i just asked a question why my wife who's ten years younger and absolutely beautiful and successful would accuse me of flirting, cheating, and being nasty to me sometimes. I needed to add some information to the last question. We have 3 kids between us and I know the signs of cheating (my first wife cheated) and she doesn't exibit the typical signs so i don't think she's stepping out or doing the transference thing onto me.plus we're with each other almost all the time when not at work. I know she was emotionally abused as a kid by her mother somewhat and her daughter's father basically walked out on her (but she has a good relationship with her father and mother now). she is very sensitive to criticism and i try my best but she still thinks i'm doing all these crazy things behind her back and it feels like she's beating me down sometimes. i'm a really good man and would never disrespect her. she knows i love her so why the nastiness to a man that really loves her to death?
2006-12-17 15:08:10 · 6 answers · asked by Johnny appleseed 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Maybe she is feeling guilty and it is her who is doing something that she should not?_
2006-12-17 15:11:59 · answer #1 · answered by Chickybabe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All of these things you are describing about her tell me that she has low self esteem and trust issues. You could very well have just described me-even down to having the older husband.
Being abused, neglected, and abandoned can do some serious emotional damage. Once you've been through so much bad stuff, it's hard to open up and make yourself vulnerable to people, no matter how pretty, smart, etc you are. And you are always expecting and waiting for the next bad thing to happen, because the people you loved have always managed to dish it out.
And BECAUSE she expects something bad to happen, she will distance herself from you with the "nastiness", so that she won't be as hurt when it does, and won't feel foolish about not seeing it coming. She's not trying to beat you down. She's trying to keep herself up.
Please be patient with her. I AM that woman, and as hard as I'm sure it is to live with her, I know what it's like to BE her. Try not to take it so personally, because I know that it's not about you. If you split up and she met someone else, it would be the same for him.
The only thing that will fix this is time. And it may be a long time. If you love her, it will be worth it. The more you can stay calm about it, and the more she sees that she won't drive you away with a little turmoil in the house, the more stable she will feel. I've been with my husband for 3 years now, and I am just now starting to feel a little secure-but I still have my days.
Reassure her as much as you can with the way that you treat her. Anyone can say "I won't hurt you". But she won't really believe it until it's proven to her. You say she's sensitive to criticism-it's part of the problem. Don't ever criticize her-if you want it to work you will have to find another way to communitcate problems besides criticism. And if she is talking with you about someone else criticizing her, she really needs reassurance from you about whatever the subject is.
The trust CAN be built, if you are willing to go through the trouble.
Don't lie about anything, no matter how trivial it may seem to you. Even if it's about something that shouldn't be a big deal, she will always wonder what else there is.
Spend time with her. Call her for no reason. Tell her you love her out of the blue. Do little things to make her feel worthy of your attention and loyalty.
I sense that you feel she should know already that you wouldn't cheat on her or leave her, but the fact that it should be obvious to another person doesn't apply here. You have to tell her and show her.
Is someone physically attacks you, the normal instinctive response, without even thinking, is to put up your arms to block sensitive areas from harm. Emotional abuse makes us do the same thing. We put up a wall of protection, but unfortunately that wall keeps even the good things, and the good people, away as well. That wall cannot be torn down by force, or by assertion that it should not be there. It has to be coaxed down slowly and gently with loving words and actions, and the assurance that you won't be going anywhere once it's gone.
2006-12-17 16:14:22 · answer #2 · answered by dragonlady 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she has some unresolved issues she hasn't been able to work through, trust issues, as a child she mos likely got alot of criticism,the experiences we had as a child often spill into our adult life, maybe counseling would help. she suffers from a low self worth, even though she is beautiful, her childhood must have been horrific, good thing she has an understanding mate who understands, try counseling first, see if it helps her. think anyone who was abused as a child,needs counseling to help them Sort through the hurt and bad emotions.
2006-12-17 15:19:31 · answer #3 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You picked a weak, damaged woman and thought your love could heal her. It didn't- she's still a weak, damaged woman who continues to punish you for all the past hurts she allowed other men to inflict on her. When you try to rescue a damsel in distress, you end up with a distressed damsel. You both need counseling.
2006-12-17 15:59:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like she has some insecurities because of what she's gone through in the past, and sounds like she needs to do something to help her resolve those past issues. Be supportive of her, and suggest she go to counceling, because it may help.
2006-12-17 15:14:03 · answer #5 · answered by Bryan M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Insecure, and not really sure she deserves you.
2006-12-17 15:41:00 · answer #6 · answered by joy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋