how to help an extremely depressed friend?

Question

two friends of mine split up about 4 months ago. He cheated on her for the third or fourth time, and she refuses to take him back. Who would after that right? But I have never seen him like this before. He doesn't sleep, he barely eats, he cries all the time, he comes over to my house and does nothing but talk about her. My husband and I really have run out of things to say to him about the situation. We are very good friends with him and her. The last couple of days have been awful. He says he feels suicidal. He will not leave her alone, he sits outside of her house for hours at a time calls her, calls her family and says threatening things to them and her. And on top of all this he has custody of his 6 yr old son, who shouldn't even be near him with his tendencies lately. What can we do to help him get through this???? Any advice would be helpful thank you.

Answer 1

Something that I've noticed that a lot of cheaters seem to deal with is an overdeveloped sense of drama due to a combination of self centeredness and an overactive guilt complex. They think the world revolves around them, so it is perfectly acceptible for them to cheat if "the moment is just so right". However, they are also very aware of how they think other people recieve them (since they are of course the center of the universe) and then feel guilty. The guilt forces them into being cheaters rather than just saying they aren't interested in their partner anymore, and the drama that they imagine will ensue if they leave their partner also fuels this cheating reaction (the whole, "she would be so devestated if she knew I did this to her" thing. Notice the emphasis is still on the cheater, not so much on their partner. Obviously the partner doesn't wanted to be cheated on and lied to.)

The only thing I could recommend is not to play into his little drama anymore. Just tell him the straight up truth, exactly how things are. He's been setting everyone around him up to be apart of his little self centered show - don't take the bait anymore.Tell him to grow up. Don't let him shrink back into himself by allowing him to feel sorry for himself either - tell him people make mistakes, and move on. He probably won't be able to date this girl again anytime soon, and maybe that is for the best, considering how he's treated her. But that doesn't mean he won't ever find someone... it means he has to work on himself and make himself ready to find someone. Don't allow him to sink into that ridiculous "I've ruined everything!" crap. It's not true. Take him to a hospital ward to see how people who could really die tomorrow are... or to an orphanage or foster care to see how his son would be if he ever acted out his ludicrious threat of suicide. It sounds like this guy has been coddled from all sides... a girlfriend who took him back after he cheated 3 or 4 times? That is being WAY more than forgiving. He needs to realize that he is a grown man and father who has serious responsibilities. One of them is to figure out for himself (which might include getting himself to therapy) why he has cheated so much, especially if he loves this woman as much as he claims to. Another is to realize that people make mistakes, and you may make people upset or unhappy through your mistakes. But a mistake is NOT the end of the world - it's an opportunity for a learning experience. One has to learn as best they can, make amends as best they can, accept what comes, and move on. Most importantly, he needs to know that regardless of his emotional state after messing up (because people make mistakes all the time in life) he has a serious and very real responsibility to his son now, as a role model and caretaker. Good luck, hope this helps some.

Answer 2

To be honest if he is as bad off as you say I would first tell him to get mental health that you are not professionals and you have no idea what to say to him at this point you have helped him as far as you can go.
Then if he refuses get his family involved and do an intervention Tell him with the family there if he doesn't get help you will call child protective service because its not good to have the child see him this way. Mental not good for the child.. What he is doing is consider stalking in most states and he could be arrested.
If you really think he suicidal call adult protective service. He must be considered a danger to self and other which it sounds like he qualify

Answer 3

What is wrong with some men... sorry... boy???
Good Grief... he caused it with his decisions!!
Find him a good therapist and take him to see Him/Her.
The family should call the police when he threatens them. Some one needs to hold this boy accountable for his own actions, because obviously no one has yet except his smart ex.
She should file a restraining order until he gets help.
You can't say anything to him. You aren't a professional. If you say the wrong thing, you might be next on his list.
He needs some professional help!

BTW... sunflare... another woman is the LAST thing this guy needs... great, pawn him off onto someone else!
As a female, what could you possibly be thinking by that comment???

Answer 4

The way to help the depressed person, get them an appropriate diagnosis and treatment for depression and offer emotional support. Remember, what a person suffering from depression needs most is compassion and understanding. Exhortations to "snap out of it" or "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" are counterproductive. The best communication is simply to ask, "How can I be of support?" or "How can I help?"

At one time or another we have all been betrayed by someone we trusted, all felt the sting of deceit and subsequent shattering of self-confidence. Once trust is broken, it is much like a glass window; it cannot be fixed. It can be taped, glued, pieced together, etc. It can never be the intact and unbroken window it once was. Tell him you're sorry he's feeling so bad and ask how you can help him to learn to stop pessimistic, helpless thinking and start optimistic, hopeful thinking. Depression is the same thing as learned helplessness. He's learned to be helpless and needs to learn not to be helpless. Stated differently, he's learned to be depressed so he can also learn not to be depressed. Its cynical and skeptical enough to believe that any attempt at encouraging positive thinking in our lives is a losing battle but nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing can help him more in his situation than to remind himself he is a worthwhile, lovable person. Temper these affirmations with a bit of reality (he cheated) by not trying to convince him that he is the single greatest person on the planet and deserves to be king. It's unlikely he would buy that anyway. But guessing that right now he's feeling more like the lowest person on the earth, that isn’t a healthy or realistic place to be. But where he was getting his emotional needs met in a relationship, very seldom would any spouse/partner be tempted to look elsewhere and still there is no justification, no excuses for cheating partners to cheat. The first way you can be of support is to help him to recognize that there is a problem. You can suggest that he or she seek professional help. Then take good care of yourself and your needs since it is easy to get immersed in your friend's care and lose your own sense of self. You could also experience "contagious depression"-i.e., taking on his depressive symptoms-or you may get your own issues triggered. Stay centered enough to truly help. Give yourself credit for all that you are doing-and realize that you cannot do everything. No matter how much you care for another person, you cannot take responsibility for his or her life. Try to distinguish between what you can control (your own responses) and what you cannot (the course of his illness).

Answer 5

(Copy and paste this in a letter and give to your friend)

Dear ___________________,

Since you are considering suicide you need to get a grip on your mind/emotions. How does the mind work?

1. You think of her.
2. Your attachment for her deepens.
3. Your desire to have her increases.
4. The obstacles to getting her loom larger.
5. Your frustration mushrooms.
6. Your hope evaporates.
7. You are left with hopelessness and hope against hope.
8. Your eating gets affected.
9. You lose weight.
10. Your mental composure get dimented.
11. You lose sleep.
12. You become unclean in your habits.
13. You pray for death, but it doesnt come.
14. You contemplate takng your own life.
15. You kill yourself.
16. Your life is wasted.
17. You suffer a worse condition in your next life.
18. You still dont get the girl.

Stop thinking of her.

Your attachment will lessen.

Your desire will abate.

The obstacles will shrink (and maybe go away on their own).

Your frustration melts away.

Your hope for a better way of life grows moment by moment.

You enjoy nice meals again.

You start looking better.

You are happier.

Your get good sleep at night.

You take care of yourself.

You count your blessings and embrace life.

You make your contribution to society.

You live a worthwhile life.

Your next life is better.

You might still get the girl!


When your emotions get the better of you and throw you into a hellish condition, then you need to use your intelligence to analyze the situation and pull yourself out.

You will do it.

Let me know how it turns out.

Hope this helps.

We are here for you,
_____________________

Answer 6

I am unsure what to tell you, but I know when I've gone through deep depression, all I do is close myself off from people, and barely say a word, I cry by myself. At least your friend, is talking to you and confiding in you.
My suggestion is, take him out, go to the movies, try and get him a night out with the guys, something, or anything to get his mind off this girl. Make him focus his time and energy on his child.
I wish you all the best. And like I said At least he is talking with you. it's when he stops you have to really worry.
Good-Luck

Answer 7

My goodness... if he's suicidal, you need to take action and get that child away from him before he doessoemthing really stupid... Like right away! If he's a danger to himself, he's a danger to his daughter... and he's obviously not in any shape to take care of her. You need to consult an attorney. There is a legal way to take care of this... and I'm not joking... think about how many horror stories you have heard with beginnings like the one you wrote in your answer... and can you live with yourself if this all blows up????? The best thing you can do is get professional help for your friend...

Answer 8

Well he bought his depression upon himself. At this point, if he is as close as you say you are, you should tell him you don't feel sorry for him. If his behavior becomes a little too shady or she feels uncomfortable about him hanging around her house, she should consider a Order of Protection. If the six year old is hers also that's even more of a reason.

Answer 9

Wow, this is crazy.
U need to take the guy out to places and help him get over her.
She obviously is not gonna take him back.
She needs to get a peace bond to keep him away from her house and family. That would give him a wakeup call.
Fix him up with another woman to get over her.
If she wants him back, let her tell him.
U are really in deep in a domestic mess which could have bad results if it goes a negative way.
U need to keep this fellar thinking positive and on track instead of this immature attitude straight from an evil force.
Pray hard to God for this matter.

Answer 10

It is important to be there for him no matter how long it takes for him to get through, it is er painful for him right now.Time will heal the wound, he will meet someone to arouse his curiosity and he will slowly forget, try to get him out as much as possible around other people & remember that when he talks to you about this girl, that it important to keep preaching to him that what she did was wrong and he deserves better, it will sink in in time beleave it or not.