what do you think of my story?

Question

"We must leave. Now!" Sean said.

"Why? So we can get comfortable and have them chase us out of our home again? I say we stay and kill them!" Mira replied.

Sean didn't want to leave either, but he couldn't put his baby sister at risk of being killed by one of those - those slayers. She didn't understand how dangerous they could be. She was only sixteen and was never allowed to feed without him there.

"Mira, please understand I can't risk you getting killed."

"No, I am not gonna run away like a coward again!"

"She's not gonna budge. I guess I have no other choice." he thought.

He went to the closet and grabbed a baseball bat. "Forgive me sis." he mumbled.

"What did yo-"

Whack!

Mira fell to the ground as Sean dropped the bat. He slung her over his shoulder just as the door swung open. The slayer rushed toward him as he disappeared into the shadows.

Marcus, Kali, and Devin pulled up into the apartment complex.

"This is it. Captain said she was on the

third floor," Marcus said. Two figures came out of the car. Once had a long curvy body with long brown hair and bright turquoise eyes. The other had blond spiky hair and ocean blue eyes. HE as very built and had a silver dagger in each hand.

"Hurry and make sure you bring her back alive." ordered Marcus.

"Awe man, you mean we can't have a blood bath?!?" asked Devin.

"No! Bring her back alive or it will be your head!"

Devin and Kali headed up to the third floor. Once the elevator door opened Devin said, “Kali, find out what room she is in."

She was already ahead of him as soon as he opened his mouth she began chanting. Her view of the world changed into a translucent mist of off white, almost blue. As she looked at the walls she saw dark beings walking around with a light green mist glowing off of them. When Kali came to the door at the end of the hall she saw two dark beings with a blood red mist coming off of them.

"She's in the last room down the hall, but she is

not alone." Kali said as she ceased chanting and watched the world change back into normal.

"Yay! Maybe I will get my blood bath!"

"Just don't harm her,” she warned

Devin shrugged as he walked down the hall towards the door. As Devin opened the door he was a tall man almost six feel with pitch-black hair and crystalline blue eyes. He had a beautiful girl slug over his shoulder. Her hair was black with white streaks that almost looked gray. He noticed that the girl's head was slightly bleeding with a dark red liquid that almost looked black. As Devin charged at the tall creature it disappeared into the shadows.

"Kali!" Devin yelled in frustration. “He disappeared with her into the shadows!"

__________________________________

Sean appeared into a living room that had a sweet smell of blood that filled his nostrils making his hunger rise. He gently set Mira on the couch and lightly kissed her forehead.

"What are you doing here?" a tall dark form said as he emerged

from the darkness. “Why is she bleeding?!?"

"Master, I'm sorry! Slayers attacked us." Sean said. "She wouldn't come so I had to knock her out."

"Leave!" the dark form said forcefully. "You put her in danger for the last time. If we loose her our race will die! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"I'm sorry master, It won't happened again."

"You are right it won't. You are no longer watching over her. She will stay here with Aden.

"Aden. You are now in charge of Mira." the dark form projected into Aden's mind.

"Yes father, I will take good care of her." He responded as he appeared into the room.

"What? No! She's my sister. I will not let this pervert watch her." Sean protested.

"She is no longer your concern! You are banished from this place. You are dead as far as she knows." the dark form said disappearing into the darkness.

"Well, I guess I finally get what i want." Aden bragged. "Too bad you won't be there at the wedding."

"Shut up!" Sean said

vanishing into the shadows.

___________________________________

As Kali and Devin climbed into the care Marcus asked "Well? Where is she?"

"Her bodyguard and her vanished." Devin replied.

"Kali, tell Captain what happened."

Kali closed her eyes and clenched her medallion in her hand.

"Captain, Mira escaped through the darkness." Kali projected into his mind. "I will contact you when we know her whereabouts."

i know its long but im writting it on quizilla and wanted to know what you thought

Answer 1

Sounds good so far, keep up the good work!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

The story is okay, not original but it is okay, you have to realize that the slayer kick has been done before, remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer the series with Sarah Michelle Gellar went for 7 seasons, have to make it interseting and make it so you are glued to the book wondering what will happen. Good luck to you and I hope it goes better for you. So far a nice job.

Answer 4

it is very good