what's up with crazy debating?

Question

my wife is a very intelligent woman and we've been together for awhile. when we met, i automatically knew she was the one. beautiful, intelligent, sexy, and a little crazy. however she is very intelligent and has always gotten her way by out debating everyone....including her family (who are afraid of her outbursts and debates. she sounds really convincing and intimidating that no one wants to get on her bad side). One problem....she married a man more intelligent and i catch her sometimes and out debate her. it leaves her absolutely fuming at me and she gets so angry!! why? she married me probably for that reason. sometimes it feels like she's going to walk out when i out debate her which is nuts. maybe that's why she's with me. she can't handle it sometimes when i call her on her B.S. and her family said to her "looks like you've met your match". but still she gets so angry at me sometimes for days! will she ever get over this or does she want a stupid man?

Answer 1

She is an insecure little biatch. You should put her in her place and rub it in. That's the only way she is going to learn her place. If that doesn't work, she is psycho. Consider medication.

Answer 2

nah...women want what they can't have...you're winning the debates, you've presented a good challenge, which means she'll want you around so she can eventually win...

BUT...it may backfire....depending on the subject of debate. I suppose there will be times when compassion rather than debate would be more desired for her at some point in time. So overwhelming her in victory wouldn't be the wisest thing to do.

And you keep assuming that the debating is probably why she married you...well if that was the case...then she's getting what she always wanted..so it shouldn't be quixotic or a sign of her leaving...just more of a frustration since you're winning more than she is.

Why not start a debate about the debates? I'm interested to hear the answer on that one.

Answer 3

Sounds like a little competition here. and she is use to being always right the average person she comes across she can do circles around them. And here y ou come and you catch her sometimes bs as you say or just that you are right and she's wrong and she doesn't like it one bit.

Just a bruised ego. She's use to having things her way and she's also use to being right and she plays the trump card when it suits her as you said she gets upset and everyone around her gets scared. She's no dummy. she's still doing it to you again but in an indirect way. showing you she's pissed so you will think twice next time. But don't deep down she will admire you and like your strength and knowledge her nose is just bent out of shape. but everyone needs a good check up n ow and then. lets her know she's not the only bright light balb in the package.

Answer 4

Until she matures and decides/understands/learns that not everything is:

--Black or white,

--All her way or the highway,

--Supposed to be subject to her point of view and her point of view ALONE, and recognizes that yes, there could be multiple, reasonable answers to life questions or issues,

--Supposed to be HER way,

--A contest,

--Supposed to result in a "top dog" or that she has to be it,

--Not supposed to be under HER control, according to HER whims (this includes everyone and everytning),

--That she's not perfect or better than anyone or smarter than everyone,

--Gets her temper under reasonable control

I have to say that she's always going to be this way. I know, I come from a family of such people My father didn't speak to me for 20 years bc he couldn't control every aspect of my life and couldn't stand that fact--even after I was grown and out of the house.
Even when my brother died tragically young, he acted as though I was not even in the room, much less sitting next to him.

Metaphisycally speaking, she may have (subconsciously)married you this lifetime to learn how to NOT be this way as she has, indeed, met and married her match.

To stay in the marriage will be up to you. If you can continue to be amused at your ability to out smart her and not be affected by her ugly reactions and childish tantrums, ultimately lose respect for her, or find that her behavior and attitude are wearing you out and down, then maybe the marriage is worth keeping--to you.

But, I'd say that to have such a parent would be extremely unhealthy for a child to be subject to and strongly do not advise it. Our family has been incredibly fractured and relationships ruined bc of this and bc two of my brothers turned out just like him which has left our relationships in total ruins and lots of suffering.

It's much too high a price for any child to pay. It's a really serious mental health issue for everyone under such a roof without a doubt. It's also a mental health issue for her too, and I'll bet most anything that it will never occur to her that this is so, that if anyone suggested it that she (and her family) would deny any such a thing. In fact, she would never consider it, much less acknowlege or admit to such.

She'll do everything to convince herself and those around her that all is just fine and perfectly normal. no matter how over-the-top her behavior and reactions to things or people are. Think this marriage and its future through carefully, very carefully.

Good luck.

P.S.--I agree very much with what the poster below is explaining with respect to John Bradshaw's theory of human development. Bradshaw's got lots of good and relevant stuff to say on such subjects. I'm just relating to this particular subject from a different, and highly personal, point of view and based on my own experiences.

Answer 5

Do you need to win? Pick your battles. being in a relationship is difficult enough without ya'll debating over something that really doesn't matter.A if you have to get your point across. just before you win the debate tell her you love her and kiss her that might take the sting out of the debate.

Answer 6

There is a well-written book, entitled, "Championing Your Inner Child," by John Bradshaw. He talks about the various parts of our human personality that develop: emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological, intellectual, etc. Whenever a child suffers trauma to anyone of these areas, depending on the severity and duration of the trauma, that area simply stops developing. The other areas of the personality may continue to develop without further problems and the little boy or girl then grows up, their physical body develops into a woman or man and from the outside, they look perfectly healthy. However, let's say your wife was raised in a very intellectually stimulating family, but very competetive. Competition is defined as "the act of striving against another force for the purpose of achieving dominance or attaining a reward or goal, or out of a biological imperative such as survival." If nothing but this "competition" in the home occurred, she would be very intelligent and would strive to achieve dominance over you. However, just tweak her upbringing in any of a dozen additional ways, and you can tell exactly why she acts the way she does.

First, if her parents were competitive themselves, she saw a lot of unhappiness and rancor in her family - so making you unhappy won't seem unusual to her, it was "normal" to her. Further, competition should not be fostered among family members for obvious reasons: family should be the cohesive unit of society, never striving against itself. Competition is the antithisis of loving harmony. So, let's tweak her upbringing a little bit.

Say, whenever her mother and father were competitive with oneanother, the winner would berate the other or gloat or rub it in. The "losing" parent would then pout and punish the winning parent in order to regain the sense of "lost power" in the relationship. My guess is that when you demonstrate your intellectual capacity to your wife, it subconsciously reminds her of the pattern of behavior that she witnessed her own parents performing over and over throughout her adolescence. Your wife is simply trying to punish you and make you feel bad enough that you will restore her "power" in the relationship. That her family told her that "she had met her match," tells me that her own parents were ultra competitive themselves. However, if they have remained married to this day, they must have declared a truce somewhere along the way and this can be done in several ways:

1. Don't debate;
2. Debate, but only so far. As soon as you can tell or she can tell that pride or passion is being aroused, back off and "agree to disagree," or say, "why don't we discuss this another day;"
3. Agree with her whenever she has a "correct" answer, even if there might be a "more correct" answer. This will give her pride in herself and she may relax with you next time. If her father wouldn't let her mother "reestablish" her own pride, your wife may feel that if she doesn't keep it up and defeat you, she will be reduced in your eyes, thereby permitting you to run roughshod over her (like her father did to her mother, or visa versa). If you agree with her as a test, you must do so thoughtfully and carefully. Something like, "that's a good point, I like that," or "ok I didn't think of that." These responses would not diminish your power in the relationship, but would give her self-esteem, something she may be lacking. Her competitiveness may simply be a defense mechanism to a memory she has. She may have learned how to react by remembering how her mother or father acted when they were "defeated."

Finally, from the sounds of your interaction with her, you "calling her on her B.S.," is very demeaning. If your "debate" is actually very negatively stated, "that's bullshit!" or "no way!" or anything like it, she will immediately become defensive with justification. "Calling her on her B.S." is indicative of your lack of respect for her opinion. Would the woman you really love intentionally tell you lies? Do you really want the woman you purport to love, to feel like you have such little regard for her opinions that you think they're "bullshit?" C'mon, is this the hill you want to die on?

Good luck to you!