Am confused! Help with marriage?

Question

I have been feeling unhappy for quite some time now and am wondering whether or not I should just call it a day or soldier on.... We have 2 small kids, are both stressed and not particularly enjoying life or being together. I feel I am not understood or listened to, he feels I am unreasonable! We seem to be stuck and unhappy. Is it worth carrying on in the hope that it might get better or am I wasting my time? I am worried that it may never get better, that I will grow older (am 40 now) and regret "wasting" time in an unhappy marriage. On the other hand maybe things might get better.... We have tried counselling which worked for a period but now it has gone back to the same.

Any similar experiences/advice would be welcome.

Answer 1

Counseling doesn't suck...counseling can help you learn how to get through this tough time. Your children will suffer more than you know if you get divorced...they'll most likely put on a happy face for you, but it will damage them, believe me. What did you like about each other when you met and fell in love? I read recently that after the initial phase of your relationship when you think you are perfect for each other, every couple comes to a point where you probably really, really like about 30% and kind of dislike about 70% of the other person! When you focus on the 70% you don't like, your relationship is doomed. Successful couples focus on the 30% they like. Now, I don't know if this percentage is right, but it still seems like a sensible way to approach a relationship!

Answer 2

This is the very hardest time. It will get better as the kids grow less demanding. Counseling sucks. Talk completely honestly to each other about what's on your minds, the needs and feelings you have. Don't accuse, just say "I feel..." and see if you come to any new understandings. I have been where you are, and when the kids were tiny and we were stuck not doing anything we wanted to do, my wife and I were about to freak. Now the kids are teens, wifey and I can date now and then, things aren't so bad. If it isn't better for you in three or four years, then you can think again about calling it a day ... but remember two small kids' futures are depending on you too now. Very good luck.

Answer 3

My husband and I seem to go through these phases too, sadly. If you want to make it work, you will.

We have tried to see a counsellor, but every time we get near the apointment date, we seem to come to and sort things out.

I too, felt that I was being misunderstood and that when I made a suggestion, it was laughed at or ignored or taken completely the wrong way. He felt that I was always having a go at him, which I was not. We sat down and thrashed it out, shouted, cried all that stuff and it seems to have worked.

We have been through this before and we seem to be fine for a few months and then it all goes pear shaped again! I will have to wait and see what happens this time. But I would suggest getting rid of the kids for an evening, put your cards on the table and try and get it sorted, don't just give up, you will regret that. If it is worth saving, save it, if not, then talking about the whole thing will only help you both see what must be done.

Best of luck for you all in the future.

Answer 4

Sounds bad to me!
Well i know from my husband previous marriage, he had the same situation you have, kids and all that lot! He got married to her, they were married for a month and then split up. The family were the ones who didn't understand it and probably took it the hardest.
So if you are so unhappy try splitting up for a bit, you both deserve to be happy and to be in a loving relationship. You cant turn back time, so dont waste it in hoping time will make things better. You hanged in there, tried to save your marriage, but somethings just don't work no matter how hard you try to convince yourself!
My husband had a deforce battle, and caused himself and his family just more pain in hoping things can change. Even though both of them wanted a deforce and relised it was wrong to get married, it became a battle between the families!
If you both want to split up, give it a go!

Answer 5

Of course you can only ever really answer this question for yourself. All I know it this...there is nothing in the world more important than love and it is to love that owe the greatest responsibility. Whether you work it out or not remember this above all - you are the example that your children will live by. They can only hope to have happy and loving relationships in their future if they see those relationships around them. A boy will only grow into a tender and loving man if he sees examples of that. A girl will only grow up with self respect if she sees examples. The best thing you can ever do for your children is to be in a loving relationship - whether it is this one or another. A non-loving relationship between parents will always be more damaging than a divorce. At least a divorce show your children that you can make decisions about your own future.
Peace and love to you and yours.

Answer 6

If you are feeling unhappy, then you have to definately consider leaving! We have one life, and you should be enjoying it. The kids especially need a happy home,as they take aboard a lot of your emotions and although you may not see it now, it will have repercussion later. If the both of you are unhappy, then go for a trial seperation first. If things are going to work out, then you will at least have the chance to see that. If you both find that its better apart, then make the final decission. Your children's happiness must come first and staying together on a maybe, is cheating them and yourselves out of a happy life. I did it, and don't regret it for one second! My kids are happier and therefore I am less stressed and loving life again!

Answer 7

I don't think relationships are totally stagnant and never change ... but speaking from experience, I will be celebraitng my 10-year anniversary this year with a WONDERFUL, kind, supportive, thoughtful, hard-working gem of a spouse who I love with all my heart.

It started out good and it's still good 10 years later. Having children only made our marriage richer and did nothing to compromise the romance. I think, if you're not very happy at least 80% of the time in your marriage, you're not with the right person.

Answer 8

Stephanie....all I can tell you is that marriage is hard work, it isn't always going to be a bed of roses, especially when stressful jobs & children are involved. There are always ups & downs. Things will improve if you are both willing to work at it. Think of the things you both did when you first got married and were both "madly in love". Try to recreate some of those experiences and take time to be just by yourselves. Think also of your children and all the time you have invested in this relashionship. You can be happy again together.

Good luck, dear.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear this. what is it thats making you stressed? if its your work, money life? if talking to your husband is not helping and you have got help maybe it is time. but has what originally what attracted you to your husband gone? try to rekindle your romance get someone to look after the children and go away just the two of you and re-discover your romance. sometimes children take up so much time you forget time for yourselves try setting aside one night a week to you go to te cinema or for a meal something you both enjoy and spend quality time together. maybe consider moving jobs if this causes friction whats more important? i hope that things improve for you but i would not give up just yet if you still love your husband :D

Answer 10

before calling it a day, why dont you try talking to your hubby?

he may not even realise things have gone back to the way they were.

hard to believe but alot of people (mostly men) dont tend to put such emphasis on things like this but to alot of women, their whole relationship seems to be on the line. men however as i say can be oblivious to this and can be genuinely shocked to hear you are not happy.

i would talk to him to see what he says.

if you have a positive reaction- then things may be worth saving.

however if you get the who gives a toss attitude then maybe its time to walk away.

40 is not too old to start again.

good luck

then take it from there