Is it possible to love your spouse and cheat?

Question

My husband of 11 yrs went to Mississippi after Katrina to work with FEMA. I always thought we had a great relationship. I found out about 6 months after he was home (although, I suspected and questioned him, and he denied, denied, denied...he says to 'protect me') that he had a 7 month affair with a tramp he worked with. He says they had sex 5-6 times and he has no answer as to why he did it. He says he was being stupid and selfish and wishes he could take it back. He says it has made him realize how much in love with me he is, and he wants me and wants our marriage to work. How do you do that even though your spouse is across the country? How can you say that you love them and then screw someone else? I want him to hurt like I hurt!! He says he is consumed with guilt, can that be true? SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY! I know I should probably leave, but I want this to work. I still love him. Could he be telling the truth or is he just sorry he got caught?Can he seriouly be n lovew/me

I might add we have already renewed our vows and going to counseling. I just have 'bad days' where i just dont know what to think, feel, or believe

She still wants him I might add, we have had to change PO Boxes, phone numbers, and email addresses. She does want him, he refuses to speak to her, she has begged him to come back, so NO i am not a last resort, I know he F'ed up, but he came home to come home, not because she didnt want him.

Answer 1

From personal experience, Yes it is possible. I deeply loved my wife when I cheated on her. At the time we were having intimacy issues and instead of talking to her about my feelings ( I was brought up that feelings are a sign of weakness) I thought it best to just see this woman on the side. I thought since I was not bothering my wife with my needs she would be happy as long as she didn't find out. I know that was stupid and selfish thinking NOW! But I guess that is how I justified my actions, I have since learned that feelings are not a sign of weakness, cheating is a sure fire way of hurting your spouse when they find out (they always do), and No I am not sorry because I got caught, I am sorry because I never knew the hurt I would put my wife through. She did forgive me for my MISTAKE, because that is what it was. It has been over 9 years since my affair and I have never cheated on her again, so for all those saying that once a cheater always a cheater, I am proof that it is not true. Only you can tell if your husband is being sincere, but because my wife took a chance on me our marriage was saved. Hope yours can be saved also, Good Luck!

Answer 2

11 years is a long time and I always think if both parties say they want to try again then its worth a shot. Thing is, once a cheater always a cheater, unless you start to work on the reasons he strayed in the first place. Renewing your vows is a great place to start but what happened? Most men can resist temptation and not cross the line. Why did he? Only a counsellor can help you get to the bottom of this. Also, what about trusting him again. You may think you can, but then you may start doing things that will tell him you can't. Checking his cell phone, rifling through pockets, accusing him of not being where he said he was, etc. He'll start thinking, well if she won't trust me then I might as well **** it up again. ALSO, a one night stand is one thing....a 7 MONTH AFFAIR is something else. He could have developed feelings for this other woman. Do you know it's really over?

First thing to do is determine if he seriously wants to continue with you or are you just convenient? Second, make sure you both start counselling immediately. Thirdly, look at your relationship and try to figure out what and where it went wrong. Probably long before the affair started. You need to be partners, friends, confidants, lovers. Do you resemble that? Or are you just going through the motions of husband and wife.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Yes it is possible. Men can love women and still have sex with other women. To a man there is a huge difference between love and sex. If a man is getting no sex he will tell himself anything to make the act of getting sex somewhere else seem OK at the time. Now Guilt will eat at him for ever he will feel guilty even longer then you will hurt. Weather it works out for the 2 of you if you move on odds are you will just get involved with another man that will someday cheat on you and you will relive the whole ordeal again.. or you can stay with the guy that you know has already cheated on you..... if you make it hard on him but hang on and keep him he will never ever cheat again..... but if you act like its no big deal that he cheated and take him back then he will think that was so easy and nothing will stop him from cheating again.. its a thin line and a tough move on your part so take your time drive the guilt into him hard and often remember its easy to forgive but its impossible to forget.... the same is true for him the more you let him know he screwed up the less likely he is to screw up again..... best of luck to you.......

Answer 4

i agree with part of what cabochick said. There is a difference between a seven month affair and a one night stand. I hate to say it, but he had to have some kind of feelings for her other than sexual attraction to risk what he has with you for seven months. However, I also think he can still love you if he is really trying. But you are the only one who knows whether you will ever be able to trust him again. If I were in your situation, I don't think my relationship would ever be the same again, because no amount of counseling in the world could make me trust him again after a seven month affair, and months of lying about it. I would never let my husband forget it, and I am sure that would ruin our relationship. But everyone is different... I can say that I also agree with what others have said about going to counseling together. You need to find out what was wrong with your relationship and fix that and not worry about what he saw in her. You said you suspected it all along, so your not dumb, obviously, so if you stay with him, always keep your guard up and look for the signs. Good luck.

Answer 5

I think that it is possible for a man to still love his wife and cheat. It has taken me a LOT of years to realize this, but men don't think of sex the same way that women do. When he had sex with this other woman it was probably emotionless and didn't mean a thing. I don't understand men and I never will, but I have come to grips with the fact that sometimes this can happen and they still love us. Sometime men are just stupid and selfish. I think that if you still love him you should definitely try to work it out. You will definitely need to go get some counseling, because you are going to have some major trust issues with him, and sometimes the thoughts of what he did to you are going to overwhelm your mind, and make you crazy. So, please go talk to someone about this by yourself, and you two go get some counseling together, and I think that it could work out. After all, you love him and he loves you, and you have made it 11 years.

Good luck, and I am sorry you are going through this!

Answer 6

I guess the way you feel must be normal, I feel the same. Those are things that only you and him can answer. I understand about wanting to hurt him, feeling the need to, but not actually wanting to, and hating the feeling. I've been told so many times that it's a time thing, and things will get better later on if you both work on it together. I hope that's true. I guess it depends on the relationship. I hope yours is strong enough to get through this, just like i hope mine is(even though in our case it wasn't a physical affair.) Good luck. I hope he will give you what you need to heal now and stop the crap he did that broke your trust.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear about this. It's a shame that you've got to go through all this. So now the ball is in your court. Do you forgive him? Forgiving a person is admirable, but you dont' have to forget. So I would have another heart to heart with him, and both of you be honest with each other. I believe he can be seriously in love with you. A guy doesn't have to love a girl to go to bed with her....so keep that in mind. It seems that his brain may have changed places for a while. Anyway, if you're going to stay with him, then you need to let it go and not let it eat you up on the inside. If not, then the best thing is to leave. Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you are doing what you believe is right. Stick to your guns and give the counseling time to work. I know for a fact that younger men, by nature can carry on... and resume a relationship, without guilt. I cannot explain it. The only thing I would believe out of what he said, was the claim of stupidity.
In fact, more than likely, he is sorry. Sorry he was stupid enough to get caught. I'll clue you in on a guy secret, a man's circle of friends rely heavily upon bragging, and it is easy for a guy to get caught up in the fallacy, and believe the others bull-@#&% is true... It are these poor unfortunates that follow through with the debauchery, and end up single.
My advice is to trade in the defective merchandise for a more reliable model.

Answer 9

I have been married now for 5 years and about a year ago my husband and I separated for a year because he cheated on me. We filed for divorce and everything but we changed our minds and decided to make it work. I know exactly how you feel, it hurts and you wonder how someone you love so much could hurt you so badly. I know that through it all my husband never stopped loving me but when other women out there give our men the slightest bit of attention they fall for it and mistakes are made. I think that in order for you to make things work you have to be willing to move on and try to forget. As hard as that sounds trust me when I say, time heals all wounds. Good luck.

Answer 10

I completely understand. My husband cheated on me twice before we got married. I had days where I thought I would die from the pain, my heart phyically hurt. I also went mentally crazy from wanting the revenge, but it came down to it I couldn't do it. I loved him and still do. To answer your question: yes, I believe your man could really be sorry and consumed with guilt. It took me a long time to deal with it because I considered myself a strong women. And deciding to stay with him made me feel weak. I'm glad to say that now that those feelings don't comsume me anymore, but I won't lie, it took everything in me to move past it and I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. Good luck.