Can someone explain something about gays. I don't understand.?

Question

Being that it is well known that Gay people do not recognize male/female relationships as necessary in marriage or being a couple. That same sex couples are completely appropriate. Then why is it that with every gay couple I know of, one plays the female role and one plays the male role. Isn't that going against their own beliefs to fall into male/female roles when they are the same sex? I don't get that.

Please understand that I didn't mean to strike any nerves. I admit that I am totally ignorant on the subject. It is such a closed subject in my family and circle that I don't dare ask questions. Don't want to risk the relationship by asking the gay couples I know as they tend to get defensive. I have learned a lot. I understand better now. Thank you.

Answer 1

I believe that there is no one answer for your question, but I will explain my views on it.
Some people in a gay/lesbian relationship feel that they are in the wrong body and therefore are transgenered. And want to become the other sex and so they dress and act as in the role.
While some are just more dominant personalities and are attracted to either a butch or femme person.
And then you have some that are "switches" (any other names peeps? Add them! :)) And they may dress butch and act femme in private.
I hope this helps and does not confuse you further.

Answer 2

What you are saying was very true in the 50s, not so true now. When gay people first started coming out in the 50s they had no role models for a relationship except straight relationships. They felt to be a couple one had to be the male image and one the female. This has lessened with time, and with people having seeing other gay people. In my circle most people are just who they are, women are women and men are men. It is in our nature that some people are more yin or more yang and express more of the male or female, but the role playing is much diminished. There are tasks in life that are considered male, such as home repairs, physical labor; and there are tasks that are considered female, such as housework and cooking. In couples usually one partner tends to take on one set of tasks and one takes on the other; not always and not completely. This is as close to playing these roles as I see gay couples getting most of the time. In some circles I guess the butch/fem thing still goes on but not in mine or I believe in most any more.

Answer 3

Male and female roles is/ are/ was/ were dictated by society and culture since time immermorial. Gender roles are the complete manifestation of the peculiarity. That why there are roles sepcified only for men and women. The problem with society today is when a man or a woman shows a manifestation of a role of that of the opposite sex, people start to "Tag" them. This system is what usually causes trouble for all of us.

I have always believed that being in a relationship, regardless of sexual orientation, is about working things out. Connotation of a person to a specific gender role is not what should be given importance, but instead one should be able to identify the dynamics of being in a relationship.

Being in a relationship is about finding the right chemistry to enable 2 people to live their lives as a whole.

At the end of the day, the big question is not about "Who washed the dishes?" or "Who worked from 9 to 5?" but it is the question "Who makes our life complete?"

Remember, when Love speaks it knows no gender. It knows no race. It knows no station in life.

It is a union of two souls.

Answer 4

Thank you for the question.

Homosexuality is not a belief system. It is, at the very least, determined prior to rational thought and probably it is biological entirely.

There is, therefore, no one belief system among gays.

So that part of the question is impossible to answer -- since there is no belief system or ideology to defend regarding gender roles.

That said.

What do you mean by gender roles? Define your terms please. I happen to be nurturing. I clean our home (we've been together 15 years on the second of Jan.) and am a fairly decent gourmet cook. Does that make me feminine? What does that say about all the straight males who clean and are (often) far better cooks than I? Does gender roles mean that one male (presuming gay male couples) pretends to be a woman? If that is what you are talking about, I've never seen it at all, and I've been out since I was 14 -- I know it happens, but when it does, I understand it is usually a quasi transgendered person and a bisexual or self-identified straight male who likes "chicks with *****." Very much different from us.

Both gender preference and gender identity vary widely, along different and parallel axies, not along intersecting ones. Likewise sexual behavior and gender behavior vary widely, along two different parallel axies.

I hope that helps, if you want a more detailed answer, contact me directly by email.

Reynolds Jones
http://www.rebuff.org
[e-mail]

Answer 5

The male/female role probably is a natural aspect. They probably take turns. However, one is usually more feminine than the other for some reason for another. Even if they weren't a couple there would be one the would possess more of the opposite traits than the other.

You are right in your preception. On the other hand one has to play the female the other the male and change up from time to time. This is far beyond the normal standard for marriage or a congenial relationship.

Answer 6

I know of no gay person who does not see the appropriateness of a straight couple being married. Gay people just want to be accepted as straight people are. Gay people do not think everyone in the world is gay; they recognize the existence of heterosexuality.

Some gay people are more dominant in their relationships with lovers; others are less dominant or in some homosexual relationships, there is no dominance, either in the bedroom or out in society or in the home overall. The same holds true of heterosexual couples -- none of us (who are outsiders) knows what goes on in the bedroom of a straight couple.

Answer 7

I have never "played a role." I have always been male and married to a male. He always was male and never played a female role. If you mean one is the "bottom," then say submissive, not female. A bottom does not have a vagina, so he can't play a female. No, a gay person is someone who LOVES someone of the same sex. Some may act effeminate, but they are male/male or female/female and trust me, they aren't playing. I would never be comfortable with another man who played a female "role" since I love men.

I think your ignorance is showing.

Answer 8

Ugh God has nothing to do with this. Many men and women in general, feel as though they are born the wrong gendered- transgendered. That is usually why they are gay to begin with, they are drawn to the same sex because they have the mentality of the opposite sex, therefore in their minds they are actual heterosexual, though in society look homosexual. People are different, some couples play roles, other's don't. It's not a gay thing, its a hormonal/mentality thing. Don't stereotype.

Answer 9

First off, you're assumption that we do not recognize male/female relationships as being a necessary part of life is purely rediculous.
Yes, of course heterosexual couples are JUST as necessary as Homosexual relationships.

The thing is, each individual has his/her own path, be it straight or gay, male or female, tall or short, left or right handed, Christian or Buhdist or Muslim or Jew or Hindu or Pagan or whatever.
Like snowflakes, no two individual paths are ever exactly alike, but if we're lucky we will, along our personal journey, find someone who will walk their path along side ours, be a witness to our lives as we can be to theirs.

As far as your assumption that in homosexual relationships that one partner "plays" male and the other female just isn't true either.
My partner and I are both females. Neither one of us pretends to be the "man." Nor do either of us even want to try. We're our own persons, both with female genitalia and quite happy with what we have. Neither of us is more dominant than the other, neither of us is more passive, neither one of us does more of a typically male set of chores or tasks nor does either of us do the more typically female chores or tasks.
We share what we do, who we are and rejoyce in each others' personal strengths while supporting the other's weaknesses.

This happens in ALL relationships, both Heterosexual as well as Homosexual.

My partner is more introverted towards people she doesn't know and I'm more extroverted....BUT she's better at managing large groups of people while I like to work alone. She sometimes does the dishes when I take out the trash or vice versa. We share each other's lives and compliment each other's individual paths.

Answer 10

I think the problem is that you haven't had the opportunity to know enough gay couples. I know a wonderful lesbian couple who are legally married (god bless Massachusetts!) and have two children and neither play a stereotypical "male" role. They are both just wonderful wives and mothers! I also know male gay couples where neither is "the woman."

By the way, I also know several heterosexual couples where the man plays the traditionally female role of stay-at-home parent and homemaker and the woman is the breadwinner.

I think it's more important for couples to just find what works for them at making a loving and happy home for themselves (and their children, if they have any).

A.L.