What will it take to get a 59-year-old alcoholic (that denies being an "alcoholic") to feel shame, as I would?

Question

I'm professional, very religious, I volunteer and donate blood etc. love to play piano, especially carols at this time of year -- I consider myself to be a dynamic, fun, and loving person - oh and I can cook too --

My point is that I expect a lot of myself (and so do my younger sisters) but our dad, despite being a physician etc. is so NOT that way. We also lost our beloved Mother 14 years ago.

I just feel like I want to hear more recognition and credit for this from him and from the rest of my family.

I went to his house (2 hrs from my place) to go help him get ready for the holidays (shopping etc.) - I offered - but he had plans with a bunch of stupid, country club ******* to basically have an excuse to get wasted. Both Friday and Saturday nights (remember that I came there to hang out with him etc. and he hasn't seen me for weeks) when he left he was like, "maybe I'll see you tomorrow...." as in - he was planning to get so ******* wasted that he wouldn't be able to drive

today I had such a bad Mexican food craving and I had to eat by myself in my hometown because my dad had to leave to go to yet another drinking fest disguised as a get-together... It is so ******* pathetic! I would be completely ashamed of myself if I acted that way! He DID come home Friday and Saturday nights, because I guess he felt bad that I was there alone.... and both times he was so drunk that he even said, "...yeah.... I don't know how I got home...." -- he's a somewhat prominent member of society in the town we're from (population about 70-80K) -- I think it almost would have been beneficial for him to get in a car accident so he would realize what a goddamned loser he is!

By the way, he always drank - even when Mom was around and despite the fact that she didn't like it (obviously she didn't like it because he's also pretty sick, as in has pretty advanced heart disease) -- all this despite the fact that he's a doctor, who should know better...What a loser.

Thanks Shannon - but seriously I don't really think he loves us as much as he says he does -- or my Mom for that matter... I mean, she hated his drinking yet he kept doing. I just want to him to say, "you know - I'm sorry that I went every night that you were over... and came back to wasted...." -- how do I make him apologize...

and by the way, I don't want to "be caring" to him - he and others have always judged me so harshly - so naturally I achieved a lot, have a great job, and also have a great resume - so I don't think I should have to "be caring," to him. HE DESERVES TO BE JUDGED!!!!!

even though it seems positive that everyone judged me so much and put so much pressure on me (the end result being that I am successful etc.) but it came at such a dear price, so many tears, so much beating myself up over this issue and others.... trying to be perfect to "earn" his love and approval. what a bastard!

even though it seems positive that everyone judged me so much and put so much pressure on me (the end result being that I am successful etc.) but it came at such a dear price, so many tears, so much beating myself up over this issue and others.... trying to be perfect to "earn" his love and approval. what a bastard!

It's my turn to judge! I HAVE DONE WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO IN MY LIFE! HE HASN'T - HE ******* DESERVES TO BE JUDGED AT LEAST AS HARSHLY AS HE HAS JUDGED ME!

YOU KNOW - I AM SO ******* SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING LIKE, "OH YOUR DAD," WHEN THEY HEAR ABOUT MY MOM DYING! MY DAD, BESIDES BEING A ******* ALCOHOLIC AND A BIGOT, IS ALSO A MISOGYNIST! HE MADE OUR LIVES A LIVING HELL! I'M NOT GOING TO ******* 'BE NICE,' TO HIM AND 'CATER TO HIM,' ETC. ANYMORE! DRINKING IN EXCESS AND EMOTIONALLY SCARRING YOUR CHILDREN IS WRONG - PLAIN AND SIMPLE!

Answer 1

Being adult child of and alcoholic, I can see how lonely you are . Alcohol has taken over his life. He does not see anything belong. You may benefit from 12 step support group meeting for families of alcoholics. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I finally found recognition for the special perosn I was through those meetings.

Answer 2

You are speaking from your point of view. Your father is 59, widowed, and in his mind not going to get someone else. My wife died 13 years ago and I am an alcoholic, thought not a practicing one. I gave it up 15 years ago. So I can understand both sides.
For one, your father could very well be an alcoholic. If this is so then he has an addiction that he must follow. The only way he will change is if HE HIMSELF wants to change for HIS OWN REASONS. Otherwise it doesn't work. But why should he change? This seems to be the only life he has, his booze and his friends. You must, if you want him to change, give him a REASON to change. You cannot judge him, you must inform him of his options and present a better alternative to him. You must present and show him that there is a better life than alcohol. You must find something he is passionate about and suggest and show that to him. Also you could order from ALCOHOLICS ANNONYMOUS a book called THE BIG BOOK. They will know what you mean. Give that to him to read. But remember that it is only HE HIMSELF who can ultimately solve the problem. He must want to. And you must present him with the opportunities to want to . Other than that , there is little you can do. It is in his hands, just put it in reach for his hands. Remember that what has happened to him doesn't give him much incentive to change.
Remember also that he needs love, compassion and help. Not judgement, this will come later, if it does, and by someone WHOES province it is to jugde.

Answer 3

That sucks for you. I went through a similar situation in my family. All I can advise you is to keep caring, and try to accept and not judge. He might or might not ever change. It's up to you to decide how to deal with that reality. But, really, it does not mean he doesn't love you. Maybe you need to force yourself to pull back a little. For both of you.

Answer 4

Sorry, but most drunks are nasty/abusive drunks. It comes with the alcoholism. Not much you can do about it. He has to decide he wants to change.

Answer 5

Too long, so to answer your header:
What business is it of yours to make someone else feel shame about their life?
Sounds like you need to get a Life of your own...
"say it out loud if you need to be Holier still" (Neil Diamond)
Truly Holy people don't brag.