9/11
September 11th, 2001
Just like yesterday.
Starting 4th grade,
the smell of summer fun going away,
then when I get home,
I could swim through the tenseness.
Our nation had been attacked
by people who don’t know
the excitement of freedom.
Me, there, laying,
knowing innocent
people were being killed.
Not doing anything.
Feeling the anger of sickness.
Seeing towers of red
falling to the ground.
I smelt something wrong that day,
but didn’t tell anyone.
I loved the feeling of freedom,
but now im wondering,
is that even possible?
2006-12-17 16:31:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
its great, i think its fine as it is,,,,,,
2006-12-17 16:33:19 · answer #1 · answered by dlin333 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I agree with masha; you need to fix your tenses, unless you have chosen to switch from past to present tense to indicate 9/11 as being a memory that you recall like it is the present, then you have something! Just be consistent. Add more particular imagery...
"the GREEN smell of summer fun going away"
"the EXPLODING excitement of freedom."
"Feeling the PUTRID anger of sickness"
"Seeing towers of RED, WHITE, AND BLUE
falling to the ground."
I hope that helps. Thanks for giving us something great to work with!
2006-12-18 01:41:28 · answer #2 · answered by Sirius's Mommy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The poem is ok. It could use a little bit of work though...
like the line: "I could swim through the tenseness."
shouldn't that be: ...swim through the tension. ???
and the other line: "Feeling the anger of sickness."
shouldn't that be :
Feeling the sickness of anger. ???
as for images: maybe a little boy playing with a toy airplane in a park w/ tall buildings behind him.
2006-12-18 00:47:19 · answer #3 · answered by sing & pray 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
just add the tortured faces of the Afgah people
2006-12-18 00:35:12 · answer #4 · answered by Nitin 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Your tenses need fixing. Put it all in one tense.
2006-12-18 01:36:47 · answer #5 · answered by masha 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋