how do i get my husband to listen and understand me?

Question

i feel like i am banging my head against a wall. we have the same discussions all the time. i don't know how to change my approach. it has come to the point where he just screams at me in defense and leaves or hangs up the phone or just finds a way to tune me out. he appears to not give a crap about what happens to us. we had a big conversation 2 mnths ago where i told him i thought we were headed for divorce. things were good for 2 weeks or so, and now we are right back to the same feelings that were there 2 months ago. sick of going round in circles

Answer 1

Well, unfortunately it is not likely to change. As my Mother-In-Law said to me a few years back, "Get over it and accept it, or get out of there". It seemed very strange that my Husband's Mother was giving me advice that might cause me to leave her son. A few years later and I get it now. I have had the same discussions with my Husband countless times, just as in your case, it works for a while and then things go back to the way they were. It really depends on what your situation is as to whether to throw in the towel or accept that it is always going to be that way. If it is something that you can/are willing to live with to stay with the man that you love. Or if this is a deal breaking point. With my Hubby the argument is always about helping around the house and with the kids. Same deal he does better then the cycle starts all over again. I enable it by being a Martyr, he enables it by enjoying the opportunity to be lazy. It is not likely to change, so I had to decide if I could live with it forever this way. This is not to say that changing is not possible, only that you should make your decision based on the worst possible scenario. Could you both find happiness in your marriage if this problem never gets fixed?
The circles are unfortunatley a part of marriage, we have cycles in every relationship Mother/daughter, husband/wife, etc. The painful cycles you attempt to heal, but the circles/cycles will be replaced by another. The circle of life.

Answer 2

Sounds like maybe some counselling may help? Have u asked ur husband if this may be something he would be willing to do in order to save ur marriage? Is this something that u would be willing to do in order to save ur marriage? As u wrote its the same thing over and over again, have both of u made some changes to fix that issue that keeps coming up? Make him aware of ur feelings, tell him "i feel" like this when u say that or do that. Tell him that "u feel" like he doesnt give a crap and it hurts u. Communication is a HUGE key to any relationship and if there is none, unfortunately our partners cannot read our minds. I can understand ur frustration of going around in circles, its time he understands that too and u both do what u can to fix that. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

Yep. Mine too. I'm almost out the door. In my heart we haven't been married in months. Now that he understands how much, he is trying to get me back, but I don't know if it's too late. You need to figure out what you want your next move to be, then plan it. Pros and Cons list. how many big things, how many little things are there? Take all of the medium things and separate those into menial or important. Now, your choices are: 1) Stay and take this 2) Leave and regain my dignity? Now talk to him about this. Let's see how well he listens.

Answer 4

Ugh. It really sucks when the guy behaves like that... it shows no respect for you or you opinions.

Having been the guy on the other end of that, i can tell you that you need to issue some sort of ultimatum.

You need to make absolutely clear that he needs to open up to you or face a divorce.

I suspect that you feel demeaned and degraded by his intentional disregard for your thoughts, feelings and opinions. I know, I've been the one doing the disregarding. And I lost a great partner over it... my personal arrogance cost me a great friend and lover and I still regret it.

It may be that he is still to young to properly respect you as a life partner. It may be that he was raised in such a fashion where he simply cannot acknowledge you and your feelings and thoughts.

I don't know as I'm not there - but you deserve respect and you need to do whatever is necessary to get that respect.

I know it sucks, but you really need to leave if he isn't going to show you the respect you deserve.

I sympathize - it took me, as a guy, to learn that lesson. some guys never do.

I'm sorry.

-dh

Answer 5

get some counseling either together or just for yourself. You need someone to give you some support and new skills/ideas for communicating. Tell your husband that you feel like this is a way you can both start talking to eachother in a way that won't end up in a fight. Even if he won't go - you should. If you start changing some of the ways you are communicating with him he might see that it's helping and be more motivated to go with you, but it will also mean that he will have to start communicating with you differently as well. good luck

Answer 6

Do not listen to the readers the post for you to get his attention by filing for divorce. That is not a solution. Look for some books in the library on communication and marriage or couples. Look on web for ideas to try, analyze what you are "discussing" or if your words are hollow for a reason. look at his views and your view (perspective). Like someone said above, males listen differently than women. He does give a 'crap'...in his own way.
Try to work and do not utter the D word. If you BOTH do not want to work at it, do separate and see.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear this but honestly, this is what happens in most marriages. The husband tunes out the wife, and she gets frustrated. She tries to get her point across, but its lost. Maybe try to use a different approach, I don't know what all you've tried but try to talk to him in a manner that his defenses don't go up. Try to have a relaxed atmosphere, try to not sweat the small stuff and go after the big stuff. I hope you can make it all work out.

Answer 8

I was married and divorced myself. my wife always said I never listened, Men dont make as much eye contact when talking to another person as woman do, so woman assume we are not listening. although sometimes we really arent since its the same thing over... But if you really want to save your marriage you need to go to see a counselor. An outside perspective will help you both see your mistakes and help you to communicate effectively. (I shoulda went before I got divorced) If you both think your marriage is worth saving this will work. It wont be easy but dont give up!

Answer 9

First I would pray,I dont know what the problems are and I dont think he wants to listen because It could be something he cant change,for whatever reason.

Some problems are so hard to change and the man needs to here It from somebody else and not you.

For Instance I have a relative that looks at naked pictures of woman,I wont get Into detail and I feel he treats the woman he Is going to marry badly,so does his mom and I asked him how would you like It If she had men call her If she went to parties without you that men asked her to go to and not ask you and she looked at naked pictures of men that sent them to her online.

He said he wouldnt and h3e needed help,but when she came In the door he treated her terrible and my feelings are that she should not marry him .

I hope this helps and some woman get married hopeing the man will change after they get married but It gets worse.

Answer 10

Remember there's a part you can contribute to solve this problem too. Be a part of the solution, not the PROBLEM.
You both can discuss calmly and forget about this issue for some time. and try to understand your husband too, why he acts like it, is there some thing i can do to make him feel better and discuss the matter peacefully, etc....
(if you want to be understood by others, try to understand others)