Confused emotions, what should I do?

Question

I'm a happily married guy with a young family and nothing i'd seek to change. However, i'm really confused by the feelings i've got for a work colleague who i've known for about 4 years as a friend and recently who I have really, truly fallen for. It's not just lust before you ask, i've known her too long for it to be pure physical attraction, it's that I really care about her in the same ways I felt about my wife when I met her. I'm just crushed by it, I dont know what to do, I can't avoid her (too small a workplace) and yet I cant keep my mind off her. I obviously cant tell her, what should I do...is it just a case that time will lessen the feelings? Is it possible to fall in love twice even when youre not looking for it?

Answer 1

yes its easy to fall in love twice when ur not looking for it. u need to tell ur wife about these feelings be truthful if u dont it will backfire later and cause more reason for suspicion. take ur wife ot for dinner and rekindle what u have.

Answer 2

Temptation is an insidious beast. Being married doesn't mean you stop finding anyone else in the world attractive. There are always going to be people you are drawn to, and if your marriage is at a low ebb, temptation is harder to fight. Know this: fidelity is a choice you make every day, and when you keep making the right choice, your marriage stays strong and you obey your vows.

Think about what you would sacrifice for a relationship with your friend. Living with a wife and children day in and day out means that perhaps the allure of the shiny new feelings you had for your wife when you met has palled over time. But the lifelong love, affection, comfort, respect, and joy that you get from your wife and kids could be shattered in one blast if you succumb to temptation. It's just not worth it.

Perhaps you should consider seeing a counselor to work out why you are obsessed with this other woman -- it may just be that you've built it up in your head to a great passion just because it represents a "break" from the mundane daily aspects of being married and having children. Once the novelty of the new girl wore off, as it inevitably would, the reality would be much the same as the happy marriage you're now in.

Good luck. Be strong.

Answer 3

It's not uncommon for married people to seek the affections of others when we're going through turmoil. You said that you have a young family and that alone is a new stress and burden. Your wife may be less than excited about having sex because of her new role as mother and this leaves you not so much as mad but feeling rejected. You may be feeling less desireable by your wife and are subconsciencely looking for appreciation.
I would not suggest telling your wife about your desires for another woman. That will only bring up any insecurities she may be feeling about herself and about your relationship. Instead, deal with the heart of the issue. Are there things the two of you have not communicated to each other? Is money an issue? How is your wife feeling about herself? When women become insecure about their bodies, especially after having babies, they need a lot of reassuring that they are beautiful and sexy and desired. It may take a lot on your part but I think you really want to stay in love with your wife and she's worth it.
Another thing to remember is that if you were to play on your newfound feelings for this co-worker and leave your wife for her, you, ultimately, have made things ten times worse. When it all comes down to it, you'd be leaving one set of troubles for another similar set plus the mess in between.
So, deal with the problems at home and maybe take some time off from work to separate yourself from temptation while you work on your homelife. If you still find yourself feeling things for this other woman then tell her. She may not feel the same toward you and may be able to help put an end to your interest in her. Moving to a new job should be a last resort not divorce.
Love your wife and family and make them your priority.
Good luck.

Answer 4

You need to discuss it with your wife. Maybe something is lacking in your marriage that you may not be aware of. I think if you mention it to your wife and just tell her exactly how you feel, you two can sort it out. Just let her know you have not done anything with this woman, only have feelings for her. I know it will break her heart, but it will break her heart even more if you let your feelings continue on, then letting it escalate into something you shouldn't be doing. Or maybe you should seek some counseling. Just let your wife know you are seeking counseling because you have some emotions you need help with, so you wouldn't really be lying to her. Then maybe that will help you determine if you should let your wife know. I don't think you should let your colleague know just yet because that would really make an uncomfortable work environment for the both of you and especially her. Work out your feelings first, whether it be with a counsler or your wife.

Answer 5

I wouldn't get a new job because then you would just be running from your problems. The poster who said fidelity is a choice you make everyday is right. I don't believe there is only one person out there for everyone but if you choose to marry one person that you made your vows to stay faithful to that person but it won't stop you finding other people attractive. It's what you do with those feelings that counts. I think you should confide in your wife (not tell the other women in question) and deal with whatever issues are going on. You can't hide from that fact that you may fancy someone else but you might be able to find out if your current relationship needs some fixing.

Answer 6

Think hard about it. I'm not saying you're definitely not in love with this woman but maybe you're just wistful for the time you and your wife first got together (i'm assuming romance is hard to keep up once there's little sprogs involved), and how carefree you were. If in time you still feel the same then i guess that's a decision you'll have to make, but don't do anything rash before you've worked out whether it's your co-worker that you desire or the excitement of being in love. If it's the feeling of being in love then try and recapture it and rekindle the romance with your wife. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 7

Do the right thing. You know right from wrong don't you? Have respect for your wife and family. Why would you want to lose your family? That's what will eventually happen if you don't get a grip on yourself. Everyone has temptations everyday. If you love your wife and family then start thinking of them instead of the co worker. When you talk to this girl make sure you mention your wife and family alot. Once she understands your a family man and your not open to any other relationship she'll distance herself from you. Family and Wife come first. Do you think the grass is greener on the other side? It isn't.

Answer 8

Yes its possible to love two people at the same time. I'm always suprised that people can't see it. After all you can love all your children and both your parents, what makes people so sure you can't love more than one person at a time.

The trouble is if you do talk to her and tell her how you feel and something comes of it, the person you love and MADE A PROMISE too, would get hurt and if you love them you really wouldn't want to do that.

So you really have to decide to continue with your wife and love her the way she deserves. Society isn't ready for you to have both yet.

Answer 9

This is a difficult situation. I would think things over on who you really want to be with. I hope in the end it will be your wife. Just think of all the things you have been through together and hopefully you will find you have a stronger bond with your wife. Just remember do not cheat it is better to be honest if you chose the other end the marriage before making a move

Answer 10

if your that happy with your wife,but have feelings for another woman its not good,you have some tough decisions to make do you wanna stay with your wife and kids or be with this other woman ,i know what i would choose if that was me,you have kids too,do you wanna see them being ript apart..which is what will happen if you start a relationship with this woman at work.theres temptation there so may be looking for a job else where might help,cause i have feeling if you stay there the temptation will get the better of you.no matter what people will tell u here,only you can decide,so i wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right decision.

Answer 11

are you really happily married? cause if you were you wouldn't be feeling this way for a work colleague. you have your wife why jeopardize your marriage for a colleague unless you feel your marriage if not fulfilling enough. I'd say think about it before you start cheating, if you do decide you want this colleague of yours i suggest you talk with your wife first and let her know how your feeling about her, instead of going behind her back and then having her try to figure out what's going on with your marriage. I notice you put "FELT" about your wife....so your saying you don't have those feelings for your wife anymore? I'd say think really hard about what you decide to do, everything comes with a consequence.