will in time begin to tell the children good stories and positive things about their father. An ex can become bitter when their ex partner begins new relationships, moves on, etc. expecially when children are involved. Most likely she is still hurting and in time she will accept you being with her ex and begin to hope that you will do right by her children instead of turning the children against the two of you.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, you can't do anything to stop it. If she has custody of the kids she has all the time in the world to say bad things about daddy. The only thing you can do is tell the children that mommy is not telling you the truth and daddy is not a bad man, he loves you, and mommy is just angry at daddy. Then let the courts deal with it and hopefully it will change. Too many divorced parents use their kids to get back at their ex's and it's wrong wrong wrong. Make sure their daddy doesn't say bad things about mommy and always talk about her with respect even though she does not. The kids will eventually get that mommy is not right and daddy is.

Answer 5

hi there...... look if you manage to read this without lossing it i will be suprized but please stick with this .......youre new partners X-wife is still hurting and it really pissing her of that her x-husband has moved on and is getting on with his life with out her and she at the moment is causing holy hell and she is at the moment using the children ......i take it that they are getting to see there dad ?? well if this is the case then you both have to be very carefull how you handle them and do not under any circumstance say any thing against there mother no matter how tempting you to can discuss what you think of her on youre own .....make youre time with the kids as much fun as possible and yes ask them how they are .....do not ask about there mother if they bring it up ,say is she well or any thing to avoid a heated moment ....if you have to bit youre tongue in two....or leave the room and go to the loo for a couple of minutes......this will let t5he kids see that you are not having a problem with there mother and the kids will start to feel safe with you and will more than likely wnt to stay more and more with you 2 instead of there mother .....you are doing the right thing having this sorted out in court but make sure that they are aware of what she is doing to the children ......its a pity that there dads lawyer cant talk to his children to find out where they would want to stay permantley......that would bring some closer to this nasty bit for the kids then it would bejust the divorce bit to get sorted .....godo luck with this and take care of each other xx

Answer 6

My spouse's father cheated on her mom, abusive on occasion and that i'm not sure how undesirable it ever have been given. My grandfather replaced into verbally and bodily abusing my mom, aunts and uncles. in my view i do no longer prefer them around my son. i do no longer think of that's out of bitterness yet right this is a narrative. a guy lost his spouse and grew to become right into a decrease than the impression of alcohol and beat his 2 sons when you consider that they little ones till they left the residing house. One grew as much as be a doctor, appropriate guy certainly, the different a decrease than the impression of alcohol bitter and abusive guy. whilst asked why they have been so diverse they the two spoke back 'After seeing my father and how he dealt with us how am i able to be the rest?'. Who knows the way it is going to impression your little ones yet do you prefer to gamble?

Answer 7

Don't try to put your foot between your partner and his ex directly.The best you can do is try to be close to the children and keep them out of all this as much as possible.Also try to give love to the children.They need it most at this time.This way you will win little hearts of their father's too.That way you will build up a happy family.Once that is done,i am sure no one of your family will pay attention to the ex wife of your partner.and with time,that lady will understand it is hard to break such a happy family and she will stop doing all these things.from then i believe,you and your family live happily.

Answer 8

Wow, I could have easily wrote that.. scary. I'm going through the same thing, but the psycho ex-wife is all ticked off and started running her mouth, and telling the kids things after we bought a new truck.. she got jealous and had his child support reevaluated to see if she could get more money out of him, when they told her he pays you what hes suppose to, she went off the deep end. My advise to you, let him and her sort it out, offer him the support he needs, and be there for the kids, its not their fault. Also, I have found that its only best to offer support when its asked for, or in my situation it is. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

The mistake separated couples make is that they forget that it is their relationship that has broken down not the relationship between the children.

The relationship mums and dads have with their children and children with mum and dad is very different.

However, the children will work out for themselves what is going on and mum is going to come off looking very bad indeed.

You should keep out of it and just be a good partner and carer for the children that find themselves in your care.

Will she see reason? no but in time her children will make her see that what she is doing is unfair and has hurt only them, and not their dad in the manner for which it is intended.

Answer 10

She won't stop until she finds a new happiness.

She feels that he should not be happy without her, and she really hates it when the kids speak highly of him.

Her insecurity will cause her to continue to destroy her children.
She is obsessed with anger and probably can't be reached.

Only a true distraction, such as a new lover for her will stop her madness.

I know from experience.