My husband and I lost our baby in Jan 2000. Since then we don't seem to be able to "connect". For awhile I was "medicating" myself with alcohal to dull the pain and loss, both from lossing our baby and also to deal with the distance he had for me. We ended up seperated for awhile. I got rid of the alcohal (cus it's stupid) When we tried to reconcile. His idea of reconciliation was to pretend nothing was ever wronge, not talk, and work as much as possible. The distance was crazy... then he had an affair, and lied, lied, lied. His idea for that was for me to "just get over it". He has said he feels so close to me when I'm happy... What do you do when happy is just an act? When you tell yourself to be happy, when your not. When you are pretending to be "happy" for somone else's benifet? I feel so guilty for having any other feeling than "happy" because my feelings are "such an inconvenience to him. I might put him in a bad mood or something. Anyone relate to feeling bad for feeling bad?
2006-12-17 15:48:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am so sorry for the loss of your child. Fortunately I have never had that experience, so I can't imagine the hurt you must feel, especially at Christmas time.
Trying to be happy for someone elses sake is a trait of co-dependants. Now there is something I can relate to. Also feeling guilty for feeling something other than what others tell you that you "should feel" is also a trait that falls into the category of co-dependant behaviour.
It is OK top be angry, sad, or whatever you are feeling, even though it is contrary to what others are tellng you that you "should feel".
It might be healthier to stop acting out happiness for everyone elses benefit. Pent up emotions don't go away, they just stay inside & fester. Find a supportive ear to share your feelings with, either in a support group, friend, or professional. You wouldn't believe the relief that comes from sharing your emotions with others who care.
"He feels close to you when you feel happy"?????
You husband has to learn to take the good with the bad. He also needs to learn to be your biggest supporter, whether that is during happy times or not. You are not a "Stepford Wife" you are a human being who experiences both happy & sad emotions, & he has to be able to be there for you. It's not all about him now is it!
Here's an example of the kind of support you should be getting from your derelict husband.
I am so proud of you for overcomming your addiction to alcohol. That took a super amount of inner strength that most people will be envious of. Your capacity for forgiveness, & caring is also above exception.
Now apply that to YOUR LIFE, & accept no less from those around you. They can either show at least the same compassion for you that a total stranger would (Me) or go try to find happiness with someone else, & that goes for you too Honey!
You deserve the best you can give yourself, & nothing less.
Have a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!
2006-12-17 16:18:28 · answer #1 · answered by No More 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husbands brother died about 20 years ago at age 4. To make things worse for them, my husbands Aunt lost her daughter at age 12. The family has been through a lot because of this. They seem to be ok now, but it has been a long time. My only advice to you is that I believe that when people pass they are always around you. You baby is in a better place and will meet you in the end. Just keep the memories close w/ you that you were able to have, but also realize that everything happens for a reason. Your baby was only meant to be here for a short period. You probably feel guilty like you did something wrong. You have to let go of ALL the guilt RIGHT now. There was nothing you could do. Getting rid of the guilt will help you move on. I wish you the best and I will pray for you tonight to find happiness inside yourself! God Bless!!
2006-12-17 15:59:39 · answer #2 · answered by truebeing3030 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for your and your husband’s loss.
Yes completely possible death of child “can” cause a divorce…… IF you allow it to! Good for you stopping the “self-medicating”! Thou your Husband did the same with having an “affair”.. Could also be his sub-conscious way of “hurting you back” for the loss of the baby. Who knows?? stranger things have happened. Irrespective of how your baby died, you and your husband need to forgive yourselves!!
“Get over it” is wayyyyyyy WRONG!! Death of a child is not something to “get over”,, FIRST you have to “GET THROUGH IT”. Which you haven’t done and your husband is refusing to do! In the logical nature of things, Parents don’t outlive their children. The children out live the parents,,,, unfortunately it didn’t happen this way.
Goggle “grief process” I’m willing to bet you didn’t follow the normal process of grief.
Step back to square 1 and move through that process. Print it out and give it to your husband. Then both of you get into grief counseling (marriage counseling too) and work through the death of a child TOGETHER!!!!
Your Husband is the most important person in the world to you right now and YOU should be the most important person to him right now. Your husband is trying to “ignore” the entire situation thinking (wrongly) that it will “just go away”. It will not!! it has been 6 years and both of you are still functioning like it happend just last month. That's not right,, you can recoup,recover and move forward with your lives,, but both of you will need to do it together,, or you Will wind up doing it seperately.
2006-12-17 16:52:11 · answer #3 · answered by logicalanswer 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
God bless you in all this. I can't imagine the pain and difficult emotions you have dealt with.
You will hear it a million times, but it is the right answer: counseling. You need it. You need it as a couple.
Another thought is to look into a grief share group. You will get lots of support from people who have "been there".
2006-12-17 16:13:26 · answer #4 · answered by Jennifer D 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You might need a counselor, but he cheated on you, so that's just it, WRONG... By the way I am sorry about the child, My daughter was born in 2000, so take it as a new life being reborn. well back to the subject, I believe that the flame is gone, you need to start all over again and live your life separately.
2006-12-17 15:53:34 · answer #5 · answered by u_better_remember_me 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My wife and I lost a child from a miscarriage, and we have friends who have lost a couple babies due to miscarriage and had one child born still born. And yes it is hard. For my wife and I, I was there for her to support her and just loved on her, just being there to hold her, and support her. Our friends especially after their baby was still born went through grief counceling.
What I would suggest for you and your husband is that you both should go through grief counceling, and also marriage counceling, because I belive that it would help you both out, and could really help you and your husband work through and resolve some of these issues in your marriage.
2006-12-17 16:10:19 · answer #6 · answered by Bryan M 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My aunt and her husband got a divorce after their child passed away. It's a sad horrible thing to go through and I wish you the best of luck, and the best of health both mental and physical.
2006-12-17 16:35:02 · answer #7 · answered by Yeah. 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First sorry to hear about your loss....in your heart of hearts only you know if your relationship is worth saving. Have you tried counseling?_
2006-12-17 15:59:56 · answer #8 · answered by Chickybabe 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Some never recover or find peace.
Please consult a doctor for a therapy that is right for you
2006-12-17 15:50:47 · answer #9 · answered by Dave S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the death of my brother at age 7 caused my parents to seperate this year.
he died in a skiing accident when i was 10...........im 12 now
2006-12-17 15:51:58 · answer #10 · answered by GROOVY LILY 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋