Marriage for Black woman -?

Question

I will be 36 yrs old soon - I am African American/independent/I've been told I am a very attractive woman/Have my own "stuff"/no kids/good job. Problem is that I worry sometimes that I will never marry; I am trying desperately not to panic! But it is hard as heck sometimes!!!! I've done alittle online dating for the last 5 years - they've mainly all been jerks - I mean really disrespectful jerks!! I don't particularly want kids so that's not an issue. And don't get me started on how it feels to see some out of shape, poor, uneducated mother of TEN get married to prince charming! Just keepin it real! What is so perplexing to me is that I hear people say all the time that it will happen when I "least expect it", but I don't know how to NOT expect it. The marriage rate for Blacks is terrible!! Statically, my chances would be better if I were white woman. I guess my question is - has anyone ever felt this way?

please don't misunderstnd. I am not being judgmental to other less fortunate women. But we are (I was) taught to keep yourself up, have something going for yourself, be an asset to him not a liabilty. It is amazing to see someone who won't even comb her hair half right with a good man. ....AND just FYI, COLOR IS an issue. If you can't understand this now, no disrespect, but you probably never will

Answer 1

Can I answer? I know you are asking the ladies but as a man I would like to add. The answers you have been receiving are all good. But believe it or not some black men have a hard time as well. I will use myself as an example. Before I got married, I was single for a long time. I have an education, and dated women of all shapes, sizes, & color. I am not a bad looking dude (lol) but I had been told by black women that I was "too nice", "I wasn't their type". One woman I dated told me I wasn't her type and come to find out she like men what most considered "thugish". This woman had an education. So, I continue to search (yes I searched) and I found a wonderful black woman who was right under my nose all a long. She was a girl I grew up with in my hometown. I used to have a crush on her in the 3rd grade but as time went along we only spoke to each other throughout school. We both went to different colleges and 3 years after graduating from college somehow we ended up together.

As a man, The first thing we look at are looks (honestly). But if that woman comes off stuck up, nasty attitude and selfish, most of us step regardless how beautiful your face is or how nice your shape. Some men (mainly the ones whose about something) wants someone they can grow with, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually. I personally like independent women because I want to know if times get tough (if I lose my job, become ill) this woman can handle things. In my opinion, if a man has a problem with independent women they are lacking something in their life and most of the time it is being insecure. As I read the responses you have received so far, one poster said she had to evaluate herself. Have you tried that? I don't know and please don't get offender of what I am about to say, But you appeared to get angry in your additional post when you said the person will never understand that color matters. I thinking that the person only gave their personal opinion and you appeared upset. I am not coming down on you but look at the way you posted that. I also understand what you are saying that you see men with women with out of shape bodies, 10 kids etc. but fell to realize that that same woman may have some characteristics that makes that man happy. Again, looks are not everything when someone looks for a lifetime partner. If I had the chance to chose a woman who looks like Halle Berry with a jacked up attitude (not saying Halle has a jacked up attitude) and a woman who shape wasn't as nice as Halle, or face wasn't as beautiful as Halle but who was caring, understanding, independent, ambitious, respectful to herself and others and love me for who I was, Halle look-a-like with the jacked up attitude will be gone. My suggestion, ask someone to give you an HONEST opinion about you. Tell them don't sugar things up but be HONEST. Someone you can trust to be honest and listen to the outcome. I hope you didn't get offended at anything I said. It is all about learning from each other and being HONEST. Take care my sista and I hope that man comes into your life.

I must add that this is a good discussion because many women of all races and some men feel the same way you do.

Answer 2

Congrats of having a great education. I know it is more difficult to meet great guys for a black lady, particularly if you wish to marry a black man. Have found that the internet was a place to meet neat men, however. Have met a few jerks, one sociopath (scary) some who panicked at meeting a nice lady, some I wanted to see again, and some wanted to see me again, so I wouldn't opt out with internet dating. I made it a career to find my husband --- I had dates for Saturday breakfast, lunch, dinner, and after work. There are many sites -- itsjustlunch.com is one you might not have tried. I would expect your options would be better in a large area -- LA, Dallas-Ft.Worth, NYC for example. Don't expect to find too many guys in a place like Santa Fe, NM. as an example.

To answer your question, yes, did indeed feel this way, and did indeed panic, and did indeed find the nice guy on line and married him, and no, I don't believe the stupid line, "it will happen when you least expect it"---I was always working, and my colleagues were not options....... so, in your place, if marriage is your desire above all else, I'd move to a large city.....

My suggestion hon, is don't do "a little" on line dating, get serious about it, and use them all --- everything from e-harmony, Yahoo, Match.com. As a little aside, don't leave your ad up for months on end, and don't put one on every site all at the same time.......You may even wish to try some serious, reputable matchmakers. There is an outfit called Lehrer and Lehrer that has an office in LA as well as Scottsdale... (I'm not sure on the spelling....(You can find the site on Google.... They are expensive, but promise X number of appropriate dates for X number of dollars...... Google sites, and check into it.
As far as an ad, if you don't have a killer smile, you gotta get it.... beautiful teeth radiate health, and healthy is sexy. I'm sure you already take good care of yourself, and your clothes are undoubtedly outstanding. Be sure the photo you put up is a killer.

Answer 3

I used to feel this way also for I am a Black woman as well. When I was single, I saw all my friends, family members classmates getting married and I asked myself "what is my problem". I knew I wanted to get married someday but as I was passing age 25, 26, and so on I begin to get a little concern. I got married at age 29. But I would share this with you what a male friend told me before I married.

First, evaluate yourself. What is it about you that men do not come your way. Could it be your personality? The way you carry yourself? Are you unapproachable? Sometimes you have to ask someone these questions who will be honest with you and give you positive feedback. Sometimes, we women do not know how we are until someone views us.
Now, I must admit some men are intimidated of some of the things a woman have (indepedence,education, homes, good job etc.) but not always. So that could also be the case. By know means should you change for someone or to fit in.

You made the comment about women who are "uneducated poor, out of shape" etc. finding love or husband. Well, this day in time, looks may not mean a lot to men. It is what on the inside that makes a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. I have a college friend that dated this female for 1 year. She was gorgeous, nice figure and men would often look at her like an Halle Berry(lol) but my friend said she had the worst attitude to make you want to just smack her. My friend wasn't happy with her at all and after a year he eventually met the woman he is now married to (they have been married 7 years now). Though his wife did not look as good as the girlfriend he was dating, her shape wasn't as nice she made him a happy man. So looks, education, the shape of the body does not mean a thing when it comes to happiness (especially if they plan to marry the person). Noone wants to be in an unhappy marriage.
But I encourage you to get out more and just enjoy life. I believe that man is coming into your life. Just believe in yourself, your higher spiritual being and evaluate yourself. Good luck my sista, and trust when I say, he's coming just continue to be patient.

Answer 4

Except for the age (I'm 33) we could be twins. I get scared sometimes, but I keep praying and hoping that God has someone for me. Just don't get desperate and accept the first man that comes along like some women. A piece of a man is NOT better than having no man. Trust me I know what I'm talking about.

Answer 5

I understand exactly what you are saying. Finding love and receiving love in return can be difficult for women of color. What do you do for fun? I felt this way sometime ago, but as one poster said, I had to evaluate myself. Not that I was doing something wrong or look bad but because maybe there was something that I needed to change for a future husband. My girlfriend told me that I was unapproachable and I come off as "my shi! don't stink". Well, I guess I developed that attitude because of past relationships I had been in. I was always cheated on and I developed the angry woman motto "all men are dogs". We can't see ourselves so that is the reason I asked my friend for a honest opinion about me. I had to learn to change my ways. So, I started going out to places where a mature adult crowd would be (happy hour, jazz club no dance club) and I just started enjoying ME, doing things for ME. Finally, when I very least expect it a single male friend of mine introduced me to his single co-worker. And everything is o.k. now. I just learn to enjoy and not settle for a man just to say I have a man (someone with no job, baby mama drama, no goals or plans for the future) and it worked out. I also didn't act desperate because my brother always told me a man can smell a desperate and vulnerable woman. I just went on my merry way, taking care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and it all fell in place. Have faith, be patient, and pray and a good man will come along.

A former co-worker of mine got married when she was 40 years old. She thought she would never see a wedding day in this lifetime. She said the same things you said when she was single but now she say waiting on the man in her life " was well worth the long wait". She had her first child at age 41 and is doing well. You know what I learned, when we think we have it all figured out, God shows and gives us another way which is better than what we thought it would be. Be patient and have faith and even though I do not have a clue to who you are, I pray a GOOD man will come your way soon. Happy Holidays

Answer 6

I have felt that way about lots of things, one being having children. I started to have to decide that whether I had them or not I had to keep living and I wanted to be a loving and enjoyable person both to myself and to others. Meant that I did not want to be panicked or bitter or angry or judgemental or anything that took me out of feeling like I was at peace with my life. Some of us have been called out to accomplish a certain thing and God will not let you move forward into your own plan until you make it where you're supposed to be. Surrender all of your internal blocks and judgemental stances and you'll find yourself surrounded by a companionship that you would never have expected to be in your life. From one black woman to another I know how you feel. It isn't the marriage you're seeking more than it is the need to see your life intertwined with the flowing positive force of love and positive intentions no matter what comes your way. If you walk in it, Prince Charming will be there waiting for you.

Answer 7

abso-friggin-lutely. I just try to think positively, and KNOW that their are good things to come in my future. If you let yourself dream about it a little bit, it even can get kinda exciting. I know, that sounds crazy. But, hell, everyone has gotta have hope. Also, I have some terrific gf's that I can call on and make plans with. That doesnt help in SOME aspects, but certainly, life would be horrible without them. Take care, and be patient honey...it'll come.

Answer 8

Have you ever tried dating outside your race. Be open and be very open, try to date white guys. They are keepers. They will always respect and appreciate your independence. And don't say white guys are not attracted to black women, they actually are, but they are kind of afraid of african american women's behavior.

Answer 9

Girlfriend! It is hard out there for us but keep your head up. Love can be found in the most mysterious places! Be well!

Answer 10

well i am white.... and even though it may be statistically easier for me to score a man, i clearly clearly!! am very bad at it. so i envy your strength for not settleing even when the going got tough.

and you know, it probably will happen when you least expect it. sorry, but its the truth!